Do I contact his parents?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Quite important one I need advice for. Just a bit of background info.

I have a daughter who is under 3. Her father has never been involved from the start. We only dated for 4 months so I can sort of understand why he didn't want to be involved despite saying he wanted children when we first met. We are both 40 so he isn't exactly a child. I went on to have my daughter and we have a lovely life together. I have never asked for any money from him, I provide for everything myself, work and have my own property which I bought this year.

The last time we had any contact is why I notified him of my daughters birth (he asked for me to do this) but never even responded to say thank you.

I have never wanted any contact with him. As far as I'm concerned he is a complete waste of space. He is now living in another part of the world far, far away which is good for all of us. Just to make it clear though, I never stopped his seeing his child. It was his decision.

Recently I found out my daughter has a heart murmur. This is not a serious condition and is one lots of children have and grow out of. However it prompted me to try and get hold of his family health history. Something I have never had. I know he has a history of mental health problems, mainly anxiety but I have no other information.

I got a family member to send him an email asking for this information, it was very professional and unemotional just asking for these details. We put a read receipt on and he hasn't opened the email. His history is to tend to ignore things and bury his head in the sand. So he may just ignore the message. We put in the subject box confidential info so he knows it's not spam.

I want to give him 2 weeks or so to open the message and respond.

If he doesn't then I'm wondering if I should contact his parents. This will protentially open a whole massive can of worms...I'm not even sure if they know about the baby. My greatest concern is if they apply for a court order to spend time/have weekend with my daughter which will break my heart as these are strangers to her.

Her health is so important to me. But also I don't want her going to stay with these people - help! What would you do in my position? x

I wouldn't contact his parents for the reason you've said but also because it's very unlikely that you'll find anything of interest/concern (e.g. inherited conditions) in his family health history.

That is if they even give it to you.

You sound like you're doing a great job with your daughter and I hope she gets better soon.

Have you been asked by medical professionals to get that health information?

He may well have changed email address over the years, so finding some other way to reach him would be sensible assuming you really do need the information.

I'd say contacting his parents should be a last resort.

That's what I think to. Is it worth involving them and dragging up the past? I want to avoid this at all costs. She is a very well adjusted, happy and most importantly stable little girl. I worry he and his family will mess up all my hard work.

I was asked by medical professionals ages ago when I was pregnant for her records. I never had this then. So I just put what I knew. I think if the email address was closed down surely I would get a bounce back message.

Did you meet them? What were they like? Is it possible they will bring more love and joy to your daughters life?

I work in family law there's no way a judge would just order overnights with strangers and sadly grandparents have very little rights so I wouldn't worry about that

I think you need to decide whether any information they provide you is going to be useful. If anything else is going to happen in the future, unfortunately it will happen (I hope it doesn't by the way).

If she is settled and you are unsure if they even know about your daughter then I would leave it.

No I never met them, only his brother and their family. Both his parents are psychologists, I fear the reason he has mental health issues is partly due to the way he was brought up. So in answer to your question - no I don't think so. If anything I think they could quite possibly mess her head up.

I think my decision is made - I'm going to leave it. Like you say the family health history probably wouldn't ever help that much anyway.

I think you should call him and ask for the information. Make it clear that you want nothing else, but if he doesn't provide it you will contact his family.

I wouldn't. It could be asking for trouble. I was in a similar situation a few years ago after I had my first child. I contacted my son's dad's mother and told her her son had made me pregnant and she was a grandma. His whole family knew nothing about us and weren't interested in getting to know my son, so I left it and never heard from them again.

I only have an email address for him. His number will have changed when he moved country..

Thanks for your advice everyone. It has confirmed my thoughts.

If his brother is more amenable, ask him.

Adoptive dps manage with no background info. Are you having a wobble because she has no other family but you? My dc have nobody but dh and myself. . Its still a family - and a good one for you and dd by the sounds of it!! Pat yourself on the back. .
And forget about all of them. .

No I have family on my side. They live close by so I'm lucky in that respect. It was more finding out about her heart murmur. Even though it's not serious it did make me think the sensible thing to do is get her full family health history as a matter of precaution. The hospital did say it would be good to have especially if she goes on to have children of her own.

When she is 18 she can ask them herself then!!
If there is a chance gps rights are a thing in their country then no way would I risk it. .
Incidentally my dc don't see their df (for 8 years) and I know nothing of his medical history either. .

Thanks for your own experiences. I have made my decision to not take the matter further and won't be contacting them. Things are good on our own. And yes when she turns 18 she can contact him herself.

But seriously what kind of person ignores such an important message. What an awful human being he is.

'Update'

He replied, I'm quite surprised actually and very glad I did request the info from him. He has a history of heart murmurs... good to know. And his mum died a year ago of cancer. I won't divulge any details regarding that. But for those in a similar position to me, do not hesitate to getting that family health history. It's too important not to have.

I am sad my daughter never got to meet her grandmother, and also can't help feeling sad her father didn't ask about my daughter. This was an opportunity for him to get to know her and he didn't take it.

It is sad, all that he has chosen to miss out on, what a massive loss in his life. Your DD on the other hand is probably better off without the trauma and rejection and she has more than enough love in her life, you sound like you are doing an amazing job.

I'd send a polite email back thanking him for the information and wishing him all the best in the future. And draw a line under this now (I'd just see him as sperm donor from now on)

By the way, I have a heart murmur that runs in my family and we're all as fit as fiddles

As sad as it is that he didn't ask about your DD, it is not a sad as the prospect of him deciding to take an interest and then flaking out at a later date. Your daughter sounds lovely, and protecting her from a man who could blow hot and cold in her life is invaluable.

Yes I agree with you all. I'm just glad I have this info now.