Still so angry at a friend from the past

[ginandtonic324]

I know I shouldn't be ruminating over this any more. I stopped contact with this friend about five years ago and I'm still so angry at her. She had a very overpowering personality, very narcissistic in many ways, very self centered, and looking back, manipulative.

I had enough of her and her being in my life. She always placed herself in a pedestal and belittled other people. I really wanted this toxic character out of my life. The problem was that when I stopped contact with her, she probably badmouthed me with two of my very close friends who were friends with her too, and they stopped contact with me too. Such a manipulative cow!! I'm so angry with her.

The irony is that she was always badmouthing everybody, but I always kept quiet, never passed information back and forth among our group of friends, and this is how it all ended up for me.

Sorry for the rant. I'm still so, so angry at this person. It's all in the past but I really grieved losing my other two friends, and I think it was her fault.

They weren't that good friends if they were so easily manipulated by her

You're defo better off without them

Why be angry at her, be angry at your other friends. They are adults, they made their own decisions.

Given the fact that they chose the nasty woman over you they probably weren't worth hanging on to anyway.

Have you ever tried to speak to these 2 friends about it? I would be just as mad with them for believing her. Doesn't make it any easier to accept though because you have essentially lost 3 friends.
You deserve better friends though.

Thanks for your replies. I know deep inside none of them were probably good friends. There was a lot of badmouthing when one us wasn't around. But this particularly woman had an awful personality. The other two weren't great, but they were nicer people overall. Not perfect but not awful either.

Anon, no, I never tried to talk about it with my other two friends because I just wanted to avoid the drama. The communication went downhill over time, due to us not living in the same countries. I had two small children at the time and the emotional work was too much for me.

I guess it's just the anger that comes with grieving a loss. Just don't know how to get over it completely.

I'm so sorry to hear this. She will show her true colours to the other friends eventually so you are better off out of it. It says more about her than you. Do you still see these people? It might be best to avoid them. Out of sight, out of mind. If you find yourself thinking of her, try a displacement activity to take your mind off her (I'm going through a crossword phase).

Do you have to get over it completely? Couldn't you just let it sit there, the anger, you remember your friend and that you're angry, think for a while about how angry you were/are, and how much you might have missed due to not having a good relationship, and then you just continue with whatever you were doing ?

Thanks for your replies and insight. I'm reading a Mindfulness book at the moment and it points in that direction. We just have to let the emotions be rather than fighting them all the time. Sort of admit the way you feel, but try to focus somewhere else, a more positive thought or mental place.

I guess it's hard to begin with but we can all get there if we keep trying and training ourselves to be more accepting of those not so nice feelings.

It doesn't matter if you're angry or not, it's over something that happened in the past, which can't be changed after the fact. The only one being hurt by being angry is you, and you really don't have time for going around and being angry with past events, especially when it doesn't change anything. OK, you're friend was difficult, but that was then, and this is now. Try to refocus on things you enjoy instead.

That said it doesn't mean you can get annoyed when thinking about a past event, but you decide you don't let it control how you behave. You can be angry and sad that it was so bad back then, and it is sad that it was like that.