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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice - family hatred!

22 replies

mamawitch · 14/09/2017 22:46

I really just need some advice and to get this off my chest... sorry it might be long!

History: hubby and I married 11 years have 4 sons. We split up in 2015, marriage had always been a bit rocky! Hubby went off the rails and ended up involved with crime, anyway he ended up getting a 4 year sentence and still has 7 months to go, but is in an open prison and has totally changed, got educated, is working, and became an amazing man, who I adore and adores me!
So we are back together but living apart. Kids happy... all good... except...

My parents and brother can't forgive him and that's fine. But today was our ds 13th birthday, my sister in law and mother in law came to see him, and just before the were leaving my mother turned up. Out of politeness my mother in law said hello, and my mother stood there like she was the Queen of Sheba and gave her filthy disgusted look and refused to reply.
I was mortified so much so I muttered for her not to be rude!
My mother is a manager of a shop which they had visited one day when out with my youngest son, my mother wasnt there but told me to tell them they will be thrown out if they come in again!
Now don't get me wrong I know my mum just doesn't want to see me hurt, but I am so happy and in love with my husband, life is just great and we both are glad he went to prison as it saved him and us. The fact is apart from me having a bit of text argument with my mil which we have put behind us, there is no reason for my mum to be so rude to them. It was so embarrassing and I felt ashamed of her. My husbands family have been nothing but supportive, they have my youngest in the holidays so I can work, and they will do anything to help, unlike my mother who has her own life now with a new man!
I just don't know what to do, but this can't go on, I do not want my children having to live stuck in the middle of grandparents. How can I address this?

OP posts:

LibertyHill · 14/09/2017 23:18

I think I would be telling DM that if she can't be polite and civil to other guests at your house, then she should stay at home.

Why is MIL getting treated like this when it's her son that your DM is angry at?

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2017 23:23

Hmm, I'm not entirely convinced that your life is great and that your H has become an amazing man. See how it goes once he's out, yeah? Be careful.

With regard to how to handle your families. Your post seems to be all in favour of your in laws at the expense of your mum but you must understand why she is angry with them all. Don't side with them against her.

Her shop, her decision, but she needs to tell them herself, not expect you to convey the message.

I'd keep them completely separate. So no "turning up". Make proper arrangements. Your children aren't stuck in the middle. They can have a relationship with both sides, no problem.

But seriously, be careful. Don't fall out with your mum and side with your H's family against her. You'll need her if he doesn't turn out to be the reformed character you are hoping.

GreenTulips · 14/09/2017 23:29

Your mother can do as she pleases and is no reflection on you!

Her choice

Stay out you don't have to be the middle ground

Original poster

mamawitch · 15/09/2017 07:36

My life with my husband really is great! He has come leaps and bounds to address his issues that is why I feel like this. My mum is my mum at the end of the day, but she has been like this all my life, she did it with my previous relationship, then tried to bribe me with £10k not to get married.
My in laws are not perfect but they are very supportive toward me and the kids.

OP posts:

user1487689176 · 15/09/2017 11:49

fucking hell, what on earth did he do to get 4 years?! Must've been pretty serious, maybe your mum just cant bring herself to get over whatever it was, or is worried for yours and kids' safety?

Hissy · 15/09/2017 13:24

Ditch that awful mother of yours!

Quartz2208 · 15/09/2017 13:32

i read some of your past threads and I can see why they are struggling be careful

wannabestressfree · 15/09/2017 13:40

He is inside. It's not that great. Wait until he comes out and lives independently. You are doing yourself and your children a disservice if you have him straight back!

CamelliaSinensis35 · 15/09/2017 15:07

From reading your previous threads: he is a long term heroin addict who has emotionally and financially abused you, he stopped your children seeing their own father due to his own jealousy, accused you of sleeping with your ex, lied to you, stole your stuff, checked your phone and social media, prevented you from sleeping by having a go at you until the early hours, and had repeated heroin relapses despite you supporting him through treatment and unbelievably leaving your eldest child with your parents so that you could move your husband to a rural area.

The problem here is not your family.

Offred · 15/09/2017 18:51

I think you need to give your head a wobble TBH.

This man is ruining your life and you two together are ruining your children's lives.

Of course he is on best behaviour at the moment, he is in prison!

He doesn't actually have to cope with normal life.

I don't think your mum's behaviour is ok but it's understandable she doesn't want to just go along with your delusion that you are a happy family after everything that has happened.

Offred · 15/09/2017 18:53

(And of course his family are being supportive, they don't want him being their problem. You know this already because his mum dumped him on you after 17 days together because he had wrecked her life and marriage)

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/09/2017 19:09

A lot of women get on well with their husbands when they are in prison. The guys need to toe the line a bit otherwise the women won't visit, bring things in for them and generally relieve the boredom.

What you haven't mentioned here is that your husband goes back on the drugs when he's with his own family. No wonder your parents aren't keen on them. Also your mum has been looking after your son for a couple of years. She's seen your husband off his head and not working - who the hell wants that for their daughter?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/09/2017 19:35

I agree with Offred. You are being played. You are caught up in a lot of emotional subjective feelings generated by a fake facade of the very limited performance your husband is putting on display for you. He is probably being coached by the other inmates on what to say, how to say it to manipulate you. Take a step back and consider that your mum may in fact be right.

He is a drug addict. If he isnt using in prison, how long do you think it will take him to start up again? How can you ever trust him again...and this trust must go way beyond any lip service he bathes you in? For the sake of your dc (if not for your own sake), move on, like yesterday.

pictish · 15/09/2017 19:42

I also think that a little self preservation is called for here. Wait and see, don't put all your eggs in one basket with this guy just yet.
Agree that your mum is rude though...it's not your mil's doing. Really childish behaviour.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 15/09/2017 20:30

Put your children first, they need you to keep them safe, it's not fair to subject them to a life of uncertainty, he won't change, addicts can't see beyond their next fix and he'll bleed you until you and your kids have nothing.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2017 23:29

So we are back together but living apart.

Of course you are. He's in prison!

How can you say it's all wonderful?

And I'd be of the same mind as your mum.

wannabestressfree · 15/09/2017 23:41

She isn't going to listen until it all goes massively titis up and she is back do square one
I really do hope though that after this large gap of being in prison (and he will be institutionalised he lives elsewhere for at least a year so your children get become more accustomed to blbeing Around. I bet I know the answer that that.....

wannabestressfree · 15/09/2017 23:41

TO that

wannabestressfree · 15/09/2017 23:42

Ah @Nanny0gg great minds think alike

Viviennemary · 15/09/2017 23:50

If I was your DM I'm afraid I'd have some misgivings too about all this so happy with reformed ex and everything is now wonderful. But it's your life and you're entitled to live it the way you want to and make your own choices.

I don't think you can force other people to get on with each other or even to like each other. I haven't read any of your past threads so only have commented on your first post here. You'll have to wait and see how things go but don't be unrealistic and expect people to forget the past even if you want them to.

Offred · 16/09/2017 00:01

I agree with Vivienne to a degree but I don't think it is as simple as 'it's your life to live' because your have DC. You have 4 DC at that. I have 4 DC too and to two dads. I know that it is hard work but I can guarantee you that actually it is much harder work to have 4 DC and a partner that you have to micromanage just so they are able to barely function.

The reason things are good now is not because he is doing so well. It is because he is in prison and the prison are micromanaging all the aspects of his life he finds difficult. The prison has removed that burden from you.

SandyY2K · 16/09/2017 00:36

OP you left out how abusive he's been. Prison can be lonely and he needs somewhere safe to come once he's out.

And this...

who has emotionally and financially abused you, he stopped your children seeing their own father due to his own jealousy, accused you of sleeping with your ex, lied to you, stole your stuff, checked your phone and social media, prevented you from sleeping by having a go at you until the early hours

I wouldn't want my DD with a man like him either. I'd be terribly disappointed.

It's no surprise his family are supportive .... He's their son.

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