Apologising when it's not your fault

[Bobthebuilder123]

Does anyone else do this? Why does it happen and how can I break the cycle? It's really shit!

Today was particularly bad; a close friend was a short with me and got cross with something I did by accident (which hurt my feelings), I raised it with them and just ended up apologising for the accidental thing I'd done (a third person had asked me a question about friend which I had answered honestly without knowing friend didn't want me to)

I then proposed a coffee to smooth things over, friend said yes, but canceled 5 mins before we were due to meet. In the subsequent conversation I ended up apologising for being upset at late cancellation as well as asking again if they'd forgiven me for earlier accidental transgression.

It left me feeling rotten. How do you change this dynamic in a way that can preserve the friendship?

I think you need to work on your own confidence in yourself to avoid people-pleasing behaviour. Maybe look into some assertiveness training..

Unfortunately if you do manage to be more assertive then this may damage some friendships because they're used to you being the one who wants to appease them all the time

I think you'll find it easier not to apologise if you have already planned what else to say.

I read a rather woo thing about never saying sorry which I have been trying to implement: it involves saying thank you instead, wherever possible.

So "sorry I'm late" becomes "thank you for waiting" and by extension "I'm glad to have patient friends". The conversation begins with a positive and a compliment, which takes the edge off any annoyance.

It can be difficult, but it's really changed my attitude and that means I am more able to save apologies for when they're actually needed. You still use the positive statements as well, though.

It sounds in your specific case though as if you mostly end up apologising when you go seeking an apology. That isn't working for you, so you should probably consider letting it go. It's not clear whether you needed to address it, or just wanted to.

That's good advice.

I can't help but wonder if friend is punishing me for taking control of a situation yesterday and calling them out for making me feel bad. I don't know.

The first thing you mention - a third person had asked me a question about friend which I had answered honestly without knowing friend didn't want me to - actually, I think this is worthy of an apology. Not a really grovelling one, as you did it by accident, but it sounds like you have inadvertently upset her, so I don't think there's anything wrong with apologising.

To me, an apology isn't about blame as such ('this was all my fault') but just an acknowledgement that it was a shame things worked out as they did.

However, it does sound like you spent too long dwelling on the incident if you later asked again if you'd been forgiven.

I like that idea about shifting apologies to thanks

That's true Til - I think I only asked again due to the last minute coffee cancellation which was out of character.

And you may be right although it was a yes/no question about something quite insane but I take the point and I was genuinely sorry