Adult male twins and upcoming birthday

[NOMOREoatcakesandcheese]

Hi I hoping for some mumsnet wisdom and perspective on this issue.
My dh is a non identical twin with a birthday coming up v soon I got a text today from his twin brothers wife inviting us to spend the birthday weekend with them, as her DH would like to spend his birthday with his brother. I don't want to do this and want to spend time with my DH on his birthday and not with his brother and wife. My BIL is a racist bigot and a controlling bully - he has sulks and has tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. He make comments about what I eat because I don't like some of the foods he likes. He has an obsession with his twin brother to the exclusion of everyone else - maybe it's a twin thing but my DH hasn't got this - he insists on sitting next to my DH in the car and he often ignores me and make meals and drinks for his brother and not me until I remind him that I'm there too.

I find staying with BIL and SIL very stressful and I sleep badly, so the thought of spending the birthday weekend together is very offputting - we used to do something together at their birthdays and I just felt pushed out by BIL and couldn't spend time celebrating my DH's birthday together as his wife. I think BIL would rather his brother was there just for him and I wasn't there.

This probably sounds petulant and childish and maybe I'm being mean. When I mentioned the invite to my DH and he said he's not bothered either way. So, what should I do? Help me think of a way to get us out of this birthday weekend. We have got a social activity we're going to in our local pub on the Sunday evening of the birthday weekend, we would be back home then from the weekend. We've also got something on the following weekend - so can't put it off a week so that I can I can take DH out for a meal on his birthday

I'd book a hotel somewhere and say that you've planned a surprise for him so you're sorry but you can't make it.

That's a good idea Angelfish but knowing them, they'd want to join us there

Say you have been shopping at Anne Summers for his gifts and they won't!!

It would be more helpful if your husband was a bit more of a feeling about he wanted.

The BIL sounds like he doesn't see much of his twin on his own, is that right?

With regard to the weekend, I would text back, thank you for inviting us over but we have other plans. Short and sweet.

Be assertive about thwarting any responses about joining you on those plans. Would they really push it? If you have to say you are going to have a romantic weekend together, will have to meet up another time.

Thanks nonmore and Seacabbage. I'll think up a plan. No the brother don't see each other much on their own unless sil and I go out and leave them together. My DH does really show much inclination to see his brother. They used to go on holiday with us until we got a camper van.
Yes I probably need to be more assertive with them

Sent too soon
I don't want to hurt people, but then the only person feeling upset is me if I do nothing.

Doesn't show much inclination - not does!!

Can't your husband see his brother by himself on Saturday, and return on Sunday ?

Non-identical twins so really more like brothers. Sounds like BIL has a needy gene. Make your own plans for you and DH and tell SIL plainly that you're celebrating his birthday just the two of you. You don't have to give any reason.

Yea I'd say sorry we've already made plans. But then your hubby could say to his brother let's meet the two of us on such a date to go fishing or whatever they do.
I don't understand why the wives have to be involved at all.

I'd go for a nice simple, oh I'm sorry DH and I already have plans for his birthday weekend. Nice little treat just the 2 if us. Hope you and bil have a lovely time too.

Not lying, not being creative or mean. Just factual you have plans and will be spending it just the 2 of you.

Doesn't allow for her to say oh we will join you etc as you haven't specified what or where or when etc. But have been clear there are plans and it's just for you 2!

Be strong. If your dh is happy to not go no point you having a rubbish weekend for no benefit to you or him.

Your BIL sounds horrific. Make plans and make it clear it is only for you and your husband.

Does your dp know about the invite? Does he olso know you don't really feel comfortable with his brother? If so, ask him what he'd like to do. If he wants to spend it with his brother then you can choose another date to celebrate his birthday together so he gets the benefit of a couple of special days to him rather than just one. Plus it then reinforces that he's free to have a relationship with his brother independently of you.

Hi thanks for all your replies I'm thinking about what you've said. We are about 60 miles from Bil and sil - so it's not like the brothers can just meet up for a day.
I find Bil possessiveness and obsession with his twin brother upsetting,jan example is that when he first met me he wouldn't even look at me or talk to me and he pretended to have a cold - not true. My DH knows what a Pratt he is and how much he can upset me but it's his brother and he says he's a bit gauche. When BIl shouted at me once he told him to apologise to me.

I'll do nothing for a few days while I thinkt

We are about 60 miles from Bil and sil - so it's not like the brothers can just meet up for a day.

I don't understand why not unless neither of them drives?

Notthefordtype more like 80 miles. But the point is that they don't meet up except I'd they or us go for the weekend I might suggest it to my DH though

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that DH should go and you celebrate with him another time.

You don't have anything special planned and it sounds like you would have a miserable time if you go with him so why can't the birthday boy get the best of both options? Gets to see his brother (non identical twins even though they are brothers probably have spent a LOT of time together and been close through childhood) and then celebrate with his wife too.

I think it's sad that he doesn't see his brother more just because you two clash.

I think you are making your DH's birthday - which he shares with his twin brother - about you, and about what you want/don't want. Let them share their birthday and then you can do something afterwards.

The fact that YOU do not like your BIL is not the point. It isn't your birthday. Your DH clearly does like him.

I think it's sad that he doesn't see his brother more just because you two clash.
Doublemint that's a bit of an assumption you're making there. We all see each other at least every two months despite my issues with BIL and I take a back seat to let DH spend time with his bother.

I will suggest to DH that he spends time over his birthday with his bro as like you and Haffiana both say, "it isn't about me"

I have a non identical twin and we are similar (v similar values and views) but v different as well. I missed her when we lived further apart and I'm not convinced her dh really likes me but we rub along and we all make a bit of an effort. I would never slag her dh off to her.
We don't always spend our bday together but make a bit of an effort. We gave each other lunch as our present.
There is no sibling relationship like it. I'm sure I annoy her sometimes and vice versa. I suspect I give her more allowances than I would ever give a friend or another sibling. Our shared values help and I think I probably would struggle if that wasn't there but tbh our shared history helps more.

I think that's a good decision. I think this is one of those situations where you can distance yourself from your BIL and encourage your H to see his brother on his own. That's a win for you and a win for your BIL.

I suppose the only downside is that you are also isolating yourself from your SIL, but I guess you could see her independently if you want to. 60 miles is what, about an hour's drive? That's doable for a day/lunch.

Non-identical twins so really more like brothers.

What on earth is that supposed to mean??

They may be non-identical in a test tube but to all intents and purposes they're twins, born on the same day from their mothers womb, where they spent their full gestation together. So twins. And all that that means.

My guess is your DH's laissez faire attitude toward his twin is making his twin feel insecure and the needy one. It's probably always been like that: DH not fussed, BIL chasing. Bit miserable for BIL tbh.

Who'd be a twin uncouple me now

Springydaffs true! My DH did better at school and career wise and has achieved more in his life than his twin so there's always a underlying sense of inadequacy they Bil makes up for with bluster and pontification

Can you just book a meal out at one of those 'strange food' places you know BIL won't like? So they can't join you anyway (40 miles in the opposite direction)

My dp is an identical twin. His brother always wants to spend birthdays together my dp not so fussed. We meet up on the actual day with him and his family and arrange something for us to do at a later date.
(This might be because the date is near Christmas so combined it all in one for me 😉)