Stay or go???

[RockLobster93]

How do you know what the right thing to do is?
I feel so lost, I do love him but I can’t handle constantly being berated for every tiny mistake constantly. We argue over stupid little things, and it escalates ridiculously fast.
Don’t get me wrong- we do still have good times, but they are short lived and there’s always this big stress cloud hanging over us.
The only logical thing I can think to do is end it, at least for now. Neither of us are happy with our day to day lives.
I’m struggling with depression atm, it’s no excuse but every day seems to be a challenge. Would be nice if I had someone to talk to- but when I first started discussing this with OH a while ago, he literally laughed in my face when I tried to explain how generally sad I feel day in day out. Obviously with the break up potentially happening soon I won’t even have anyone to just be “there”.
I honestly thought we’d spend the rest of our life together.
Finding myself thinking maybe we’ll just break up for a while and if we miss each other enough and enough time passes…maybe we’ll get back together?
Is this foolish thinking?

How do you know when it’s time to just call it a day?

When he laughed in your face about your sadness. That tells you what you need to know.

category12- I know, but to base our entire relationship on that one reaction would be silly.
I still love him, even though I think I know we're over

Are you really confusing love here with codependency?.

This is not a loving relationship at all; no-one should ever be berated for every single mistake. You do not act that way towards him when he makes a mistake do you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up and why is your relationship bar seemingly so very low here?.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.
You may well find that your depressed state may improve once you and he are apart. He may well be a large part of why you are depressed to begin with; his behaviour towards you put you in that dark place. Ex's are ex's as well for good reason; remember that as well.

I remember you from previous writings.

I would urge you also now to enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme particularly if you have simply gone from one abusive relationship into yet another. Your boundaries anyway are very off kilter here and need readjustment.

Trite as it may seem love your own self for a change.

Previous relationships are a bit of a shitstorm. First official boyfriend was a pscyo, ended up spending a lot of time in hospital/ talking to police because of his actions. Also ruined the last year of school/ first year and a bit of college- after breaking up he stalked me for a few years after. Always from a distance though so not massively concerning. But put that behind me.
Relationship after that was probably the most normal one I've ever had- it was a happy relationship which ended due to long distance- he went to uni and after a year of hardly ever seeing each other we called it quits.
After that was LO's dad, messy break up, he was a bit violent but stupidly I never once phoned the police on him so never had any evidence other than pics I took of the aftermaths/ injuries.
Then here.. He's been great, he is amazing with LO and has taken on a lot in the past 2 years..but we argue constantly, its rare for a day to go by without one.

Parents are divorced, Mum cheated on Dad but didn't tell him till after she'd had her new man (now husband) living on a camp bed in our dining room for a few weeks after his own wife had found out and kicked him out.
So not a great track record...
The way I feel atm I'm grateful to anyone for just putting up with my company, I've had a few serious lows recently and really really dark thoughts..
As much as I can tell myself I'm looking forward to "me time" I know its not as basic as that. I know I'll probably have darker thoughts but nobody to turn to or stop me from a speedy decline back to SH days.

Is it even abuse though? Its just words

Putting you down constantly is emotional abuse and verbal attacks are abusive too.

You might actually feel a lot better mental health wise without him around to treat you this way. Who wouldn't be depressed being treated like that?

I would say he doesn't have a clue what you are going through and will never understand until he experiences it himself.

I'd suggest going to couples therapy. Have an independent mediator there and really tell him how your feel.

If he doesn't want to go - then I guess that says it all.

No, no and no again to couples therapy or counselling. It is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you in the same room.

And yes what he is doing to you is abusive; its about power and control. He does not have to hit you to hurt you; words can cut deep and emotional abuse can take a long time to recover from.

Counselling for you alone RockLobster is of vital importance and I hope you can find a therapist to work with. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Your parents did not set you the best example of how a relationship should be and there is a lot of damaging stuff here that now needs to be unlearnt.

I would also urge you to enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid OP and do it in person if possible. It is for people who have been in abusive relationships. You are very vulnerable currently and you need time and space to heal. The above will help you with that process and that will only start properly once you are away completely from this person you are now with.

@atttila that is fair point.

If he isn't seeking help for his own demons then there is no point.

Sorry ladies - my head isn't screwed on with things out home.

AttilaTheMeerkat & GeriT-
I've asked him to seek help for his anger issues- his response is to question why when I am the root of all his stress that makes him act like that

Geri

That's okay; hope things get better at home for you.

RockLobster

You do realise of course that he has given you the common or garden response that abusive men come out with; its your fault, you made me do it. Its on page 1 of their abusers handbook.

Its NOT your fault he is like this, you did not make him that way. Such men really do hate women, all of them starting with their own mother. Please believe me when I write that.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviours. His feelings of inadequacy and sense of entitlement not specific behaviours trigger his anger.

This individual can likely control himself around outsiders and appears to be plausible to them. If he can do that then he does not have an anger management problem. AM classes do NOT work on people like this individual you describe.

Anger management is not a cure for domestic violence or abuses of any kind.

An abusive person does not rationalize the way “normal” people do – their rules are different. And unlike “normal” people, an abuser’s anger does not cause them problems; an abuser’s anger is one of their tools. Evidence shows that abusive men who complete anger management programs do not stop abusing. They merely choose another tool to reach the same end.

You have a child, a daughter too. She cannot afford to grow up with a similar set of damaging lessons that were taught to you by your parents. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is and its of no surprise to me at all that your relationship history is so chequered. You know no different and your boundaries are still way off kilter.

You can get away from this individual and you can unlearn all the crap that you learnt about relationships along the way. There's also a little girl here who is counting on your own good judgment. Do not make the same old mistakes your parents made towards you. You have a choice re this man, she does not.

Thank you so much for all your advice, it makes a lot of sense.
I guess I already knew the answer before posting here, just needed some clarification. It'll be difficult to do but in the end it's the best thing for my LO and I'd do anything for her. I hate to see her upset.
Though it is going to have to wait a week- working two jobs at the moment- only short term but trying to build up some money so I'm more prepared to let him walk out. Or rather, ask him to leave.
Thank you all so much for your help here