Help me understand why I feel like this.

[pudding21]

7 months ago I left a emotionally abusive relationship. We had been together 21 years and have 2 kids. In between the episodes we were happy (ish), but the last 3 years were very miserable with constant issues. I loved him very much, which is why I stayed so long. I was so sad at how he treated me, but we could be good together. I was only 17 when we got together.

I do not feel like it was the wrong thing and I am not intending to go back even though he wants me to and I felt I was doing so well, but the last few days I have been on my knees in terms of emotions. Since the split it has been difficult at times, but we have occasionally managed to get on and we have had meals all together etc and the kids are happier. On Wednesday the kids start back at school and we will take them together. We are sharing child care more of less 60:40 (with me more).

He isn't a bad person and I still hold a lot of love for him, he struggles with anxiety and depression and motivation. He relied on me for almost everything. He tells me he still adores and loves me, but his actions still prove otherwise. I don't doubt he loves me he just doesn't know how to. Anyway a few days ago he sent me a text to say that he cannot believe it was just his behavior that lead to this, and that he thought me of all people would have given him another chance. That I don't acknowledge him etc and that I was being heartless etc. I replied with the same sort of reply I have over the last few months, that if he cannot see his behavior was ever wrong, it shows we shouldn't be together as if we did reconcile the same issues would come up again. And bottom line is, he didn't care for me in a way I felt I deserved. I won't go into all the boring details, but he could be cruel, verbally aggressive, possessive, paranoid and basically left me to do almost everything including forge friendships for him.

In the last few months I have had a FWB scenario, which seems to be developing into more. Last night for the first time, he came over early, I cooked him dinner, and tonight I will do the same. This guy is totally the opposite from my ex, sex is amazing, he is so understanding and honest it has knocked me a bit that men like this exsist. I don't have any illusions that this will develop into more serious because he is a commitment phobe and I am not sure I want it too. We both like each other a lot, and he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment and hasn't since we started to see each other. I feel totally comfortable with him, he is a great guy.

Anyway, ex doesn't know about him, they do know each other to say hello to (through mutual friends) and I don't feel ready to tell him yet, or for him to find out (I fear the fall out when he does find out). This morning I haven't stopped crying, I don't know why. I just want things to be calm and be able to live my life, but I miss my ex today terribly. Perhaps it was doing a "couply" thing last night with the new guy that has triggered something.

I also found out last week my dad has bowel cancer and I live abroad. I am returning to the UK on Wednesday as he is having surgery. Plus I am on antibiotics for a kidney infection, so that probably has knocked me for six, but i cannot fathom my emotions.

Anyone have any wise words. Just cry and let it all out I guess? Its taking all my strength not to go running back to my ex for him to cuddle me (even though he was shit when I was upset in the past), or break down in front of new guy and him run a mile! Help.......

Oh gosh you've got so much going on no wonder you're a bit all over the place.

21 years is a long time so of course you're going to miss him but you're sensible enough to realise that it's just a reaction to what's going on and getting back with him would not be good for you at all.

I think you need to speak to someone about all this, letting it out on here is a good start but do you have any real life friends you can talk to?

Thanks cakecakecheese: I have people in real life yes, but to be honest I feel like they might be starting to get a bit fed up of hearing about my struggles 7 months on....... I am sure they are not, and would tell me I am crazy but I hate to burden people. You are right though, I will call my bestie tonight and have a moan and a cry!

I think going back to uk (despite the circumstances) will help as I can see all my family. Perhaps I should try some counselling, but its hard to find a fluent english speaker here.

I can see why with the mix of the news about your father and your concern about how your ex will react to you getting involved with another man your emotions are a bit of a roller coaster right now.

I agree with @cakecakesheese Real friends, especially women, would be great for you right now. Often in controlling relationships, women aren't really allowed to have good friends, to confide in other women, etc. How are you doing on that front? The problem with male friends as support is that the support tends to go away when the relationship is over. My vote is to not lean on any man right now, but lean on women.

I'm very sorry about your father. I think that for you to find a path through without the need to fall apart in front of a man and have him .... react how ever he reacts ... would help you find your own strength. May be you need to cancel tonight and be honest as to why -- your father has cancer and you need some time to process that. Your ex convinced you that you can't handle things, but that was never true. He wanted it to be true so that you would need him, but you are strong (even though you don't feel it right now).

With you ex, may be it would help to shut down conversations about the relationship, and stick to just talking about the children. Every time he brings it up, say something like, It's over. You used up all your chances. and then change the subject right back to the kids, or end the conversation if he won't move on.

Yes definitely give the bestie a call.

I think councelling would help but I get that living abroad makes it tricky, perhaps look into finding someone in the UK that would offer it via skype etc?

My words are I can see why you want a new relationship but slow it down. You can't just forget all those years with your ex, in fact the fact he is the way he is means it's very complicated and there will be a big pull.

Beware men that seem ideal very quickly and does he have any idea of what you have been through.

I broke up with my DH, there was no abuse involved and we are back together, a male friend of mine who I have known for years was after me immediately. I didn't seek solace tbh I now quite despise men that know situations and want to 'comfort' women soon after a break up. He was direct in his offers, I also had another male friend make a more subtle play but a play nonetheless.

You sound vulnerable, nurture yourself.

Hi pudding21 - I think that maybe you need to distance yourself a bit more from the ex. He's still in a position to make you feel guilty and he is playing with your emotions. I split from my ex around the same time as you (I've nc). And I still have down days by they're getting less frequent and intense now. I speak to my ex only when necessary. I am polite and nice but that's it. I don't get into conversations, I just can't as I know I am vulnerable to him.
Well done on getting out there - I bet the FWB has triggered this episode but I think that you need to go as NC as you can. Hope you're ok x

Trailingwife: thanks for your reply, I have lots of very good female friends. I am very lucky. They have been so supportive and a real help. I have some good friends here where I live, and my closest female friends are in the UK. I am strong, I have been through the ringer the last few years, and people have commented how well I am managing, its just I don't feel it the last few days. The irony is when I told my ex he was super supportive, but when we lived together he would have listened at first, but then give me the impression I couldn't dwell on anything, so I would shut down.

Peanutbuttercheese: The new guy is a mutual friend of a very good friend of mine, she has known him years and actually suggested we might be a good match ;) He knows what I have been through (more or less) and he is very understanding. He is a good honest, salt of the earth type person and I enjoy his company a lot. I am being quite guarded though with my feelings and protecting myself as much as possible. I don't think he is exploiting my position in any way and if I told him we should stop he would be cool with it. He isn't asking anything from me and has no expectations. I didn't go into this thing with him to forge a relationship other than as a FWB, but I have grown to really like him over the months. I am not in love with him, I just enjoy him for the person he is.

Thanks for the concern and advice, I just skyped my friend and already feeling a bit better. Now I need a nap ;)

Hey @pudding21 How is it going today?

Something else I realized is that you said that your new relationship started as friends as benefits, but that he came over early and you made him dinner, and that you were going to do the same the next night. Thinking about your past relationship, I suggest that you require that he start treating you like a girl friend and taking you on proper dates. I also suggest that you don't see him 2 days in a row. Be a little less available, make plans with other friends, and try to avoid diving in head first just because he is nice to you.

After a really crappy relationship it's hard to know what is normal, but being able to talk about what you want and the other person doing so work to make things fun is part of a normal relationship.

I really feel for you. I've been with an emotionally controlling husband for 17 years now and it's so completely exhausting. Add to that your father's illness and it's no wonder you feel a little lost.

If it were me, I would probably keep the new relationship at arms length. It sounds as though you're still reeling from leaving your husband (hats off for that by the way - very brave!) You need some time to heal and be yourself for a bit. By all means keep him as a "friend with benefits" if that suits you, but if it's going to be too emotionally challenging, maybe let him go for now.

Of course your husband wants you back. Controlling men want to be in control. I'm sure he feels love for you, but you walked away for a reason and you need to keep that in mind.

Sending your dad lots of get well wishes. Stay strong. You've come so far already.

Hi Trailingwife: thanks for thinking of me, I am feeling much better thanks for thinking of me. I had a one day meltdown then felt much better the next day :) Regarding FWB, its actually more me that doesn't want to go on dates etc because I live in a very small community where every knows each other and him (he is a local artisan and everyone knows him) and I am not ready for ex to find out about it yet. We still have the family home to sell, he has the kids etc. So i can't ask him for more, I know he would want to, because I am not mentally in a position to do so if you know what I mean.

I am back in the Uk now so we won't see each other for a few days anyway :) My dad had his surgery yesterday, he was in for 8 hours and the surgeon said it was one of the most difficult he had ever done, not because of the cancer but because of his anatomy! I am pleased to be here though and so is my mum.

Tessie: thanks for your well wishes. Ex is actually being very nice, he even is looking after my dog. He was a shit to me, but he doesn know how much I care and am close to my family, and he wouldn't dare say anything. He maybe is being so supportive because he thinks it might make me want to return, but that won't happen. Are you still with your husband?

I guess I am still on egg shells a bit, because I don't always know how he will react, and the thought of him finding out about FWB fills me with dread.....but at the same time I am not doing anything wrong, and we are not together and he knows that. i have told him many times we won't be getting back together.

Thanks again :)