My Mother and her obsession with my Son!!

[NoCapes]

I've just had another row with my Mum over DS1
He's her favourite grandchild, she openly admits it and doesn't try to hide it
She's always saying things to him like "why don't you come and live with me and you can have X and X and do whatever you want" and things of that nature, especially since my youngest was born, she makes little digs about how Mummy's busy with the baby so you come to Granny's etc etc - all jokingly of course
If I ask him to do anything for me in her presence she makes digs about how he's 'my little slave' and it'll get worse when this baby is born and 'the poor kid will be made to do everything' - this is generally in response to something like me asking him to pass me something not asking him to do the washing and make dinner

So to today's argument - DS1 has asthma and we go on holiday this weekend, so I want to get full inhalers from the doctor to take with us, I said in passing on Monday that I was nipping to the doctors to put a prescription in, she told me she'd done it on Friday because she had the repeat thing you get when you pick a prescription up from last time she picked one up for me (she wasn't asked to pick it up) oh ok thanks I say

So this morning she's asked me if I'd picked it up, I say no I'm going to do it today she reminds me the doctors surgery is shut half a day on Wednesday so I say "oh yeah I'll probably pick it up tomorrow then" - really not a big deal
And she went off on one, telling me I need to get my priorities straight and that DS's health just isn't important to me anymore, the prescription request wouldn't even have gone in if she hadn't have done it because I just don't care, thank god someone cares about him ... And on and on and on
I'd like to point out at this stage that DS has in-halers that he's using atm, he doesn't need this prescription I just want to take a full one away with us for peace of mind
So I've told her she's being bizarre and stopped engaging with her
Now she's calling me rude and saying she would never speak to her Mother the way I speak to her

I'm baffled

Not looking for any answers I just want to say eeeeuuuuurrrrgggghhhhhh
He's MY son, FUCK OFF!!!

Yep she's overstepping. Tell her to back off. Although she obviously loves him dearly and thinks she's being helpful so try and be tactful about it.

WOW

I guess she's worried about him being left out and feels protective of him....I guess??? But TOTALLY not on!

I would try and be honest with her about how she is reacting and if it doesn't change then maybe limit how much you see her unless her behaviour changes. You don't need her influencing your son like that, especially making him feel like he'll be left out etc.

Not on at all

People like your mother are not loving at all; her actions are all about wanting power and control.

Your relationship with your mother I would imagine has always been difficult to say the very least and now she is playing favourites with your son and thus damaging him too. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Your DS is unlikely to be aware at all that his nan is really manipulating him and trying to steal both his heart and mind from you as his mum.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

You need to raise your own too low boundaries a lot higher now with regards to your mother and keep your son well away from her as of now. Not all relatives are kind and caring and your mother is indeed very harmful to you all.

Thing is though I have a DD between DS1 and the youngest but she only really started with this nonsense since DC3 was born - maybe because he's another boy I suppose?
It's still really really odd though

Dodgy she's really not the type of person you can tell to back off and that'd be it, she'd have a tantrum about how I'm so ungrateful and she does so much for me and my children and 'that's fine I just won't see you ever' and just wouldn't speak to me
She's ridiculous like that, like a toddler when she starts

Favouritism like this should never be tolerated at all.

Your mother by making your son her favourite will damage the relationship between he and his siblings, perhaps beyond repair too, if you do not act decisively to keep you all away from her. If he is her "golden child" your other two children may well be ignored and or otherwise scapegoated.

Was a similar family dynamic played out by her when you were a child too?

You do not mention your dad in all this; where is he?.

You all need to stay away from your mother; she is very harmful to your family unit and toxic to be at all around. Her responses are typical of what such a disordered of thinking person would say.

Atilla yes she is a massive control freak! She is also the kind of person to keep score
This hit a bit of a nerve - his Nan is really manipulating him and trying to steal both his heart and mind from you as his mum - that is exactly it! She's always telling him she loves him more than me and if I tell him off or anything she's all "oh come here Nannie loves you" etc etc

I'm one of 3 and me and my brother used to joke all the time and day out other brother (the eldest) was her favourite and the golden child
It made me and DBro2 really close and yes we used to tease DBro1 about it
Interestingly after a huge family fall out my mum & dbro1 no longer speak
...hmm very similar to my family set up even down to which is her favourite

No Dad around to speak of, just my stepdad who she's been with since I was around 14, he's pretty hen pecked and just does what he can for a quiet life tbh

I've never thought of her as 'toxic' tbh, just hard work
I need to have a think about this don't I

Its not your fault your mother is like this and she could well be a narcissist in terms of overall personality. She is certainly disordered in her thinking. If this is indeed the case it is not possible to have a relationship. The grandchild favouritism is a part of her overall dysfunction and she is using him as her narcissistic supply. She really does want to win his heart and mind over you and will go out to achieve that aim.

You all need to stay away from her before she does any more emotional harm to you all. She won't like that but you really do need to raise your own boundaries here re her. That may be difficult because it may well be that she raised you to be an extension of her.

Can you start to reduce the time you all spend with her? Cut it down bit by bit. Unfortunately she's not a rational person so isn't going to listen to how you feel and alter her behaviour. It's not going to change and I'm sure the thought of it continuing, or having gotten worse, in say 5 years time is awful

NoCapes, your mother is totally crossing boundaries. She's forgotten how to be supportive. Her need for her grandson is being prioritised above her support to you. Stand your ground. She needs a stiff talking to. Do you have another family member to share this with?

Say our* not day out

And talk to your surgery so she's not allowed to request prescriptions without you asking her to do so!

Let her have her temper tantrum just like a toddler she can huff and puff and return to normal family life when she's going to behave appropriately.

Hi Nocapes

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I'm one of 3 and me and my brother used to joke all the time and day out other brother (the eldest) was her favourite and the golden child
It made me and DBro2 really close and yes we used to tease DBro1 about it
Interestingly after a huge family fall out my mum & dbro1 no longer speak
...hmm very similar to my family set up even down to which is her favourite"

Not surprised to read any of that sadly. That same dysfunctional dynamic is not being played out in your own family unit by her. Such people like your mother really do not change.

"No Dad around to speak of, just my stepdad who she's been with since I was around 14, he's pretty hen pecked and just does what he can for a quiet life tbh"

Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and he certainly fits the bill. He will not help you and cannot be at all relied upon her. He indeed acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are often either as narcissistic as they are or discarded when they are of no further use.

"I've never thought of her as 'toxic' tbh, just hard work
I need to have a think about this don't I"

She is not just hard work; she is toxic and bad news for your family unit. I would also consider reading the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and do read the book I recommended as well.

My Nan used to do this with my cousin. We all knew she was the favourite and it did drive a wedge between us as cousins as we got older, but more importantly it drove a wedge between her and her siblings and parents. As a teenager, if she ever did anything wrong off she ran to her Nan's who gave her all the validation she needed. If the parents stopped pocket money, Nan would cover it, if they grounded her, she ran off to Nan's house and did as she pleased. They had no control.

I know this seems extreme, as your's are only little, but being a favourite does no one any favours in the long run. As she's admitted he's the favourite, I would stop all contact unless she could treat all 3 fairly - I know it sounds extreme but you're future proofing your family's relationships now, which is easier than trying to fix later on.

CJ I can see exactly that scenario happening here, she already undermines me so much

I think I will start trying to back off a bit, she has got wayyyyy too involved

Interesting Attila that you say you may have been raised to be an extension of her I think I actually have, everything we do its just assumed that we will do it together, I see her most days and I'm in contact with her always, every morning she texts asking how we all are, were we on time for school etc and just carries on the questions throughout the day, she knows what we do l, where we go, who we're with, what we're eating...everything!
The only day she makes plans for herself is the one day she knows I go to playgroup, she's even started coming to the toddlers swimming class with me and does aqua aerobics in the adult pool at the same time

I just thought she was a bit lost after she retired and it gets lonely at home with a baby all day so I went along with it but this definitely needs to stop doesn't it

I'm going to look for that book

Seriously, seriously - tell her in no uncertain terms that you are considering stopping seeing her.

You will not have anyone play favourites.

You will not be undermied in your parenting

You will not have her speak the way she does to your DS, trying to undermine his relationship with his own mother and siblings.

Be clear to her that this is what you see happening - and the reason you won't allow it is because a grandma that does this is actually not a good loving grandma, but a manipulator. Make it quite clear that when you see these things happening, you DON'T see a loving granny maybe going a bit overboard, or being happy to help out, or maybe just having a soft spot for her oldest grandchild - you see something very destructive and very negative for your son.

Her reply will be 'You are wring/that's nonsense/blah blah'

YOUR reply to that should be 'He's my son. Therefore what I say, what I think, GOES.'

The strength of these replies are making me think I probably should've done this a long time ago and I've underplayed this seriousness of it for too long 😕

This is low key emotional abuse towards both you and your son. You need to limit contact with her unless she sorts out her behaviour. Maybe demand family counselling if you have the time.

Omg my relationship with my mother was like this and we ended up falling out nuclear style. Nip it in the bud.

NoCapes,

Do not ever undertake any family counselling with your mother. It will not go at all well!!!.

Counselling for yourself and certainly not with her present is something that you should seriously consider. You need to find a therapist that has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment and someone also with knowledge of narcissistic family structures.

You need to protect yourselves from such malign influences. You've seen similar dynamics being played out in your family of origin and you can see there that your eldest brother (who was the golden child) no longer speaks to your mother.