I've namechanged because I'm so confused and I don't want to be outed IRL.
I have been "friends" with this guy for near on 20 years. Occasionally had a FWB arrangement in between relationships.
About 5 years ago I was heartbroken over a breakup. And "friend" was a shoulder to cry on.
One evening, I ended up at his and when a certain song came on the radio, I started crying uncontrollably because it reminded me of the breakup.
He was so so nice and kind. Held me, made me tea, was lovely. Then suggested that it was too late for me to go home and why don't I stay over. We were both pretty drunk and I agreed.
I slept in his bed which we'd done loads of times before.
In the middle of the night, he woke me up by kissing me. And the next thing I knew he was pulling my knickers down. I knew I didn't want to have sex with him because I was still in love with my ex. I said "no" several times but he kept saying "yes". Eventually I succumbed. And it was the best sex I've ever had. It was passionate and raw and I cannot get it out of my mind.
In the morning, we did it again. Then he gave me a lift to the station and texted me later to say sorry for finding me so irresistible. That it was the best sex he's ever had by a long way.
I accepted my responsibility for allowing it to happen and because I enjoyed it in the end, I never mentioned that I wasn't sure that I consented.
We lost touch (I stopped replying his messages) for a couple of years.
Then about a year ago we got together again and I fell in love with him. And now can't get him out of my mind, I feel like I'm going mad.
We ended it a few weeks ago. It was his decision. But he wants to remain friends.
I go from feeling hurt to angry to fucking furious then sad because I love him so much.
I need to cut him out of my life right?