Him watching weird porn while I was pregnant

[Complicatedagain]

One year of relationship, one 10 weeks old baby. He is 34. Met online and he lied about his past saying was married to a 40 years old woman who died of cancer. I got pregnant with the first baby straight away and we list it. He was carying picture of ex wife as a screen lock and made a scene when I said it was not appropriate anymore. Also her pictures in the car...each time when I said it was not appropriate he would shout and threatened to leave me being pregnant. I finally looked into his Facebook profile and discovered that woman was 53 years old when she died four years ago, 24 years his senior. He lied about her age. I would not date him if I knew that simply as smelled trouble and wired emotional profile. Felt deceived and put in a second place after her. After losing the baby was depressed and felt I needed to be pregnant again.was still in love with him. However he became cold and distant not giving me love and was like that for the entire relationship that has been going on for more than a year. I found out he was watching porn with elderly woman and young men while I was pregnant with the second baby, while I was at work. I have been paying for all the expenses as he lost his job for the last year. I grew up without a father my parents separated when I was six months old. I feel terrified my boy Will be sad as I was as a child. My

He treats me with no respect, shouts at me, has hit me few times. I'm university educated, financially well of. Don't depend on him in any way. Have no family in the UK. I'm quite alone here. HV applied for the home start volunteer.what to do. gulf porn is too much to take

You sound very unhappy, obviously, because he is rubbish. Is this unhappiness really worth fighting for or trying to make work.
You're terrified your son will be sad, I think that is very likely to happen if you stay with this man but less likely to happen if you break up. It's sometimes better that way. Look how many choose themselves to cut off a horrible parent, this is because sometimes it better to have none than a damaging one. If he is a good father anyway, he can do that without being with you and damaging you and your son. You and your son deserve more.

The porn's the least relevant bit from all this. The fact he clearly doesn't love or respect you and is leaching off you are the elements to concentrate on! Why stay? His feelings are unlikely to change and you're not modelling a healthy relationship for your DC.

Split up, make sure he has plenty of contact with your DC and work on what you want/need in a relationship before starting another one.

Reading your post, first thing that came to my mind was - really, porn is the main issue here?
(and, as an aside - why is it OK for men to be with younger women, and why is 'weird' when it's the other way around)

Your baby is already here, so it's pointless to mention that having a baby with someone one barely knows is not a great idea.
Or, even more 😳, getting pregnant as a way of dealing with depression, again with the same near stranger that didn't seem a good father figure the first time around.

Your baby is the only person who is important and innocent in all this.

I hope, for the baby sake - you'll find strength to sort yourself out - deal with your issues and insecurities. Figure out what it means to be the best mother to him.

As to your boyfriend (or whoever he is, given your setup) - it's hard to say much from your post.
It's doubtful that he was looking to become a father at this point of his life. And not clear if his presence in baby's life is adding much.
But he is the father, so that boat has sailed.
Maybe, he'll grow up one day and man up to that role. Although, I am not sure it's likely.

Hope, for the baby sake, something changes and he gets to grow up feeling safe and secure.

There is nothing wrong in the age gap unless it's an unhealthy sexual fixation. For both sexes. This is why I am concerned. I'll look after the baby giving him a normal home. I'm just concerned whether I should keep this partner as not sure what is best for the baby. He behaves as a good dad which is good for the baby and then he is a bad partner who is making me miserable. I am 43. After 17 years of marriage where I could not have children due to my husband's illness I embraced an opportunity to have a child. I took that risk as he was a wonderful and caring man to start with but it was a wrong choice. Now trying to sort it out the best I can. I would never expect a violent person or person being attracted to senior citizens but a lesson learnt thinking everybody is normal. Anyway these traits take long to show up. I'm just so sad this happened and my child will suffer. I do feel I made a mistake.

Your child will suffer if you stay with him, that's guaranteed
Yes you did make a mistake having a child with someone you barely knew, but now you have a choice to minimise some of the harm by separating from this horrible man and protecting your baby from his toxic influence.

He is NOT a lovely and caring man if he hits you!!! For that instance alone you should leave him.

You are not dependent on him, you do not need him. Save yourself, save your child and leave.

The heartache you will feel in the short term will have much less impact on you and your child than if you stay and suffer years of abuse. You will suffer abuse if you stay and the longer you stay the worse it will get.

Please leave him.

The porn thing isn't really an issue. Porn is a fantasy. You'd be amazed what perfectly normal, healthy, sensible people watch. Unless you had discussed it and agreed you wouldn't have any porn in your relationship at all or expressed that you were uncomfortable with certain kinds, you can't really be upset about that. But the lying, lack of affection, unhealthy fixation with an ex, disrespect, etc. is an issue, probably a red flag from the start of why you should have gotten to know each other a bit first before jumping head first into family life. I know easier said than done in hindsight. What you do now depends on what you're willing to put up with and what you want for your future and your dc's.

Bloody hell. LTB for sure. He sounds as if he isn't over her at all. Fixating on porn as a way to feel better. Yuk. Its all about him isn't it.

You will be much better off without him and so will your baby. You will be free to meet someone who treats you the way you deserve.

Be brave.

As porn goes I would definitely not consider that to be especially weird! Leave him because he hits you.

Leave him

OP - what it looks like to me from your post is that both of you got into this relationship to get something out of it.
He is attracted to older women - his Ex, you. Maybe it gives him security, etc. I don't know.
You saw the opportunity to have a child and grabbed it. Can't blame you for that now that you mentioned that kids were not an option in your previous marriage.

However, and it's quite clear - having kids is NOT why he got together with you. You taking care of a kid means you can't take care of him....
Expecting him to share your priorities is unrealistic. This kid is, most likely, the one an only child that you will have.
And at 34 - he can still wait and still have a few more.

You and him are not in the same phase of life. And with different goals and priorities.
So - there is no need to stay and try to save something that doesn't exist.

You got pregnant very quickly, almost as soon as you got together, and it was on purpose? Is that right?

In all honesty, you sound like an intelligent and kind woman. I cant even fathom why you would want to be with someone who treats you this way.
There is so much more for you out there than this.

This relationship was a mistake from the beginning.

You got pregnant with a man you hardly knew. He's a liar and he's a liability.

The porn is nothing compared to his abuse towards you.

So what's stopping you leaving him? I reckon you can.

It was not on purpose I got pregnant the first time.It was not even at the back of my mind. I asked if he wants me to take the pill after and he said no. I'm just shocked with this level of violence and probably stunned and don't know how to react as it never happened before. I did read books about violent men and I know it escalates. I guess I am affraid to make the move. I'm alone in the city, few friends.no family can help me.

I think his ex and her age is a separate issue from your relationship. I don't understand why you care how old she was.

The issue is that he hits you and treats you badly. That is not OK.