17 years of an increasingly angry husband

[Tessie56]

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and hope you can all offer me some advice. I've been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage kids. My husband has always been tricky, but over the last few years, he's become more and more angry.

I put it down to him feeling like he has a lack of control at home. The kids are no longer babies and he can no longer tell them what to do. The problem is that he doesn't approach them in the right way. Rather than trying to have a dialogue with them, he just goes straight in with "you should respect me" and "I pay all the bills". The second of these isn't true because I work part time and put most of my earnings into the joint account, which he never seems to value.

His anger has become repetitive and exhausting. I see other couples chatting about their day and being able to discuss issues with the kids in a calm manner. When I try to do the same, he gets defensive and turns it all back on me, even if I'm trying my absolute hardest not to offend. I've been called an idiot and I've lost track of the eye rolling and hard stares when I say anything he views as wrong.

I've had counselling for this and have learned that I can't change his behaviour. I can only change how I react to it. That's all very well, but I'm wondering what damage is being done to the kids in terms of their relationship with their dad and also in terms of what they'll expect from their future relationships. If we stay together, will they even want to come back and visit us when they're older?

I actually want to leave but there are a few things stopping me. Firstly, how much it will hurt everyone - kids, extended family etc. My brother has serious mental health issues and my parents are consumed with worry. I really don't want to add to that.

Secondly, I can't afford to go. I only work part time and that job is about to become redundant. I also know that, with his personality type, he would make it extremely difficult to negotiate any kind of divorce. He would punish me financially if he could. He's done it while we've been married.

Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Mental abuse is so hidden and I've only spoken to professionals about it. I'm too embarassed to speak to friends/family. It makes me sound weak and pathetic, but I just don't know what to do. Please help!

The abuse is about his power and that's why he won't change since he doesn't value mutuality or equality in a relationship.

Why don't you chat to a solicitor to see what finances might be.Starting point is 50:50 including his pension.If you have the dc it could be more.Its generally about the needs of the children.

I had similar is my marriage which ended a year ago.My ex never apologised however.He is making the divirce awful but I know it's the right thing. My ex even had counselling but it made it worse as it reinforced the victim mentality.

His mother was/is very similar and I feel I have to break the cycle and teach my dc it is not acceptable.When I met ex He was determined not to be like his mum but perhaps genetics play a stronger part than we realise so hard wired and not possible to change.

It's great to hear you have a plan Tessie. Please keep posting here, everyone is rooting for you and your children.

Thank you so much.

Yep OP just like me - the long school runs at both ends of the day which I did until they both finished school. Rather limits employment opportunities, but of course this isn't recognised/taken into consideration, I was just accused of being lazy/not wanting to contribute! Sorry to post again - but your story is so so similar. I fear that I am older and less qualified than you though. Hey ho, I will get through and I wish you all the very best too.

Looks like really good advice on here. Can I also suggest you pay a visit to the Citizens Advice? They can help you go over all the benefits/financial help you are entitled to and also give you a general idea of your legal rights.

user1493059174 I'm happy to keep chatting if you would find it helpful. I've sent you a private message on here.

Thanks Goldspot - I will certainly speak to them.

I feel more empowered already!

Tessie - interested to see how this turned out? Sounds similar to my situation in many ways.

What Velvian said but do this really discreetly so you don't tip your hand sooner than you'd like and yes absolutely to looking for a better full time job (ideally getting your redundancy payment first?)

Do you have your own bank account? If not then open one (maybe with a different bank group from his/the joint account bank group) and have your salary paid into it - transferring the shared costs money into the joint account.

Cut back on some of the housework to conserve your mental and physical energy for a full time job. If your children are teens they can help more. Tell/show them what to do to help themselves and you. (Cleaning? Laundry? Ironing? Some of their own meal prep?)

No need to go into your plans with wider family - as that may well cause a leak regarding your future plans. But yes, do say that things are sometimes difficult at home as your husband is unwilling or unable to see that his children are growing up and have minds of their own.

Do keep writing on here as your safe place to vent (clear your browsing history/log out of MN when not in use, ensure your email account is properly passworded). Continue with the 1:1 counselling as this is another healthy avenue to speak to someone neutral and professional in real life.

Talk to Citizens Advice also about what your options would be. Could you see a solicitor to get a legal perspective on your future options?

You need to tell him that you want to divorce him. It MIGHT make him see sense, but I doubt it.
I'm not sure I'd do this as his behaviour, once he realises your plans, may just get worse (and he may start hiding funds).

Good luck OP. 🌹

OP have you thought of remote PA work? In addition to not instead of, what you do now? Might help if you can't get full-time.

All difficult men eventually have to negotiate in a divorce and he will be no exception.

I could have written this. I love my husband but I’m scared he will literally drain the life out of me by the time we’re living alone. He is a black cloud over literally everything we do as a family, and I’m so exhausted by the relentless interrogations of why I would think to do something in a certain way, or why the children can’t just do exactly what they’re told, or why I undermine him by not backing him up. I hate to think that it’s abuse, but it does feel like that sometimes. I hope you get out, I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave or strong enough.

It's abuse. Think about it from the other side

Treezylover

I hate to think that it’s abuse, but it does feel like that sometimes.
I hope you get out, I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave or strong enough.
You have already recognised his behaviour for what it is, but hoping you are wrong. That is your first small step out from under the black cloud over literally everything we do as a family.

Don't let fear keep you trapped if you don't want to be in this situation or you will be afraid a long time. 🌹