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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship Q!

14 replies

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 18:27

Hello!

This is going to sound pretty daft, BUT.. I'm 31 and feel like a teen dating (I was with, and married to the same chap from the age of 16-28, so have no real concept of dating as an adult). About 18 months ago, I met and started dating a chap on a well known dating site. Things went really well, and I never really asked about his past. He's always treated me really well, and put up with my craziness (things did not end well with the ex; failed IVF, cheating by him, and a degree of violence). I'm now living with this new chap, we're about three months in to it, and superficially it's very lovely! However.. I'm not sure that I can trust him.. theres no specific reason not to, and I have no evidence.. just a sense of 'why would he be interested'. This wasn't helped this weekend, by a trip to his families home. They have a wall in their house of all of the family members heights, (a lovely idea), and I happened to note that on the same day that the bf was heighted, so was someone that i share a name with. On asking him about this, he said nothing. I made it clear that I realised that this was an ex of his (clearly important enough to make the family scale).. he wasn't happy to discuss it, but invited questions (TBH, i didn't really have any), but I don't know why he wouldn't have mentioned it before? He was also pretty clear that he would never have told me, and didn't consider his history to be my business. Is he untrustworthy? What else might he be hiding? Am I thinking about this more than I should?

I just have no sphere of reference.....

Many thanks for your time...

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 11/09/2017 19:14

I'm a bit confused really, as you say he wouldn't discuss it but also invited questions.

I don't expect my boyfriends to give me chapter and verse on all exes, whatever their importance at the time. But the flip side is that none are secretive.

I can't tell from your post whether he was secretive or just didn't want to be quizzed on his ex.

MissJSays · 11/09/2017 19:26

I can kind of empathise as my DP would never tell me anything about his ex's. At the beginning this REALLY bothered me and it was almost constantly on my mind. Now, 2 and a bit years in, I realise that he is entitled to a past, just as I am. Do you think you can't trust him because he doesn't want to talk about his past? Or do you think it's more because of your last relationship? Could it be both?

Original poster

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 19:42

Hey, thanks for your reply! He was clear that he didn't want to discuss it, but said that I could ask questions. He said that he would never have voluntarily disclosed it.

OP posts:

Original poster

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 19:44

Re trust... no idea... I think that fundamentally, I don't trust my own judgement. We're also both very different, in that I'm happy to be open about my past, in terms of its better to be honest and to have the other person not like the information, than to keen things secret... he very much feels that the past is the past.

I suppose that I have no sense of what is the norm in this scenario.. I feel like a thirty year old behaving like a teen!

OP posts:

OlderGolder · 11/09/2017 19:55

I don't get it. WHy would an adult girlfriend have her height measured at his parents' house?

Surely she'd be fully grown ???

Maybe it was a sister.

Original poster

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 19:57

He confirmed that it was a gf.. some family quirk... everyone was on the list... I have zero interest in the past relationship... everyone's entitled to them...

it's more his lack of disclosure. His wish to clearly avoid the topic at all costs.

OP posts:

memememem · 11/09/2017 20:00

It doesn't sound like a trust issue to me - maybe he had some bad experiences with her that he doesn't want to discuss?

If everything else in your relationship is going well I don't think this is something to worry about as it sounds as if he just wants to move on with you - which is a good thing!

Original poster

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 20:01

Thanks for the reassurances.... it's a weird place to be!

OP posts:

TangledSlinky · 11/09/2017 20:02

I'm kinda of the train of thought that exes are exes for a reason and would much prefer to be with someone who kept their exes in the past than someone who felt the need to share every last detail of each and every relationship. At your age I'd accept and expect everyone to have a past and don't think I'd deem someone untrustworthy for not sharing details of a failed relationship unless he'd categorically said he'd never had a gf prior to you.

Brakebackcyclebot · 11/09/2017 20:05

Are you now on the height chart?

I can't say whether he's being secretive but if he said he was happy to answer questions, that suggests not. May be he just didn't know what to tell you other than she was an ex. We all have them.

Agree if no other signs or red flags, give him benefit of the doubt!

Original poster

CountryGal86 · 11/09/2017 20:11

afraid not... but equally, I wouldn't expect to be.. not just yet anyhow ;)

OP posts:

MissJSays · 11/09/2017 20:29

No I get you, I'm the same, really open! I told him everything about mine and was so surprised when he didn't want to tell me anything about his. In the end it turned out that although he'd had a few very very unserious encounters with women, there wasn't that much to tell. I remember how frustrating it was at the time though, all I wanted to do was have a nosey at their fb and measure myself up to them. It drove me mad! I wish I was one of those girls who just aren't bothered but I'm just too nosey for that. I'm over it now though, maybe give it some time? Now I know that nothing in his past came anywhere close to what we have together, so there's no need to wonder or be jealous. It must be so much harder for you as you had such a bad past experience with your exh.

Crunchymum · 11/09/2017 20:47

So an ex with same name as you? was on the wall and you (his now co-habiting partner) aren't?

That would lead me to asking how long they were together / how serious it was / how it ended?

mindutopia · 11/09/2017 21:03

I think maybe you're overthinking this. Have you ever sat down and discussed past relationships? Did you think to ask questions now when you said he invited them? To be honest, it sounds like some weird thing his family does and probably not as big a deal as you might think it is. If you haven't asked for details about his previous relationships, then I don't think you can get too upset about it. I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years and I have no idea what his girlfriends before me were called or how long he was with them (it wasn't that long, I was his first serious, long-term relationship, so honestly never been a big deal). I truly never thought to ask much about the specifics as it was in the past and I didn't think it was relevant. Just because you don't know much doesn't mean he's hiding anything. It's quite possible it wasn't someone he was especially close to who just sort of awkwardly ended up on the wall and he's a bit embarrassed by it (or his family's weird tradition). If you want to know, I would find a time to ask though.

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