My DD has just attacked me again

[greenberet]

I'm so fed up with this - every day I am getting backlash from somewhere - kids, x, im sacrificing myself for my kids and every time they don't get there own way I get abused.

Always over money every single time - My Dd is constantly asking me for money for clothes - she has just asked for £70 for some new trainers,£55 for a coat and £50 for a top - I gave her £40 for shoes a week ago - she spent the money on other clothes.

I have just had to pay for my Ds to remain at his private school - x claims he cannot afford it but this weekend he has moved his company's office to a newly refurbished building - as usual he gives the kids some bullshit about why he needed to move. Last weekend he was in Italy at the Grand Prix. I made the decision due to concerns I have over my sons mental health.

I am currently overdrawn until I get my Pip payment - every time I say no to my Dd she says she doesnt believe me. And kicks off that I've spent money on her brother - I gave her the choice to stay at the school I would have paid for her too but she didn't want this - instead she thinks she can have the money just to spend as she wants.

I'm trying to sort her stuff out that she no longer wants to put on eBay I ask her to cook tea and then I get the backlash - she is constantly on her bloody phone - always in her hand - I ask her to put this down for a couple of hours and help me - she says no and we end up fighting.

I don't want my kids here anymore - I,m sacrificing myself every day for them whilst their father fucks me around still - I just posted this morning how my Ds kicked the wall because he couldn't get his hair right. I've fucking had enough - their DF is continuing to abuse me financially - he manipulates them too - I'm trying to teach them the right way but I can't keep doing this - I'm in tears again I just want to get far away from everyone

You poor love no advice but

Sounds like very hard work OP.

Tell your DF that the kids are going to live with him .....end of....maybe they will appreciate you more if you are not around to treat you like shit...and maybe DF will appreciate you more when he realises how disgusting his kids are...I would def give yourself a break from them they sound a nightmare no one should have to put up with that behaviour....you will make yourself ill....take control back and put YOURSELF first for once....I really sympathise with your situation....take good care of yourself

Throw her bloody phone away....give her something to moan about

I don't know what to do anymore - I've just had 6 weeks of counselling through the holidays that was supposed to get me back on track but it was completely taken up with kids issues. I thought now they were back at school I would get a bit of head space to try and catch up - Ive had the divorce process hanging over my head for the last 2 .5 years and it's still not sorted - I can't get on with my life as I'm still clearing up the shit he has caused - the kids absorb his bullshit but tell me I'm the one who's lying - when I go to show them the proof they don't want to know - I had all this with my solicitors - didn't believe a word I said and screwed me over.

I don't want to do this anymore - it's already taken over the last 3.5 years - I just want to get back into bed - nobody appreciates what I'm doing why do I bother.

I tried to take her phone off her that's when she attacked me - that's the only thing I try and use as some sort of consequence for her attitude. X pays for it - his way of having some control over them - probably pays more on their phones than he does for maintenance - how can I send them to him when I know he abuses them - I didn't know my marriage was abusive until he left - his treatment of me since has been horrendous - he got away with the courts believing him - I really just want to get the hell out of here I'm so fucked off with it all - it's just one continual fuck up

How old are your children?

You could argue that if they are so badly behaved with you, that they'd be better off with him and let him have them living with him. You shouldn't sacrifice your own mental health. You would still be able to see your children and have a relationship with them, but there would be the distance so that even if they hurt you when they see you, you get some space from them.

Use things you're in control of, such as the handing over of money. Choose a budget so you don't suffer financially, and then take reductive for unwanted behaviour. Ensuring of course that her basics are separate and covered.

In what way does he abuse them....

Assault in the home is not an appropriate behaviour OP... what age are your Children ?

you need to contact Social Services .. they will help you .. please OP seek help .....

Is there a chance that if you sent them to him he would not really want them so would then do his best to stop being a pain in the arse as he really wants to get rid of them back to you.
The children would then have more respect for you as they would know if they start pulling their stunts with you you will send them back to their father.

They are 16 - he uses emotional abuse - all very subtle - you know I don't think I shouted until he left and started treating me like shit- then my anger surfaced probably repressed anger from the 20 years of marriage - and I don't feel like I've stopped shouting since. I'm trying to get on top of financials but divorce only finalised in feb and was waiting til then - I'm playing catch up all the time - I already have depression so my energy levels are low at the best of times - I try and treat them fair but I couldn't risk my son not staying at his school - he said he wouldn't go into college if he couldn't stay. He has had long term isssues but never got help -x just thinks it's all me as he's a high functioning professional highly regarded in his industry - he thinks because I get child tax credits and child benefit I have more than enough money to support my kids - I got 2.5 years spousal and then told I can get back to work I haven't worked for 20 years - so many lies- he's fucking swanning around while I do all the fucking parenting - his kids are displaying the same emotionally abusive traits as him but if I send them to him I've given up on them.

Take a break. Send them to their father, you may end having a nervous breakdown. Try to get stronger as it seems they have lost respect for you, if they don't help with dinner they don't eat if they don't wash their clothes they have to wear them dirty if they don't get their school stuff ready they pay the consequences at school. Who pays their phone bill; I will stop paying if they keep behaving like that; you need to take control but need a break first as you seem to have had enough.

Can you access any family therapy? It sounds as if there is so much anger in your house right now ( unsurprisingly). If not, could you hold a family meeting to discuss problems and invite the DC to contribute their ideas?

Violence is just unacceptable and the sooner they know that the better.

Re money I suggest you offer your dd an allowance at the end of ear month which will be deducted from each time she breaks a set boundary including rudeness.

Sounds so tough. Take care.

I totally agree with shinesweetfreedom....tell your children that they will be living with thier father unless they change there attitudes...if not tell them you will be speaking to social services for advice....don't let your ex and kids bulky and undermine you. Have you got family who can help...

Send them to their father.

My ds has just returned to me after going to 'live with his father'

It's done him good. Very sobering for him. He fully appreciates me now and has grown up a lot whilst away ( 10 months)

It might be what's needed here op

Unless you sort it out now it will escalate and get so much worse. Can you book a holiday just for yourself ....speak to your ex and tell him you need a break. You need some time for yourself without the kids ...leave them to it....they sound ungrateful and nasty.

I would also send them to live with their father. He's their parent too. He's equally responsible for them.

I have been reading the thread about using living with the other parent as a punishment and how a poster said this was the worst aspect of her parents divorcing - I don't want to do this to them - I've said it to them before - my Ds then said he was going to do it - and it really upset me - my kids are fucked up from this shit - I fear my Dd will go and live at her boyfriends house if I send her to her fathers - she spends a lot of time there already - more so when it's his contact time - she has refused to meet OW and this has affected their relationship. He takes Ds on holiday with him & her kids but not DD. Evertytime I try and talk to Dd she doesn't want to know - only when she's asking for a lift somewhere - or wants money - her attitude to me is shit - but she's picked it up from me - I no longer have any respect for her father after how he has treated me. I've said about family therapy before I don't think they would go - my Dd since turning 16 thinks she can do what she likes - I know she is sexually active - I talked to her about going on the pill - she just dismisses anything I say to her - I've no idea whether her father is aware - he's prob just got his head in sand - all I need know is for her to get pregnant! You lot must think I'm weak - I feel like I'm weak I'm making such a mess of this - all I want is for them to be happy - to realise their own self worth without being effected by money but this seems what everything is about. I can't cut loose at the moment - I want to move completely away where housing is cheaper - I have to be out of the family home by April - I already said they may have to live with their father then - I asked him to confirm he will be ok with this and all I get back is where are you going - I asked him to have them for two weeks sometime this term so I can get a break - I asked him to let me know by 11 August - he just ignores me - the only way I can do this is just to not be available once the kids have gone to him - I have already told Dd this - but don't want to have to resort to this as it's not fair on them is it. My Ds hasn't stopped coughing for the last 3 weeks - I'm sure this is anxiety related - he suffers with tics sometimes - it's all a fucking mess. Thanks ladies for reading
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Their DF pays their phones - he has no respect for me whatsoever - clear from the moment he cheated but tried to make out their was no one else involved so as not to "loose" the kids - at the start it was me encouraging the contact - what a fool I was - should have just let it go - he has accused me of harassing him twice right at the start - because he's always kept his cool kids see me as psycho - as he tells everyone I am - it doesn't seem to matter what I do I get blamed - I don't think kids have respect for me as I'm SAHM - I did everything whilst x concentrated on business and I got shafted! Sometimes I wish breast cancer had got better of me so I wouldn't still be here for everyone to keep shitting on me - I only fought this for the kids - to try and give them what they were intended to have - but they don't get this despite how many times I tell them - they say I just wasted the money - this is how he has done such a good job on them - completely blindsided them into believing what he says - if I can't turn this around they are going to think how he treats me is acceptable all because of screwed up society that doesn't value women looking after their own kids. I'm on benefits ffs - his earnings prior to divorce was £150k - wtf am I doing

What did you come out financially with after your divorce....do you own your own house

No user - x has manipulated whole process - house sale was forced through courts as x claimed business going down the pan and he ran up debts - usual practise I understand. I had insurance payout from cancer - only way I could go to court - solicitors let me down badly and direct access barrister - I've got complaint being looked at but who knows what outcome will be. I have got some money but not enough to buy house where live now - spousal for two years and pension being sorted now but this has possibly been manipulated by x too. I'm 52 long term depression totally ignored by courts -told me won't stop me working despite needing to sleep during day every day for last 20 years - had psychiatrist letters and pip confirming but judge dismissed it - got nothing for company - had to give my shares back - if I move far far away I can buy cheaply and use rest to live off but kids will not want to come with me

Maybe putting money in perspective would help?
I am constantly having to say no to children as I am on really low income. I have bought DS new trainers this summer. He is already asking for new ones as these were not "proper running ones", grr

When they ask for stuff I give them a choice: I would say in front of DD and DS: " so you want new trainers but I was going to put this money aside for going away during half term/or for activities/ or for Christmas. What do you think we should do?"
Sometimes I put money towards, but they have to do jobs to fund the rest.
As far as phone are concerned, taking them away was too much of a battle. I am limiting WIFI by allowing 2 hours a day connection. I take away the WIFI box when it is not WIFI time. It is annoying as I sometimes have to check the internet for work purpose and I have to limit myself to WIFI time too