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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do......

20 replies

Beaudog · 14/09/2017 14:23

I had a row with my OH 2 weeks ago, based on his drug taking and unreasonable behavior towards me. Within 24 hrs he'd decided to finish renovating our house, sell it and move on - all without discussion. I have tried to talk to him but all he wants to discuss is 'house stuff' and our finances. On top of this, I have just started a new job, which I absolutely hate, I'm starting a part time Uni course next week and my DD goes to Uni next weekend. At 45 I feel like a massive failure and everything is just getting on top of me.He's said that he will work on the house, I will continue to go to work to support him ( as he's not earning - he's self employed) and pay all of the bills. I feel like I'm currently bringing in £3k a month to sleep in my stepdaughters boxroom. I feel that I just exist here and have no say n what's happening on my life. Any advice ?

OP posts:
splendidisolation · 14/09/2017 14:30

Well if you're having to support a man who takes drugs and doesnt listen to you, it may as well be a hot fresh-faced 20yo student from your uni course Halo

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2017 14:33

Where does he get money for drugs if he isn't working

averageguy1 · 14/09/2017 14:33

Why are you letting him tell you what to do and why must you support him , whose house is it ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2017 15:12

Let him finish the renovations, sell it, split it 50/50 between you and both move on! And if he's not self-employed if he's not earning anything - that's called being unemployed. Why on earth should you support him? Take back some control and make some decisions. It may help you feel better.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2017 15:14

He sounds like a really shit pet to keep

Get rid of him, get a dog

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/09/2017 15:22

OK well, if he wants to end the relationship, he has no right to any money. The house should be sold as it is.

Think of this as a great opportunity to get away from a drug addicted man who treats you badly.

Keep your £3k per month. Give him nothing. Put the house on sale now. Get somewhere for you and your daughter. Oh and look for a different job, too.

Come on OP, you can do this!

Original poster
Beaudog · 14/09/2017 15:28

Update - he's adamant that although he admitted taking drugs, he hasn't done so for a while. He thinks I have trust issues ( I don't) and that his erratic behavior is down to being stressed after taking on the massive project of the house ( his choice). It's our house - on one hand I can see that if he's working on the house he is not able to take on jobs, so I will need to support him, on the other hand if I am doing that he has no right to treat me like dirt. He won't discuss our relationship at all, apart from the fact to say that he hasn't fallen out of love with me. I'm so confused :( I can't even speak to my mum as my ad is poorly with cancer ( getting in ok) but she doesn't nee the stress

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaudog · 14/09/2017 15:30

Thanks for making me smile, splendid!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/09/2017 15:31

How long have you been together?
Is the house in joint names?
Could you sell without the work being done?
Might be an idea to get a couple of estate agents round to give you a quote and then take it from there.
Why are YOU in the box room?
He can sleep in there.

Original poster
Beaudog · 14/09/2017 15:35

we've been together 5 years.The house is in joint names and we could sell but would get more if its finished ( think large double extension, built but not finished). I stupidly offered to move bedrooms as he suffers with his back and our bed is more comfortable than the single - I regret that now as I'm averaging 3hrs sleep a night. He's decided that one DD goes to Uni, I can move into her room .... he spends too much time on his own thinking up scenarios in his head , then tells me what he thinks!!!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 14/09/2017 16:47

I'd get a workman in to finish it, he sounds beyond useless and happy to sponge off you and let you sleep in a boxroom whilst paying all the bills.

Get rid.

Gemini69 · 14/09/2017 17:17

this man is taking the utter piss....

stop letting him tell you what's going to happen OP... what do YOU want out of this Flowers

Original poster
Beaudog · 16/09/2017 11:38

Yep, he really is taking the piss and I am a mug for putting up with it! He's away for a few days next week and said ' you can sleep in our bed while i'm away' - how i didn't put my fist in his face I don't know! I know its just gonna get worse when my daughter goes away, he's already started making his own food, drinks etc. whereas I always offer if i'm doing anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaudog · 16/09/2017 11:40

I don't know what I want - ideally, I'd like to sell the house and move into a different house with him, but going on his behavior that's now made me think differently. I just want a quite life and no nastiness.

OP posts:
Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 16/09/2017 11:47

Could you afford to move out to a rental property?

Then you wouldn't have to put up with him, and get a decent night's sleep. I'd then visit a lawyer and negotiate him finishing and selling the property in return for a sum from you (you could get a loan, as you'll get it back when the house is sold) and he's then obligated to do the repairs and sell the property. He won't have any choice but to agree as he relies on you for income, and you can ensure he finishes the renovations and you split the house sale money and go your separate ways.

It sounds awful and I wouldn't live with him if I could possibly help it.

HeavenlyEyes · 16/09/2017 12:19

the only valid part you need to focus on is 'drug taking and unreasonable behavior' - which of course means you need to get rid. Anything else you write or he says is now no longer relevant. Many of us are 40 something women who work, study and are single. It is not a death sentence.

Original poster
Beaudog · 16/09/2017 12:21

Coffeethrowtrampbitch I know you're right. I couldn't afford to pay the bills on this house AND rent elsewhere, I looked into it yesterday. The area we live in is where he has lived all his life so all our friends here are actually his. I cannot speak to any of them about my situation as I feel that they would take his 'side' ... it's so draining. I don't really want to live in this area, but think I will end up staying here as I can't afford any other area that will be close to work, DD and my own friends. I don't want to live like this with him, I could stay with a friend, but I know that's only going to please him and massively inconvenience me. It's just a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaudog · 16/09/2017 12:26

Heavenlyeyes He swears blind that he hasn't taken drugs in a while and I can't say I believe him. The unreasonable behaviour is a killer - nice one minute, raging the next, completely ignoring me. My friend asked me this morning why I wanted to stay with him - I honestly don't know. I'm very independent and was on my own for over 10yrs before we met - I'm not worried about being single, I just feel like a massive failure.

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 16/09/2017 12:27

so you are choosing to stay with aabuser - why?

yetmorecrap · 16/09/2017 12:36

Unless he is. Property developer and buying to sell on at significant profit, working in your house is not a job!!

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