Should I 'make more effort'?

[moomay]

I'm really really upset and could do with some thought from others. My partner says he feels I have no pride in myself. I am fine with myself. I shave and put make up on and make a normal kind of effort every day. He seems to want me to make more 'effort 'for me' but I feel this is manipulative and that it's for him but he won't admit it. He has often been unkind about my clothes of appearance (and has also given compliments - but the bad things always stick more than the good) so I feel there is no point trying to please him. Now, I make an effort that suits me... but it clearly doesn't suit him. I feel lied to and manipulated and that nothing is ever good enough for him.

Look back to when you first started dating - was there some negging going on? Does he compare you to other women?

He never compared me to other women no... I would have been out the door! But he has said many hurtful insensitive things that he now gets annoyed if i mention. He wasn't exactly a charming seducer put it that way!

Basically, I'm fine with me, so if I make more effort, it is for him regardless of whether he wants that or not... but when (this year) I lost weight and dressed nicely he didn't even notice... so what's the point. Why waste my time and money. Plenty of other men find me attractive... he's just never happy with me and what I do or what I look like.

Why are you with him ?

he's just never happy with me and what I do or what I look like.

OP, that's sad.

Why stay with him, then?

We have a two year old daughter and I'm trying to make it work... I want to make it work, but I don't want to be an idiot who just tries to please her man cos that's apparently what I'm supposed to do to keep things sexy... even though I'm not overweight, I don't look tired or unkempt, etc... I just want to be appreciated as I am.

He has no right to make any sort of comment about how you look. If you were unwashed and extremely scruffy he might be forgiven for expressing some concern about your welfare/how others might perceive you but if you're happy then he needs to fuck off and shut up.

Out of interest, how do you think he would respond if you said his appearance wasn't up to scratch?

We have a two year old daughter

And he's irked by the lack of effort you're putting into your cosmetic appearance? Tell him to fuck off. Seriously, you've given him a child and are no doubt focusing on giving that toddler all the attention she needs. You should be a glowing angel in his eyes even if your hair's a mess, you're wearing sloppy joes and are spattered in dribble and half chewed food.

Has he always been like this? He can't really love you as he wants to change you.

What is he suggesting you do? How do you respond to comments? I would suggest you are firm and keep repeating you are happy as you are.

I'm having a slightly similar issue to you. My partner has made comments about how I don't do my make up how I use to and how I don't dress a certain way and often comments on how he would prefer me to dress. He's even comment on how I should get back into the gym - I had my daughter 3 months ago by emergency c section so finding the time and energy to do this isn't easy! But everything he says I ignore, I'm happy with myself and if he's not okay with that he knows where the door is

I suspect you won't be able to win. You could wear full make up and glam up and he'd probably say you're wearing too much make up and look tarty and so it will go on.

I've never had any man complain about my appearance whether I'm glam or natural and I spend most of my spare time without make up done, unstyled hair and in jeans. The first time a man complained he'd get short shrift and I'd point out all the things I'd like him to improve. The second time I'd show him the door and invite him to walk through it.

Never forget the example you're setting to your DD. Don't teach her to put up with crap just so a man can make himself feel better by putting her down.

By "more effort" he means "more blow jobs" of course

Grim

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I think at the moment I'm just really shocked. I've never had a partner be like this either. I've never had anyone not be happy that I'm happy with myself and my life.. and yes... I feel very unappreciated that the fact I'm putting most of my energy and money into our daughter instead of clothes and nails does not make me more beautiful in his eyes. AND... I AM still taking care of myself and looking OK/fine/nice. I never wear tracksuit bottoms or have greasy hair or anything! I want to be so angry with him but that will just make things worse. I do feel incredibly angry though.

So I'm assuming he looks exactly like Jessie Pavelka???
Yeah... thought not!
I think the words 'Fuck-off you insulting little shit' should just about cover most things he says to you.

If he's unhappy, he should end it & stop being a twat. Seems pointless if both of you are unhappy

You're in the shit I'm afraid.

If he's feeling like this about your looks now, don't dare to get ill, older or feel happy without makeup otherwise he'll think even less of you.

I think AF has nailed it I'm afraid.