Restraining Order

[user1499333856]

I need some advice and support.

My husband and I argued at the weekend. This culminated in him attacking me in the street, knocking me to the floor then taking my bag. I had to return to the apartment to get my stuff and he attacked me. This was in front of my 3 year old. Neighbours called the police and he was arrested.

I didn't press charges but this is because Of how this will impact on his employment. I am terrified and a 10 day restraining order is in place. Now what? He has denied he hit me but there I have bruises on my face and to my neck.

I live in Holland. I don't know how to move forward. How do I find a divorce solicitor? We rent and I don't have a job as of two weeks time. I'm a mess now.

I realize he has been emotionally and mentally abusing me for years. Also physically. I am just at a loss. I have an elderly mother in. UK but the relationship is stained. What should I do?

I think you should go to the doctor and get your injuries documented. Then press charges, otherwise the attack won't be recognised when it comes to child custody arrangements etc.
I'm sorry this happened to you. X

I agree with Glitterfarts. I have been through similar, although in the UK. I also was reluctant to press charges because of the impact on STBXH job prospects. I am so glad I did though. As Glitter says it has really helped me with the Child Arrangements and allowed me to move nearer to my family (300 miles but no country change), and has allowed me space from all his shit.

I am not sure how to find a divorce solicitor in the Netherlands but do they have an equivalent of Womens Aid that could help you?

OP, here is a list of organisations in the Netherlands that will provide you with advice and support. Please contact them asap - they will help you!

Thank you for the advice so far.

I am feeling very low now. His mother came and took his stuff today which was hard. We had an awkward conversation but that was it. I'm trying to focus on the kids as best I can.

I am going to the doctors tomorrow morning to get all my injuries documented. I don't know about pressing charges. It all seems so soon and raw. I think I'll contact a solicitor tomorrow.

I'd just like this day to end now. I'm broken and asking myself how much of this is down to me. I'm so lost in it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible thing but you are not alone. In Holland you have access to free legal advice via the Juridisch Loket. They are also the place you register for legal aid. You can find out more about that here:

amsterdam-mamas.nl/articles/legal-aid-netherlands

If you decide to divorce then you can find more on the process here:

amsterdam-mamas.nl/articles/how-file-divorce-netherlands-part-1

amsterdam-mamas.nl/articles/how-file-divorce-netherlands-part-2

There are also custody issues you need to be aware of if you want to leave the country with your child:

amsterdam-mamas.nl/articles/moving-children-after-divorce

At some point you will need a lawyer, here is a list for you to start with:

amsterdam-mamas.nl/articles/mamas-recommend-family-lawyers

You don't need to press charges to have the incident recorded with the police. The record is very important as it will be called upon in any divorce and/or custody issues in the future. It seems that your husband is already denying what happened so the formal record becomes even more important.

Along with your huisarts (gp) you may also want to talk to your local GGD office as they will also be able to provide support.

The Blijfgroep and AriseNL are organisations specialising in domestic violence support.

I know that this must feel like the worst time to be making decisions and you probably want it all to go away while you process what happened. Unfortunately, the restraining order is only 10 days and that is the amount of time you have to get advice and make decisions to protect yourself and your child.

For moral support, there is the Amsterdam Mamas community on Facebook. You can reach their admin team at [email protected] if you need to make a post but want to remain anonymous.

What I can tell you, to answer your last question is that absolutely none of what has happened is down to you. None of it. Zero. You did not force him, drive him, incite him or goad him into attacking you. Nothing you said or did made him do it and you must not for a second assume any accountability for his actions. When he chose the action, he chose the consequences. He always had a choice. Whether consciously or not he chose to hit you. That is unacceptable behaviour and the most compassionate thing you can do for him right now is to hold him to the consequences of his behaviour. Your first priority is to protect yourself so that you can provide the best possible environment for your child.

If you feel that a therapist/counsellor would be helpful, check with The Amsterdam Mamas Community team for recommendations in your area or contact AccessNL who have a counsellor on call.

Whatever happens I wish you luck.

You need to press charges, fuck his job he attacked you.

I have a restraining order for a year against my ex, I was advised to press charges because if I didn't it would look like I'm not protecting my dc's.

Go to the police and press charges, you need to make sure you and your dc are safe.

Sorry to hear that this has happened to you. You may have a choice to divorce in Holland or in the U.K. so ask about advantages of either and you would need to file first in the country you choose.

Would you feel happier going back to the UK? [Maybe check OK to take your children there first? I am not sure of the legalities of that.] You say your relationship with your mother is strained but even in strained relationships, people can 'come through' in a difficult situation/emergency and if you speak to her on the phone about what happened she may help you and her grandchild/ren, even if its short-term.