I dont know what to do - please help me help my mum

[julezboo]

Hey all

it may turn into a long one but I will try to keep it to a minimal.

Monday morning I got a phone call off my aunt. She told me my mum had a really bad night Sunday. She has been put on anti depressants, and is seeing a councillor, she had her first appt on Friday and really let it all out apparently. The councillor told her the next time her hubby tells her he loves her to ask him to show her.

Anyway I know they havnt been getting on too great for at least the last year or so. But Sunday night I am fuming about. She asked him to show her after a row, he sat and stared blankly at her for what seems like half an hour then tipped a bottle of beer over her head took all the money in the house and took off

She doesnt tell me any of these things naturally because im her daughter. But he hant let her sleep in the bed for months, shes sleeping on the living room floor on a matress. She is covered in bruises on her arms from where hes grabbed her and pushed her about. He's told her she repulses him cos she smokes (shes been stopped for a year now)

I went up monday dinner time (200 miles) cos I just had to see her for myself. She was pleased to see me and the boys and Im glad mebeing there difused the situation for her for a bit. They run their own business so they both went back to work yesterday, Whilst they was there i went up to see my aunt, we've both promised to ring her regularly and shes gonna keep her eye on her with me being so far away. She also told me that when they went abroad on holiday at christmas he locked her in their apartment 2 nights out of 7 and didnt come back for hours

I didnt really want to travel back home yesterday without bringing her with me but she wouldnt come and i could feel another argument brewing between them when i left. I dont understand why she is putting up with it she used to be so strong. I hardly recognise her anymore I just dont know what to do for the best and Im mad at myself for not noticing how bad things where.

Just wanted to acknowledge your post. There are lots of really strong people on here who have been through similiar and will be able to give advice. Hope things get better and for your mum. At least she's got you, and don't be mad with yourself about it, get mad at the situation. HTH

Your poor mum. Don't beat yourself up I think when you go on to have your own family it can be difficult to be in all places at once. Sadly, the decision to leave has to come from you mum, offer her help and support whatever and hope she comes to the right decision. Try and stay in contact with your aunt, and make sure your mum knows you are doing that, so perhaps your mum will know she can open up to you too.

I'm so sorry for you both and I hope she gets out soon.

Oh your poor Mum. I don't have any advice really but couldn't read and not post.

Does she want to leave?

I think deep down she knows she should go but she wouldnt even leave the house monday in case he came back and locker her out, shes frightened of losing everything shes worked so hard for i guess or being alone, she has never really been alone since her and my dad split up shes been with this man. Hes horrible.

This is awful not sure what to say - but bumping this for you.

Good luck

Hi Julez
In the beginning it sounds like my mum. She also want my dad to show her he loves her, but he doesn't. My mother never told me this for years and years. After many years I found out that my father had an affair with one of his best friends wife. My mum and dad split up for about a year but got back together again. My mum forgave him. She told me she loves him to much. She can't let go. Maybe your mum is the same, loves him to much to let go. Looks beyond all the ugly stuff that has happened. Luckily my dad never hit of grabbed my mum. Luckily you can go and see your mum. My parents are in South Africa so I had to phone my mum everytime and talk to her over the phone. There were even times she tried to commit suicide. Strange, typing all this for you, I never told anyone this. My mum is also on anti depressants. For years now. Never knew why, now I know it is because of my dad and the affair. I always resented my mother. She always cried and were in a bad mood. At times I hated my mother. Worshiped my dad. Now that I know the truth, I feel so bad. Love my mother to bits. Love my fathter to but things arn't as it used to be between us.
Can't you let your mother stay with you for a while and really talk to her in that time? let me know what's going on. Thinking of you. Good luck.

yah, my mum's biggest fear is to be alone.

Thanks for sharing Tasja

She is travelling down to stay with us for a few days at the beginning of May hopefully. Her hubby came back mon not long after i arrived, he knew why i was there as he couldnt look me in the eye, i just told me mum we was there to surprise her and cheer her up and i wanted to take ds on an adventure. I think she knew the real reason i turned up without ringing first but she never said anything.

He very rarely lets her go places on her own, she cant speak on the phone without him hovering behind her. I know she is going to visit my aunty today on her own so mayne she will get things out, My aunt is gonna ring me later. I thought of texting my mum but i know he would read it. Then i thought of writing her a letter but i know he would read it. I need her to know i know shes not happy but without landing my aunt in it for telling me becuase shes the only person my mum confides in and i dont want her to lose that when she needs it.

Know what you mean. My mum confided in my aunt who knew about the affair even before my mum. Her kids go to the same school as the wife my father cheated with. So she saw my dad picking up the kids and told my mum. My dad is furious with my aunt. Result - my mum never goes to her anymore for fear of my father finding out.
Give your mum a treat when she visits you. Long bubble baths, all her favourit food. Talk to her. And listen! That's the big one. I never listened to my mother. Whatever she decides, support her. She will love you for that.