My husband is lazy but doesnt even realise!

[coffeeX10]

been with dh for 14 years, married for 7. Lived together for 12 years - didnt notice the laziness before i had my DD 2 years ago as i did cooking and cleaning etc when i got home from work before he was home and everything was easy enough to keep on top of.
Fast forward to now, we have our gorgeous 2yo (who still wakes in the night) i work part time 2.5 days a week and have a small etsy business alongside (which i work on when dd is asleep so as not to feel the mum guilt of not paying her attention on my days off work) so i am like a zombie at very best most days.
Now i know its my own fault and ive made a rod for my own back with regards to doing everything so dh has gotten used to doing nothing - however he doesnt see it as nothing as he works 6 days a week.
I still fancy the bones of him and love him dearly apart from when he tells me hes tired at which point i could cheerfully knock his head off but my libido is at zero (we have sex probably 1-2 times a month). i do tell him that i need him to help more but he doesnt see things unless i point them out and then he'll remember for a few days and back to square one again. Reminding him to help is as exhausting.
my skin looks like crap, my hair looks like crap, my body is a pile of crap and thats not helping my libido either but im bloody shattered and feel like i cant make a change. Ive thought about writing a schedule of who does what - does anyone have any experience similar with better suggestions? TIA i feel stupid and petty even writing this but i cant think of any better ideas.

It's not that he doesn't notice, it's just just that he just doesn't care to notice and given that you've been mothering him for fourteen years that's not bloody surprising. Necessity is the mother of all invention, I'd bet he starts caring to notice if his meals aren't being prepared or his shirts are no longer ironed.

The first step is to stop being a martyr.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is there to love about this man?. Your resentment will further build and kill your love from him as you further work out how lazy around the house he actually is.

He does not care about you at all; you are there to do the scut work he himself does not want to do. He sees the mundane housework as your sole responsibility. He found an ideal person in you because you simply carried on mothering him after his mother stopped. She likely ran around after her son and her H like a blue housefly as well. It did them all no favours.

Read Wifework and this article too:-
www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

You are both right in that it is entirely my fault. it really is. I know it is.
The first 10 years of my life were filled with extreme violence, it left me with anxiety but above all when i had a happy and safe home i just kept everything ticking over to be perfect, that probably doesnt make much sense.

His mum left actually when he was 14 so him and his brothers just lived in a very lazy way! I think thats why he doesnt see it, hes just used to it.

In terms of what do i get from my marriage, i do love him. hes funny, excellent company, a lovely dad (everything mine wasnt in fact) i just wish hed bloody help! im not meaning to be a martyr. Ive just lived this way for so long that im now bloody shattered.

Just to reitterate i do know that this is my own doing and im not looking for sympathy. I cant ask family etc as i feel daft as they can see how good he is in every other way, im just tired but maybe i should start taking my iron again! Thank you for your replies. I'll get more coffee!

Are there some things which can become 'his' jobs that he will do from now on? That way he'd have no excuse to forget. And it also allows you both to decide together what is a fair division of tasks based on how much you each work (including childcare as work).

It works well with DH and I because we carved things up into his jobs and my jobs so there's no confusion or needing to point out things. If there's ironing to be done, that's his job so he does it. If there's washing to be done, that's mine so I do it - and so on.

I like that idea, thank you accrual - thats better than my schedule idea. he can take the bins

He does realise, but it's not important to him.

You need to find a way to make it important to him.

He will always forget slip back into old ways, my DH and sons are just wired differently they really do not notice. I just grit my teeth, smile and say nicely for instance "Could you mop the kitchen floor" when tis his bally dogs made a mess of it. Or with son, "you can have x box internet when your room is tidy, your clothes hung up and your dirty washing brought downstairs"

Honestly, a big probelm with us women is that sometimes we expect men to me mindreaders. We think "I look like shit, he must realise I am exhausted" - well, no, because to him we don't look like shit, we look our glorious selves.

have you said to him "I cannot do everything. You need to work in the house. Houses don't run thremselves. It is not fairies, it is me, and I am working so hard I am becoming ill. I am on the edge of collapse. "

?

Cos if you have and he's still not helping, he's a cunt. But if you haven't told him, you need to tell him

becotide yes actually, this is true, if im not home he will eat something lazy for dinner ie cereal so i feel like if i dont cook he wont do it himself he will just be lazy and eat biscuits so i think that would only become important to him after a couple of weeks! his house with his brothers was a mess, i feel like if i didnt tidy then hed just go back to living like that which wouldnt be nice to our DD never mind me. Not sure which point thatd be important to him apart from people coming to the house, that would probably shame him into action and itd be important then!!

welshmist yes thats exactly how it feels, his van (that i dont have to step foot in) is a cess pit, so gross, its just like he cant see it. which to look at him you wouldnt know, he looks perfectly well groomed at all times (and before anyone asks no i dont do his grooming for him!)

becotide i have told him and hes fab for a while and then slowly slips and then i have to ask again. dont get me wrong hes not rude about it or argumentative, id just like it to be done without asking. i think i need to have a regimented 'the bathroom is now your job' approach.

the bathroom is his job now lol... be prepared for a stinky grimy mess if you leave it entirely to him.

And there you have it.
He wouldn't want to be shamed in front of visitors.
So it's utter bullshit that he just doesn't see it.

He has lazily gone along with you doing everything - well, wouldn't most people?

Sort out a fair split of housework and put your foot down. If he'd eat biscuits instead of cook - so fucking what? As Marie Antoinette might have said - let him eat biscuits.

(and why oh why are bins always suggested as a job for men? Putting the rubbish out is one of the easiest household jobs there is - don't take on some time consuming crap and give him piss easy bins!)

My husband is like this. We have a house keeper now so much happier.