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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help please with mental health and bad behaviour

5 replies

Pebbles1989 · 13/09/2017 19:18

I'd be really grateful for some advice on this sensitive issue. I have a friend with serious and long-term MH issues - these include bipolar and borderline personality disorder. A year ago we were due to go on holiday with some friends and she cancelled at the last minute as she was suicidal and had been admitted to a psychiatric ward. We all understood her reasons and weren't annoyed with her.

Fast-forward to now and we booked a holiday, just the two of us. Everything seemed fine and at 2pm on the day she texted me saying how excited she was. At 7pm she texted again to cancel, without giving a reason, saying only that she couldn't come and that no explanation she could give would be good enough. I texted and tried to call her but her phone was off... for three days. I went on the holiday and have made the best of it, but I am in a party resort surrounded by middle-aged couples, which is not how I would have chosen to spend my annual leave (my friend chose this place).

She has now got back in touch, basically to repeat the thing about explanations and saying that she "doesn't deserve anger" and asking me to redirect my anger (if any) elsewhere. I didn't respond as I had nothing nice to say and genuinely didn't want to upset her or provoke some kind of crisis. But I also feel like I have a right to be angry and that she owes me a proper explanation. Her mental health issues don't give her carte blanche to crap all over her friends, do they? I also don't understand how her issues could come on so suddenly. I don't think I want to be friends with her anymore but I still really want an explanation as to why I've ended up here by myself.

I'd be grateful for any outside thoughts on this situation.

OP posts:
user1480334601 · 13/09/2017 20:00

Its a tough one to be honest as if she is still struggling with her mental health you probably shouldn't go in on her. Though I understand why you're frustrated!

Probably best to never make any important plans with her again. And cut your losses for this trip

NeonFlower · 13/09/2017 20:04

You have feelings too.

stumblymonkeyagain · 13/09/2017 20:08

I feel for you as I'm coming out of several years of this with a friend of mine. I'm very understanding about MH issues, not least because I have bipolar disorder myself however I have had to put some boundaries in place for my own sanity.

The main boundary is that I don't ever arrange anything with her anymore where her last minute inevitable cancellation would impact on me.

So for example I'd still go on holiday with her as part of a group, I'll still do things with her at the weekend as part of a group and will invite her to my house on a 1-2-1 basis where I have contingency plans to watch a boxset when she inevitably doesn't show.

It's been a bit painful getting to this point but I've had to withdraw from the friendship to some extent because I felt it was becoming almost toxic which is not useful for anyone involved...

Pebbles1989 · 13/09/2017 20:10

I knew I shouldn't have agreed to go on holiday with her again. I'm not normally a naive person, but I feel like a total mug.

OP posts:
stumblymonkeyagain · 13/09/2017 20:11

Also...to some extent it's almost not worth arguing this one as the fact that she has BPD means that she's unlikely to be able to accept her own part in any issues and will just become very defensive and even possibly go on the attack. These are symptoms of BPD so you're unlikely to get the apology you might be looking for...

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