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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH and EXGf

14 replies

hophop2017 · 12/09/2017 23:31

If you find out your OH rang his ex girlfriend (was with her 5 years from 16 - 21) is now 28 but had been with you since he was 25, would you be pissed off?

Just for context, it was a night out with his friends, he was drunk. Next day he asked me to call his mum through his car and her calls showed up on the in car recently dialled system. 2 calls, one lasting 10 minutes, another lasting 3. I am so angry and upset, especially as I have no idea what they would have discussed. He doesn't know I know yet.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2017 23:51

I certainly wouldn't be happy about it. Being drunk brings out urges and desires you can stifle when sober. I would be wondering where his affection really lies.

Original poster
hophop2017 · 12/09/2017 23:56

I'm laying out on the sofa in tears, he thinks I'm out here because I can't sleep and I can hear him snoring away upstairs. I want to confront him and find out what the hell is going on but I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and we've just moved into our new home together 3 months ago with a shared mortgage so I'm scared of disrupting the peace in case he says something I won't like Sad bloody MEN

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2017 00:09

Would you call her to ask? And I'm not saying to call her and rage like a lunatic, but to calmly and respectfully ask if something is going on between them. I actually can't believe I'm suggesting this because normally I would say NEVER do such a thing, but for some reason I'm thinking it might be helpful if for nothing else than to gauge her reaction. I fear anything he says will be just a bunch of rubbish. Hell, I don't know. This is just a shit situation. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
hophop2017 · 13/09/2017 06:48

@Aquamarine1029 I don't know her, they met at school and we met at work sonour paths have never crossed I just know who she is through social media, etc. I know she has been single since they split though.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 13/09/2017 06:53

Why did they split up?

She's obviously a big part of his childhood/becoming an adult and may just miss her as a friend. As is the case with my first long term bf.

Original poster
hophop2017 · 13/09/2017 07:23

@Cricrichan I think they just outgrew each other from what he says, but I know they kept in contact over the years between breaking up with her and then starting a relationship with me (i.e, talking and meeting up still). Just for context, I had a boyfriend from 15 - 19 and then was single until I got with my OH at 23 and we don't speak at all, he is my past and I would never think to call him up on a night out when I've been drinking. I really want to ask him but I really don't want the row at this moment in time.

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 13/09/2017 07:30

Do you know if they talk on social media etc? Or was this phone call the first time they had potentially spoken for a while?
My DP is really close with his ex who he was with for 2 years but he's also close to her new husband too. He talks to them a lot but he's made it crystal clear to me that he has zero feelings for her and hasn't for a very long time, he sees her more as a sister now.
The fact your DP phoned the ex when he was drunk is a bit weird though. I would definitely do some digging work as he'll only make out you're being crazy and paranoid if you confront him now

Cricrichan · 13/09/2017 08:13

It's hard to know which it is. I went through so much with my ex, university, new career, moving countries and have lots of joint friends together. He was such a good friend too and I miss that. We split up because towards the last few years he felt more like a brother. Still care for him and find him funny etc but only keep in touch through social media (not messaging).

LineysRunner · 13/09/2017 08:19

They've been split up for what, 7 years? And he's just about to become a father. Maybe he just wanted to tell her, as an old friend who once played a big part in his life.

Good luck with the birth, and talk to him about your worries.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/09/2017 08:23

Wake him up and ask? Dont suffer like this especially in your condition.

Ban future drunken calls! Or secretly block her number Blush

Changedname3456 · 13/09/2017 08:28

"he is my past and I would never think to call him up on a night out when I've been drinking"

But this is some of the problem. You wouldn't dream of calling your ex but that's the approach you feel comfortable with. That doesn't make it the wrong thing for another person to have done. Unless you've said something about it to him before then he's not necessarily out of line in calling her.

(Though I'll admit, I wouldn't like it if my DP had called one of her exes out of the blue and late at night and would also probably want to know why her behaviour had changed).

gandalfspants · 13/09/2017 08:37

I would ask him. 'Did you have an nice chat with x on y night, or did she think you were a drunken fool?'

I can see with her being such a massive part of his formative years he might get the urge to tell her how excited he is about the baby or something. Plus enough drink that the 'bad idea' warning light stops working?

It could also be bad, I think you'll be able to tell by his reaction if your relationship is generally good.

CamperVamp · 13/09/2017 08:58

Both DH and I are friends with several ex partners, keep in touch, catch up, etc... contact them to ask for other people's contact details, lots of things.

Just ask him about it.

meowimacat · 13/09/2017 09:35

Ask him. You need to be open and honest. Whether you'll get the same back I don't know. Tbh I find a lot of people panic at the thought of becoming parents and start thinking of easier times - maybe that's why he thought of her. You need to see if they are friends on social media etc. as maybe they've been in contact more than you know

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