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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my marriage - will I be allowed to move away?

10 replies

CrankyTheCrane · 12/09/2017 19:02

I'm currently attempting to leave my marriage. Dh has never been violent to either me or the dc's but there has been an awful lot of emotional abuse.

Dh is a high earner and is out of the house 16 hours a day Mon-Fri. He is often abroad during the week so only contact with dc's is at weekend. I am incredibly isolated where I live and when I leave I want to move back to be near my dsis and parents nearly 300 miles away.

I can't see a solicitor/ lawyer yet. I don't want dh to know what I'm doing until I'm absolutely ready to do it. All I need to know is will he legally be allowed to stop me going with dc's? I'm not going to try and stop contact or anything like that. I just really need to have some support around me and that is where my support is.

OP posts:
Bathsheba1878 · 12/09/2017 20:04

You're in a tricky situation here. I moved nearly 200 miles away when I split with my ex and he did everything he could to prevent me. It went to Court and took months but ultimately I was allowed to go because it was still within the Uk and I could prove that my DS would be well accommodated and educated in his new home. Furthermore I had to demonstrate how I would ensure my son would remain in regular contact with his father and would still see him regularly. Basically your ex can apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to try to stop you going but he probably won't succeed. It may be a long ( and potentially expensive) battle though. A solicitor would be able to give you far better advice than I can but based on my limited experience I think you'll be OK. You've clearly got sound reasons for wanting to move and there's no malice intended towards your ex husband or intention to cut him out of your child's life. I wish you all the luck in the world. Xx

Phillipa12 · 12/09/2017 20:16

My exh did consult a solicitor about me moving with dc 250 miles from the family home when we seperated, he was also a high earner and worked long hours away from home in the week. Basically as long as you are moving to be close to family for support, like i was there is nothing he can do, this is what his solicitor told him. However the dc do visit there dad everyother weekend which obviously he wanted and they enjoy and we meet halfway for handovers, but it is a lot of driving and very tiring for all involved.

Original poster
CrankyTheCrane · 12/09/2017 21:06

Thank you so much, that's really reassuring.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/09/2017 21:23

He could apply for a prohibitive steps order.

As he is abusive I would absolutely consider a midnight flit to your parents. Speak to Woman's Aid they are the experts.

QuiteLikely5 · 12/09/2017 21:27

As he is not even home most of the time no judge would order you to remain.

Good luck lady Smile you can do this

Original poster
CrankyTheCrane · 12/09/2017 21:30

Thank you. I'm trying very hard to squirrel money away. I'm fairly certain he's tracking me somehow as he always knows exactly where I've been so can't really see solicitor until I've gone. My dm wil be be supportive be I think will be very shocked.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/09/2017 21:53

He could have a key logger on laptop etc, could be tracking your phone, could have spyware...

Bathsheba1878 · 12/09/2017 22:28

Doing a flit is an option but check with a solicitor first. I seriously thought about doing it but my solicitor said that a judge might order me and DS back because we still had a home we could return to. Also it doesn't make you look good in the eyes of the court - and you need to appear to be a responsible parent ( which you are of course, but your husband may try to discredit you). Anyway, all of this is worst case scenario. Your husband may see sense and just agree to let you go provided he still gets to see the DCs. Really hope it works out for you.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 12/09/2017 23:54

Do it. Don't hesitate - the right support for you is the right support for the child. Any decent father will see that.

I agonised over similar years ago, and hung around in the same city for years with zero support and zero life because I didn't want to cause upset to DS father. Eventually I left to be nearer family and Ex was horrible about it and continues to be bitter. But I have no regrets at all, I was able to piece my life and our sons life back together, get on a more stable footing, and regain my mental stability. Ex gets loads of sympathy from his family and friends but the reality was he is angry and rubbish, doesn't do any parenting and is all about his own entitlement.

So don't do that, if he was ea he's selfish and don't neglect what you really need to be able to support your children.

RandomMess · 13/09/2017 06:33

If you leave and go to a refuge near your family it is highly unlikely you will be ordered back.

Clearly there is financial abuse and control if he is tracking you somehow.

Please speak to WA asap.

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