Should I just let it go?

[JanetWeiss]

I need an outsiders perspective please, by my own admission I'm getting so obsessed with this I can't see the woods for the trees.

My husband is in senior management and travels twice a week, sometimes overnight and sometimes there and back in a day so leaves early morning and returns 9/10pm. This is part of his job and it can't be helped.

BUT. We have two children, and obviously sometimes I need to do things without them. Should I expect him to make an effort to be around as much as his job allows to share the load, or should I just accept he's only part of the pool of childcare I have available to me, on par with grandparents?

Disclaimer: I'm not intending to dripfeed! I've left this vague because if he sees it he will know it's about him. I will answer questions or provide more details if asked.

What was discussed before you had the DC's? Has anything changed?

Well if he isn't physically there and his job won't allow any wiggle room, then I don't see what option he has.

But if he chooses those hours and actually he could work more flexibly if he wanted to, that's a bit different.

Can you be more specific about how long he is away for, and how much he does when he's back?

It sounds like he's only away 2 nights per week (I'm counting the late return as an overnight as the kids are in bed by then).

Honestly, that doesn't sound like a big deal to me, if he pulls his weight on the other 5 days, and it's not seriously impacting your own career.

I'm divorced now, but when I was married I used to be away 3 nights in a row every other week. Child was 4. My XH had sole care those nights (from nursery pick up after work)

When I was home, I did everything. Partly because he was a lazy arse, partly because our marriage was failing (not related to work or childcare) and partly because I wanted to have every minute with my child.

I'd have been pretty pissed off if my XH decscribed me as just one of a range of childcare options!

2 nights a week really isn't that much, so I expect you have a bigger issue about what happens on the other 5 nights.

Before we had children we didn't realise his career would take the trajectory it has, so it was agreed his job would take priority and he would work full time but he would be available evenings and weekends to enable me to work part time (which I still do, currently on maternity leave).

It's not the travelling itself I object to, it's everything else on top. He's got into the habit of picking up and dropping off colleagues (who can drive and own cars!) when he travels across the country so is getting home up to two hours later than he would normally. I have a limpit baby who won't be put down so need him home at night to give my arms a rest! I told him a week ago I needed him home one evening this week as I had an appointment but he forgot and booked to travel. He got his mother in to babysit, but if I'd know he was going to "forget" I would have called and asked her myself and cut out the middle man.

I don't want him to just be an option though! What I'm getting at is to save myself from being so bitter, should I just not expect him to be around when I can't? Other than the 16 hours a week I work I very rarely need him to look after the children, as my parents are retired and within reason can take them if I have eg a doctors appointment.

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him not to deliberately create situations that extend his day at your expense.

I would want him to want to spend more time at home.

This does sound a little #firstworldproblems to be honest. Why on earth aren't you just having a conversation with your husband about this ?

Probably because she wants to sound out other people first to see if her expectations are reasonable or not.

He can't do right for doing wrong though, can he?
I've forgotten appointments before - I'm pretty organised, but it happens. When he did, he sorted it out, got his mother to babysit.
If you had posted that he'd let you down and you had to get a babysitter everyone would have said - he should have sorted it! Which he did.

What's going on with the lifts? Two additional hours is ridiculous. But have you spoken to him about it? I car share with colleagues sometimes and we carry on our meeting, or it's a network / team building type opportunity. That doesn't mean he has time for it! But there may be a reason.

It certainly sounds like on those travel days, he has mentally absented himself from home responsibilities - so is not even thinking that 2 hours makes a difference. That might be because he's a selfish cock and its irredeemable. Or it might be because he thinks everyone is happy that those are "count me out" nights - and you have to tell him otherwise.

Is he pulling his weight on the other 5 days?

Why did you put "forget" in inverted commas by the way?
Is part of the problem that you think he's lying?

Tell him straight out that you want him to stop picking up people and dropping them off because it cuts into what little time he has with the kids. Tell him that he needs to track his commitments at home on his work calendar so that you can count on him.

My dh travels a lot too and has business dinners. I can't be helped, however it isn't a "get out of jail free card" that means he has no responsibility toward our home.

Also, be really thankful and appreciate that you have 2 sets of grandparents close by, and willing and able to mind the children.

But I understand the feeling of getting dumped on and being told it isn't a real problem.

Not very helpful but I have made it clear to my DP that when we have kids I will not accept him working away.

He doesn't do it now but there have been times in the past where he's gone away for a week or two. Only as one off's.

I could deal with it if it was a one off. But if we had kids and THEN he started working away on a regular bases I would give him an ultimatum.

At the end of the day OP they're his kids as much as yours. His responsibility as much as yours. Would he be alright with you working away two days a week? Nah, I doubt it. So why should you be?
I'm sure there's other jobs he could be doing that doesn't involve him going away.

I'd rather have the father of my children at home earning less money for than him working away on a regular bases earning more.

Sparkling raspberry- marriages end over this. The way it plays out is the woman makes it clear that she is very unhappy and wants him to change his job. She keeps being miserable. He meets some one new who is supportive of his career success. First wife feels like a victim and thinks it ended because of OW.

I'm in my 50s and married to a high earner. We've had more fights about his job than anything else. What saved us was watching how it played out with everyone we know. Then we changed to

1. Me focusing on little things that would help

2 . Him realizing that he has to work at our relationship just like he does his career.

How do you know the OP's husband wouldn't be OK with her working away too? Nothing in her post suggests that. My XH had no problem with the fact I travelled for work, and accepted that he did childcare alone on those days.

I think TrailingWife gives good advice - look at how this can end up so you protect your marriage against that. Starting by talking about the issue.

Sounds like your DH needs to get a bit more organised. If it's part of his job that seems fine to me, and you split the time he's home in a fair way. But, honestly! driving colleagues around instead of being at home with you sounds unnecessary and upsetting. I would have been angry if my other half did that when the kids were younger and if I was feeling miserable and tired.

I also like trailing wife's advice!

What else can you tell us trailing? what do you do that "helps"?

TrailingWife nails it.

I'd also add that it's hideously difficult to change the mentality of someone who is a-ok with excessive working hours and long periods away from home.

I used to work for a Big 4 consultancy and have seen marriages flounder again and again in situations such as these. But it's so very hard to address the issue when you agreed as a family that his career would take priority...and then it took an unexpected trajectory.

The extra two hours of drop offs is frustrating and worrying. You are within your rights to tell him to cut that out. The rest is tricky...the demands of his job may mean he does feel like part of the pool of help and not Dad in the week...which is pants but a very common scenario.

Things that could turn this problem BAD:

1. If he stops feeling like a husband as well as a dad; then you're on shaky footing. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
2. Addressing this with ultimatums. You guys need to try and work a plan out together to balance the parenting. In truth it will evidence if he actually wants to be around in the week at all or if he's happy to leave it up to you.

Good luck. It's a common problem but if left untreated can rot the strongest relationships from the inside.

OP - I don't think that you just need to let it go, as it is clearly bothering you. And, with a small baby - you are clearly tired and need some sort or better solution to all.

Firstly - I'd say - if you agreed that his career is a priority, and travelling is part of the job - then that part is hard to object to. And - twice a week - for a long day; or one overnight - isn't that bad.
I used to work away 4 days a week. That would have been tough with a family.
Now - giving unnecessary (long) lifts to colleagues - is indefensible.
So - I'd not complain about travel as such, but ask him how he can justify those extra hours away from home. And I'd tell him how much you'd appreciate him being around those hours.

But, as the bigger answer to your question - yes. With a high pressured job, and long hours and travel - I'd say your expectations of high level of involvement in weekly childcare is unrealistic.
My H - for example - never can commit to anything weekdays - he may have a late afternoon meeting pop up, or a trip to another country.
I used to work in the same industry - so understand it, and it's never been an issue. Just how it is.

However, with that sort of a job comes the trade off - if he can't be there to do his bit - then he should make enough to pay for some help to make your life easier.
If you have parents - is surely helps too. But you can't offload to parents all the time.

So - I'd figure out how you can organise you life so that you are not constantly exhausted and angry at your absent (working) husband - that will make you all happier.
If it is getting a cleaner or a babysitter once (or as needed) times a week, so that you can make appointments, see friends, or go to the gym - than so be it.

When I got married, I thought that my DH would make me happy, and that I would make him happy. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Sounds like why people get married, because they make each other happy.

It didn't work that way. I eventually realized that I had to take responsibility for my own happiness, and that whether or not I was happy needed to be independent of my DH and his f*ing career.

At different points that has looked different -- from yoga to book club to retraining for a different career, etc. There isn't one right answer. It's really about giving myself permission to create a life I like within the context of the marriage, if that makes sense.

I also let go of the idea that I'm supposed to make him happy. I'm nice to him. I listen well. I do kind things for him, but in the end whether or not he is happy is on him, not me. Feeling like I was supposed to make him happy ended up just making me feel angry at him.

I think that married couples are better off trying to treat each other with dignity than trying to make each other happy. I think that's a bit of a sad statement, I think it makes me sound old. But I've watched so many really nice people turn horrid to each other.

It's complicated with a baby or small children, because their needs come first, and tend to fall to the parent who doesn't travel. We've never lived near family, and one of my children is on the autism spectrum. For a while, I had a regular sitter every Wednesday night so that I had built in time for myself. I think all any of us can do is to trouble shoot our specifics in carving out space and figure out what actually works in our situation. Hopefully, without anger or blaming.

This is already long, but I have 3 other pieces of advice for women who find themselves in similar situations:

1. Do fun things with your DH, whatever that means for the 2 of you. Be a couple together. It's tough between the career and raising kids and carving out a little of your life for yourself, but actually having fun together as couple is better than marriage counseling. If you really can't manage to have fun together even when you set aside time for it and try, then marriage counseling is a good idea. (It saved my marriage)

1. Be selective about who you confide in. Not every body gets it. My marriage has been difficult and I really feel for those of you who relate to my posts. None the less, I want my marriage to work. My DH is a good man who loves me, loves our kids, and genuinely wants the best for us. I refuse to let it fall apart because he's successful and driven. In choosing who to confide in, choose people who are friends of the relationship -- not those who say they would never allow it or that you have a first world problem.

1. Try to look on the bright side of what your spouse's career brings to your kids lives. For years, I saw only the negative. Some of the positives took a long time to play out. My child with autism is now in a work experience that my DH was able to arrange through his contacts. It's living changing. Our other child will get through uni without debt. Depending on what stage of life you are, this may be the hardest piece of advice, so feel free to skip it for now. The other stuff is far more pressing and important.

But let go of the anger, and give yourself permission to find your own happiness.

Really good posts and advice for so many of us!!!

Thank you for taking the time to the above three posters.

Yes trailing, we are all on our own journeys. There should be money to pay for some help to keep us sane! There are definite advantages for the long term for the whole family of having a higher salary as a result of all this work, even though it certainly makes life difficult in the short time.

@caffelatte Deciding to spend money to make my life happier was difficult for me. I tend to be generous with others, but I used to be cheap with myself.

Sadly, one of the best things to happen to my marriage was watching one of the couples we were closest to divorce. It was my DH's best friend, and I had gotten really close to his wife as well. They are both really nice people who at one point really loved each other. So often the demise of a relationship is blamed on one person being evil, but that was so clearly not the case. It really brought home how fragile every marriage is. Both my DH and I changed.

Can you ask him not to pick up/drop off colleagues making the trips longer? Other than that I can't really see what can change unfortunately. I do understand where you're coming from, we have 3, all with ASD and DP sometimes works 100 + hour weeks, which is great for the family finances (more options, holidays, less stress about bills), but occasionally I am beyond exhausted and I'd love to be able to make plans more often with friends but the nature of his job depends on when clients are available so it's not easy to predict when he'll be home or if he'll be home. It's hard going at times, but a necessary evil if we're to be able to enjoy a financially stress free life.
He does however pull his weight in all respects when he's home, or on days off or whatever. I can't fault him in that respect.