OLD how to start conversations??

[ShirleyValentine74]

Hi all, I thought I'd give OLD a try as been separated now for over a year. Bearing in mind the last time I dated I had to meet people the old fashioned way by actual speaking to people now I've had a few messages I find it hard to respond. I don't have a problem chatting to men face to face and my friends say I do flirt with men but when it comes to writing a response I just go blank. I read a previous post saying you don't have to respond to men who aren't floating your boat which is great advice as I felt that it wasn't polite if I didn't respond, but those that seem nice I'm like 😱. Any advice greatly received.

You could ask what hobbies/interests they have..
How they spend their spare time..have they travelled..what family they have and how often they see them...best places they've visited..social events or any holidays coming up..favourite food/recipies
I'm sure once you get going it will be fine...good luck

Just keep it incredibly light to begin with.

Don't they write anything in their message to you that you can respond to?

Ask questions? Respond to something you've said in your profipe by telling you something about themselves that you can respond to? Say something witty or funny that you can engage with?

Because if they're not doing at leaat one of those then I wouldn't bother replying in the first place.

Thanks for the advice, no most of them just say hi or how are you?

I hate that "hi" message.

You contacted me, why do I have to be the one to think of something interesting to say?

And the chances are you've sent that same message to a few hundred people.

I much prefer a message that refers to something in my profile (e.g. "is that picture Dubrovnik, what's it like?"). Just anything that shows that you are interested in talking to ME, not just interested in talking to any woman who will respond to me.

I pretty much kept to my rule that if I only got "hi / how are you" I wouldn't bother replying.

My rule was that if a man couldn't be bothered to read my profile and pick out one thing from it, he wasn't the man for me. Partly because he was most likely playing a numbers game and hadn't read the profile, and partly because I knew I was after a chatty type

I didn't expect long messages, as many go unanswered. They just had to make ONE reference to my profile.

I have a classic camper van, it was in one of my photos - my OLD fiancé simply said "hi - I love your van - how long have you had it?" and we went from there.

My advice is:

• ignore the "hi" messages at first
• have a quick look at their profile - if you're interested then pick out one thing in it to respond about
• you could just reply "Hi!" or "Hi " which look friendly, but are no effort, and put the ball back in their court

Trills is my perfect OLD partner

That's a great first message Ellisandra :)

I once tried out responding to "hi" with "a man of few words, I see" in order to see if that would encourage them to say some words. I'd confirmed that I existed and was online, so now they could do a proper message.

That often did start a conversation, but none of the people who had started with just "hi" turned out to be interesting. So I went back to not replying to messages that were just "hi".

That was absolutely my experience - the few times I replied to a "hi", the sender didn't manage to improve!

I did sometimes reply to the "hi" messages, if I otherwise really liked the look of them! But never with more than a "hi" back and then it was up to them to make a bit more of an effort...but I agree with others that conversations starting with "hi" never really improved...

Don't invest too much effort in first messages. If anything else, it can be really offputting to get a massive essay that references EVERYTHING from your profile Just pull out something that interests you, especially if it's something you have in common, and ask about that. I messaged my boyfriend first by asking about his job (sounds mundane but he actually has quite an interesting job!), he responded referring to something in my profile and we were off!

Good luck!

You have to set your standards and be ruthless in sticking to them. No profile? No message. Anyone who writes "I'll fill this in later blah blah blah" no message. Anyone who sends you "hi" or "u r sexi" no message. Don't make the mistake of thinking that they sent that message because they're interested in you, the person. It's the OLD equivalent of when you pick up something new in the supermarket, with no intention of buying it, turn the box around in your hand barely noticing what's on the box, then put it back down again.

Only reply to those who mention something about your profile or the interests you've mentioned and who've had the courtesy to write something about themselves. This will give you something to ask questions about. If they've not written anything about themselves you've no idea if you have anything in common. Oh and don't think you have to change just to have a date. What I mean by that is I hate camping. I know I hate camping. I'm 51, I'll always hate camping so there's no point me writing to someone who has a VW camper van and loves taking off at weekends. If you know what you don't like then stick to your guns. Sometimes I think that the urge to 'havne a man at any cost' takes over with OLD and people squash their own personalities.

It is fun though as long as you filter, filter, filter and use the block function freely! Good luck!

I have to say that I kind of avoided anything funny after a while after a couple of people did not get that a comment was meant to be humorous and responded literally. I guess you could say that weeded people out faster - but my thought was that it is actually hard to tell if something is meant to be funny just from reading a text, from someone you don't know.

If someone says 'Hi' to me I tend to say it back with a 'How are doing? and where are you based?'
Have a look at their profile and see if you can pick up on anything.
A few of the guys would say I had a cool profile and lovely curls, etc....
They maybe self employed so ask what their business is.
That kind of thing.

If anyone messaged me with nothing more than:

"Hi"
"Hows u" [sic]
"Hey sexy"
"Nice smile"

Or variants on the above, I ignored and often blocked.

I figured that the men who sent those messages believed that the women who responded to them were inexperienced, naive to OD or had low self esteem and would, therefore, be more susceptible to their lazy advances.

Basically, "hi" means, "I've looked at your photo and, based on that, I'd shag you".

They've rarely even read your profile.

Then if you make an effort to reply to a no effort first contact, they reckon you're naive/vulnerable/inexperienced/desperate enough for it to be easy for them to charm you into bed and you'll believe whatever "I've never felt like this before" nonsense they chuck at you.

it can be really offputting to get a massive essay that references EVERYTHING from your profile

Absolutely. No need for an essay. Don't ask me seven questions. Just one will do.