Addictions

[ladyofourmadhouse]

Thoughts on addictions please, do you think it's an illness? And would you ever be able to move on and forgive your dp?
I'm separated from H, but we're going to see how things go. Some days I'm fine and we get on reasonably well all things considered but other days I can't stomach the sight of him.
We have 3 dc and been together 13 years, married for 10.

It all depends. Smoking is an addiction. So is alcohol. My father was an alcoholic, and it destroyed his life (literally) and my relationship with him.

When people claim to be addicted to sex, I go 🤷🏻‍♀️...

It was cocaine, which led to a porn addiction. All his savings have gone. Thankfully I had a separate bank account.

Some can forgive and move on and be happy. But it depends on your willingness to forgive forget and support and his willingness to give up the thing he's addicted to and always be open and honest.

My father was a high functioning addict for years before mum found out. She chose to stick by him and he hasn't touched anything in several decades. He chose to get help and put his family before his addiction.

I was once with a cocaine addict, not that he'd admit it. Same with porn, so much porn, several times a day and night. Do all these men have some sort of manual because they're all so similar.
Is he actively, and not just putting it on, getting help and support? There is help for addiction out there. Cocaine and other drugs can cause people to become very selfish, will lie and manipulate.
Before anything can change he needs to address his addiction and want to change. Otherwise it'll just be a perpetual cycle. It's shit, I know. I wish I could tell you my situation had a happy ending but it didn't.

Wishing you all the best.

I think I'm afraid it will be something I'm always paranoid about. There have been a couple of occasions when i think he's been taking drugs recently but he has flat out denied it.
The only way he'd admit things previously was if I had solid proof, i.e. Internet history, rolled up notes etc.
He would lie until he was blue in the face unless I had concrete evidence.

Verbalkint he says he doesn't need help he can beat it on his own. He just needs my support. But I grew tired of supporting him and being lied to.

What is it with cocaine and porn? He'd watch it for hours on end while I slept. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Sounds like it will be very difficult for you to trust him again if he's still refusing to be absolutely open and honest. It's one thing to stick by and support someone who is genuine in their remorse and not just willing but wanting to change and working bloody hard at it. It's completely another to say forgive them yet they stay abusing the substance and your trust.

Addictive people will replace one with another and may return to the first addiction.

I have had various addiction issues, they have been socially acceptable though. I wanted to pass GCSE maths so I focused my addictive personality onto practicing. I wanted to learn about gardening, I devoted myself to that. Nobody told me what to focus on, it was a choice.

For me - the only way to trust a drug addict is to have him 'pee in the cup' - and weekly.
There is no TRUST with an addict.

And if he is serious about doing all it takes to be able to stay - he needs to do literally all it takes. All you want him to do.

Does porn bother you as a concept? Or does it affect your sex life with him?

Josuk it never bothered me because he'd occasionally watch it when we first got together. I didn't mind.
But then it got more frequent, hours on end,!he would save images to his phone, then he started calling the chat lines, at one point I found 12 different numbers saved in his phone. Then it went on to me finding out he had a flirt finder profile( this was years ago)
This is what I found proof of, god knows what else he's been up to.
This was when it was at its worst.
I moved on and forgave him but since then there's been a handful of times where he's been taking the drugs again and when I find out he's vowed to stop.
I love him and he's perfect when he's not been taking the drugs but I'm so torn.

He is not perfect. Can't be. He used all his savings on his addiction. He didn't put his family first. Still doesn't.

But, unfortunately - because you love him - you forgive and enable his behaviour.
It's easy to believe that 'the drugs make him do it'. This way your mind can allow yourself to believe that it's OK to love and forgive.

And as to him - he knows/thinks/believes that you'll most likely forgive him again.

While I am the first one to say - a little porn is OK and doesn't have to hurt the relationship.
But what you describe is NOT a little porn used for additional release.
Chat lines and Flirt Finder
Drugs didn't 'make him do it' - he did it all on his own.
It gives him a thrill. And that's unlikely to just go away.
Unless he truly tries and proves it to you.

Josuk hate to admit but you are making total sense. Before the cocaine addiction he really was everything I wanted and needed. He was my ideal man. But then he started going out more, and it just spiralled from there.
Re the flirtfinder, he actually didn't admit that for 3 years, he'd always say his mate was using it on his phone. Deep down I knew he was lying but I wanted to move on from it.

Shall I just walk away?

I think, sadly, that often the phrase "move on from it", or the concept of "moving on" actually means brushing it aside and making whatever it was "livable with", so you can rationalize it, package it up and then ignore it, because it's too painful. I really feel for you x

It's odd. I can go days without thinking about it, he'll come and see the kids, sometimes stay for dinner and we can get on great but when I do think about it, I get very angry with him, and it hurts thinking about everything he's done to me.

No I couldn't move on from that.

My dd had a drug addiction. Sometimes I used to wish it was DH, so I could walk away and never look back. I couldn't walk away from my dd.

You don't trust him and given what you've written about his character, you can never trust him. If you can accept the lies, if you can accept his contempt for you and if you can find a way to live in the wreckage of your hopes and dreams then maybe.

His addictions will always be his mistresses, if you don't want third or more parties involved in your relationship then it's time to walk away.

He's coming over after work to see kids, maybe we do need to have a chat.

He's not trustworthy and sounds an absolute nightmare; more like having to mother and police him, you deserve so much more than that.

Sorry but you would be mad to give him another chance, he doesn't even sound remorseful.

He's a liar, a cheat and a drug addict, what's to try again for?

Had the talk last night.
Told him if he can't/isn't willing to be truthful and doesn't respect me then we are done.

He got up and left without a word, not heard from him all day even though it was his day to pick up boys from school. So I turned up and he was already there. Completely blanked me, until I asked what time he will have them home by.
He dropped them off at 6.30 then I get a text with just 'sorry'. He's a total mindfuck and I just don't get him.

OP - while it looks confusing to you, it's actually quite clear. Sadly.

He doesn't want to change.
He managed to get away with being this way - giving you part truths and explaining/covering his behaviour.
And that is what he wants.

When you tell him that he needs to actually mean what he says - that takes effort on his part. And he doesn't want to do it.
Also, quite possibly, he is just waiting for you to miss him enough to go back to the way it's been.
Him - living the way he wants, you letting him.

It's tough. When the person you loved changed on you. The memory of that love is powerful.
Unfortunately - that person is no longer there.
🙁

He's not been there for a long time. I knew that deep down but I wanted my happily ever after.
I practically raised my boys on my own, even though H was still around. He'd stay awake all night, sleep for a couple of hours, go to work then sleep until I went to bed.

I think i miss the person he was. I just need to keep reminding myself that he's not that man anymore