Not sure what to do

[Lulu44]

Hi, I'm really confused right now and would like some outside views please.

Things have been off between my partner and I for pretty much most of this year ( together for 2 and a half years). He blames our lack of sex (possibly due to the coil) I blame not being able to talk properly without him getting upset, and him not giving me any space.

We went on a break earlier on in the year and things started to look more positive however we've ended up in exactly the same place as we were before rhe break.
We had an argument last week. Long story short, my previous relationship was an abusive one, and when my partner tried to initiate in the bedroom I had a flashback and froze up. Instead of being understanding, he turned it all round on himself and how I've made him feel awful and he can't forget it. I do understand it must be horrible to have your partner freeze on you like that but he won't listen when I try to explain that I froze because of the pressure I was under to say yes and my ex never took no for an answer. He seems to have an issue with the fact that my last relationship was abusive, I honestly feel like sometimes he thinks I exaggerate. He later claimed the argument was due to his severe depression( no previous mention on him being depressed) and it would be best if I just have my coil removed??

Fast forward to this week. I try to talk about the distance between us and how we can work on it. We both admit to being unhappy and he tells me the only options are I have my coil removed and we regain our spark ( he's extremely anti coil in case you haven't noticed) or as I have other doubts as well we just call it a day. He concluded we call it a day so he packed up his stuff told me he loves me but isn't upset by us breaking up and left.

I feel like I'm in complete limbo, it sounded like he'd already left the relationship mentally months ago, It really hurt that he showed no emotion or that he wasnt bothered but yet he claimed to love me? After days of silence, he messaged me out of the blue saying he left the way he did because he needed to show me he was strong again?? Whatever that means? And he wants to meet up and talk, but I've no idea what to do?

I've tried to keep it short and not waffle, any thoughts will be greatly appreciated x

I wouldn't talk to him. You already tried and he wasn't listening. i'm really sorry to say this but it sounds like he's just interested in the sex and doesn't care about you. It's likely after an abusive relationship that you need to work on yourself and love yourself before getting into another relationship. Otherwise history will keep repeating

He sounds like he's trying to train you into accepting whatever and everything he demands.

You have narrowly avoided abusive relationship number 2.

I wouldn't waste any time trying to decipher his text ramblings. He is trying to manipulate you and wants you to beg for him to come back.

Fuck that - hold your head up high, tell him you really weren't into the relationship any more and are glad that he is in agreement. Wish him well and wave bye bye.

His behaviour sounds very manipulative: "either I get what I want/need or I'm out".

This is not about the coil or anything else (I don't know which type of coil you have, but the copper coil works locally and it doesn't affect your hormones or your whole body)

He's not seeing you or respecting your past and how you feel about it. His focus seems to be on the sexual act, without it being part of something bigger.

You're not interested in sex because it's all about him. Don't contact him again and try to move on. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I really don't think you should bow down to what he wants, it's your body, if you want the coil in that's your choice & your partner should respect that.
a relationship isn't all about sex, & for him not to be understanding about what happened with you freezing up, he should be supportive & just give you a cuddle, not be a twat because he hasn't got his own way.
I really think for you own sake you should get out the relationship & concentrate on yourself for a little while, you don't need an arsehole in your life, you need to find a man who will treat you how you deserve to be treated
Please look after yourself & get out that relationship.

Thank you for your replies.

I think I really need to work on myself. Im too much of a people pleaser and struggle with holding my boundaries. Deep down I've definitely had some of your comments floating around in the back of my head but then I don't know if that's because I've previously experienced being used and manipulated, and then I struggle to identify if that's what I'm experiencing now so I give him the benefit of the doubt and feel guilty when he says I've made him feel or look bad. Again that's a boundary thing isn't it? You shouldn't feel guilty because someone's said something to hurt you and allow them to shift the blame onto you when they shouldn't have been nasty in the first place?

Don't ever feel guilty, your not in the wrong in any way, you shouldn't give him the benefit, he is manipulating you, you deserve better, get rid of him😊

One thing that bothers me is that he is pushing you to stop using your prefered method of birth control, getting a woman pregnant is a way that some controlling men try to trap a woman so that she has to stay with him.

He sounds emotionally abusive. Have you read "why does he do that" by Bancroft?

Just a point to add to all the comments above - at 2.5 years it shouldn't be such hard going and so much drama and with trial separation already.

He's got issues, you've got your past. And it seems that the two of you are not a good combination.

At least you figured it out early, and not 10 years (and few kids) down the line...

because he needed to show me he was strong again??
Translated - He needs to show you who's boss so you do as you are told!
His abuse is escalating and you can see it.
Did you have outside support after your last abusive relationship?
Did Womens Aid help you?
Have you done their Freedom Programme.
Ignore, block and delete this controlling ass from your life.

You shouldn't feel guilty because someone's said something to hurt you and allow them to shift the blame onto you when they shouldn't have been nasty in the first place?

oh sweetie, no, you shouldn't be made to feel guilty when someone else has said something to hurt you. They should feel guilty for hurting you. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling hurt when someone says something to you that is hurtful.

The coffin lid has been well and truly nailed in. Just had a call from my mum after he went to visit her. Dropped my belongings round to her, he repeated that he's strong etc coil to blame etc. However he then said that we haven't actually broken up and he only broke up with me to prove a point? I'm genuinely baffled as to how he (or anyone) thinks it's acceptable to do that?!
I've bagged up the small bits he left and I'm running full speed without looking back.

Just ordered 'why does he do that?', thanks for the suggestion.

I have done the freedom programme, but it was about 3 years ago so I'm thinking of looking in to doing it again.

Other then that I'm not sure what other support to look for. My family aren't in the same town, I'm close to my mum but I don't really want to burden her in iykwim. I don't have any friends, a combination of being in a new town and my ex isolating me. I'm looking in to different ways to get myself out there,but I'm admittedly finding it hard.

Anyway, thank you for all your replies, I really do appreciate them.

It's an excellent book. It has a chapter on how abuse starts, and early signs in a relationship. I'm thinking of copying some of it and sending to my DD who is in uni, not because she's in a bad relationship but just because I think it is important information that all women should have! We should be teaching this in classes, or in girl guides or something.

You might try finding a club or society based around something you enjoy. We've moved a lot for my DH's job (hence my screen name) and that's how I meet people. It takes a little time, but you also get to pursue an interest at the same time.

He wants you off the coil because he wants you pregnant and dependent.

I really like the fact that obviously he's a qualified and experienced gynecologist who can accurately diagnose and describe what the coil can do to a woman!!?? Particularly when it breaks free and travels to her brain!!

Sounds like a 'push me, pull me' relationship - bloody exhausting & confusing for you.
Cut him off, set him free. It's the only way you will get peace of mind.