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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH was abused

24 replies

GeriT · 11/09/2017 21:44

I've been with DH for 10 years. He has just told me he was abused as a child(nothing more). I don't know what to say or do.

He has locked himself in the bathroom and wants to be upset. I want to be next to him.

We have been going through a very rocky patch the last 18 months but this has changed things. I just want to sit next to him.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I'm going to try and get into the bathroom.

OP posts:

AreWeThereYet000 · 11/09/2017 21:46

Not been through it, it must be difficult for the both of you

BUT

If he wants to be alone and in the bathroom I'd leave him to it, it just let him know through the door that I was there for when he wants to talk if he wants to.

We all deal with things differently, when I'm upset I want comforting and people around me, my partner on the other hand has found out some devastating news and like your partner he likes to be by himself to process his thoughts first x

Desmondo2016 · 11/09/2017 21:47

Leave him be. Be there when he's ready. He's locked himself away for a reason.

Unless of course you mean you think he's self harming then either get in there or call the police .

AufderAutobahn · 11/09/2017 21:50

Only break in if you think he's going to hurt himself. Otherwise, give him space. Crowding him won't help either of you, just be there for him when he's ready.

Original poster

GeriT · 11/09/2017 21:54

I know he would appreciate me being there. At marriage counselling it came out that he wants to be loved the way he loves me.

If that was me in there he'd have both arms around me.

I've told him..im outside ready for a hug when he wants me.

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 11/09/2017 21:55

Good. Now go downstairs and wait for him to be ready.

Cantthinkofanythinggood · 11/09/2017 22:18

Sometimes it's easier to talk when you're not face to face. Ask him if he'd rather talk now through the door or later when he's ready. Then do whichever he asks.

Isadora2007 · 11/09/2017 22:26

Just let him know you will be guided by him for what happens next- let him be in control and tell you what and when he wants. Tell him you love him and that this changes nothing about how you feel about him... and that you believe him and it was not his fault.
And maybe ask if he would consider getting in touch with your previous counsellor or if its current you can ask to be seen for an extra or extended session if you feel s/he knows you both well.

Original poster

GeriT · 11/09/2017 22:34

Because things have been rocky between us we haven't really leant on each other in a while.

I don't know?

He says he doesn't want to talk about it yet and its something he never wanted to tell me.

He was on the verge of losing me 9 months ago.God I can't even begin to imagine what he has been going through.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeriT · 11/09/2017 23:14

Right guys..im concerned he is so upset and wants to leave the house.

Im scared for his safety

OP posts:

welshmist · 11/09/2017 23:18

I had a boyfriend who was abused as a child. phew.. you have a lot to work through now. Go for a walk with him if he feels he has to get out of the house.

user1480334601 · 11/09/2017 23:20

Just tell him you love him no matter what and you're there for him when he's ready to talk. Hugs I know it's scary but telling you will be a massive step for him and he's maybe freaking out its in the open. If he knows you're there waiting for him when he's out he'll be back once he's calmed down

cherrycola2004 · 11/09/2017 23:34

Go with him? Get out the house, maybe he'll talk and walk?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 12/09/2017 00:11

I had a partner in my mid 20s (lived together for about 3 years) who was abused as a child by a male teenage cousin. Very complicated as my then DP still liked/admired his cousin and had, in part, 'enjoyed' the abuse. Ex DP had peeping tom-, transvestite- and submissive fetishes and I was way too young to support him. I left him because I found it hard to cope with his submissive and effeminate characteristics. I belive he's undergone extensive therapy since and now in his late 40s has a normal (whatever 'normal' that means ...) family life, something he always longed for.
Best of luck OP, professional help recommend.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2017 00:37

Do your best to prevent him from leaving alone. If you are seriously worried about him hurting himself, call for help. Your husband needs therapy and all the support you can provide.

Original poster

GeriT · 12/09/2017 11:52

Tough night last night. He said he wants help but isn't ready to talk to me about it, which is understandable.

We both called in sick today and are sat on the sofa watching day time television.

He has a doctors appointment at 4pm. I'm so proud of him for telling me but wish I had known when we met 10 years ago.

From a selfish perspective - I don't know, I feel like if he lets me in - we can heal some of the rift between us and one day get back to where we were.

OP posts:

Nomoresunshine · 12/09/2017 11:55

Same boat op but dh not ready to talk to anyone yet. And we have agreed not to talk about it until he has seen someone. .
Worried about speculation and mixing up real memories with maybe /could haves and trying to work out why. ..
It's hard. . .
Good luck.

coffeeslave · 12/09/2017 12:28

My recent ex had a similar experience at school. He was also on the periphery of the recent football coach historical CSA scandal and the coach being brought to trial really upset him (as it would). Unfortunately he wouldn't talk to me about it and I suspect it was part of the reason we broke up (or, he dumped me).

It's very hard. I'm glad he wants to talk about it though - my ex didn't at all.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2017 12:31

All you can do for now is be there for him.
It must be so hard for both of you though.
I hope the doctors goes OK for him later and they can get him some support.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 12/09/2017 12:31

Do you have DC?

cueless · 12/09/2017 14:16

Has he considered counselling? Some charities specialise in rape and sexual abuse and can be a great support.
It's too big to keep it just between the 2 of you. He needs professional help. Good luck

CatsMother66 · 12/09/2017 17:13

I spent 5years speaking to men who were abused in childhood, most hadn't told their partners so this is a big thing to tell you about it. Maybe he will never go into detail with you, maybe he will pour everything out to you, day after day, month after month. Some partners were able to listen, a lot became fed up with it all, in which case professional help should be sought. The men I saw were happy to divulge details as I was never shocked with what they said and had heard it before, where as they were embarrassed to tell their partners everything. If he tells you then he will be re living it and it could deeply affect his mood/actions.
As it was a sexual act, it may have been pleasurable for him and he may feel guilty for enjoying it, may worry that he was to blame, may worry about being gay, may affect his relationships with loved ones.
Tread carefully and be guided by him, he was a child and it was not his fault. There is so much to say but would not know what was applicable in his case without details.
It probably is best to be there for him at his pace and consider referring for counselling if he wants. No one judges and they've probably heard similar in the past. Stay strong yourself x

Original poster

GeriT · 12/09/2017 22:37

No DC.

He said he wanted to go stay in a hotel yesterday for a week. Thank goodness he has changed his mind.

I am happy to be patient and work it at his pace.

I am going to be strong. This will be the making of us x

OP posts:

Namethecat · 12/09/2017 23:54

If he has opened up to you about it now then maybe he is wanting to tell you but cannot find the words. When the time is right ( obviously hard to gauge and their may never be the right time ) he could tell you in a letter which you give back to him to destroy.

LurkingFather · 13/09/2017 04:57

Don't go in full of expectations. Years can pass between able to disclose and able to process. Also, you are his wife, not his therapist. Don't mix the two.

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