Forgiving yourself and recovering relationship (no infidelity)

[PlasticBelle]

Been with OH for 12 years. Been through difficult life circumstances (close bereavements, traumatic events, work related stress) but we have a good life and have always been open and honest with each other.

Last year, we were due to marry but I was struggling with work pressures and general anxiousness and cancelled quite close to the day. He was supportive but I quickly fell into a depression and anxious state that left me questioning everything in my life - I was in a deeply unhappy place for several months - during which time I was emotionally unavailable to him and probably quite cold and mean. He was patient but I know I hurt him with how I acted and the things I said (questioning our relationship etc)

I received treatment and realised I desperately wanted to salvage the relationship but by this stage he needed a lot of convincing as I'd left him feeling so hurt.

I feel so sad that I behaved the way I did. I was in a very painful place and didn't have the knowledge to get help and focussed on our relationship as being my problem.

We have been working on things and i am very happy and he says he is also very happy things have worked out but I can't help the sadness I feel about the events of last year and fear he can never fully forgive me for making him feel so inadequate.

The guilt really eats away at me and I now feel unsure and worried in our relationship - I worry he'll never trust me and love me the way he used to. I didn't mean to hurt him, he is a lovely man and I don't feel I even deserve his forgiveness. I wish I could return to last year and change the course of events but I can't and it saddens me.

I don't know what I'm posting for - I thought it might feel better to get it off my chest and wonder if I'm the only person to have made such a mistake and behaved so badly? Do people work things like this out and manage to form successful relationships? The irony is I am now more ready than ever to marry and would love to start a family in the next few years - I could have been on that path but fucked things up so royally.

My sister likened how I feel to the regret she feels about her post natal depression and how she wishes she could re-do those months with her twins and DH which gives me some comfort but doesn't alleviate the fear I have that my OH will never truly forgive me and love me the same again after I was so cruel.

Any advice welcome - I would really appreciate it

Anyone

Right now, I think its important that you figure out how to forgive yourself. To me, it sounds like you are still beating yourself up, but that he is ready to move on.

Relationships that go the distance, that last for 20 or 30 years, go through difficult things. People take each other for granted, let each other down, make mistakes, fail at something, and so on. The difference between a good relationship and a bad one isn't whether or not these things happen, but what the couple is able to do with the experience. If they are able to grow together and use it like soil to grow in.

Do you know what fertilizer is made out of? Shit. (Often cow shit). Shit is nasty icky and no body wants it around, but it helps things grow.

The question is how to take the shitty things we go through and use them to make our relationships stronger.

There is a really good book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Bene Brown. It's about shame, and how it gets in the way of our happiness. You might check it out and see if it is helpful to you.