Me and my mother

[ExConstance]

Mother is 91. Usually in good health and does not need formal care, has a bit of help with shopping and pays for a cleaner. She is very independent and determined to carry on living in her own home.

I live 90 miles away, work full time and it takes me between 1.45 and 2.30 hours ( depending on traffic etc) each way to visit. My mother and I have never really got on. She is hyper critical of my weight, my clothes my hair and has in the past banned me from visiting because I was too fat. I have not taken her out anywhere in the past 3 + years when she has not been critical of the food or the place I have taken her.
My pattern of visiting her hasn't changed for years and involves 4 two day visits that fit in with a meeting I go to in the area. I go up for her birthday ( and take/pay for fares for my sons to go with me) I take my sons up to see her just before Christmas when we visit all the family ( and I pay any travel expenses for the boys, who are both grown up and working away from all of us) On top of that I will go for 3 full weekends a year or thereabouts. When she had a fall a couple of years back and was in hospital I visited some evenings and weekends while she was unwell. Going through this it is about once every 6 weeks.

My brother does her shopping and looks in on her twice a day as he works right next door to her house in the family business. She has given him her house and part of the business, and left him everything else in her will, because he "works so hard" He has £90 k in cash that she gave him last year.

Mother had a fall last week, she did not go into hospital, but was very shaken and spent most of the night on her bedroom floor. I suspect the fall may have been linked to her poor eating but as she constantly lies to me about what she has eaten it is hard to tell.

This week I have had a furious phone call from a cousin ( our mothers were sisters) berating me for being a terrible daughter and saying I had put my dog first ( dog is dead, PTS 15 August. I did visit at the start of August but was very preoccupied with him for the following fortnight and am still quite upset about losing him). She said I should visit far more often and I understand my brother has said "It had to be said" Mother would not allow this dog or any previous dogs, except my first ( father alive then) to visit. Brother has said to me that the cousin is just like that ( she bad mouths a lot of people in the family) Cousin has her daughter and grandchildren to lunch every single week and they have never had a holiday that she hasn't paid for and taken them on - so not a normal pattern of family life.

My mother is refusing to express any sort of disapproval to my cousin as she is frightened of upsetting her.

My mother didn't care for her own mother who had dementia, and will not come down to see us although she has a standing and oft repeated invitation to stay for a long weekend or longer if she accepts we have to go to work. She does stay every other Christmas.

I'm toying with going no contact with cousin and possibly brother too, though it would be a big step. I'm not used to picking up the phone and being shouted at. I have to work one weekend in 4 and don't want to let my regular contact with my sons and our small circle of friends wither or I'll be old and lonely myself before too long.
Brother had private education, has been given the whole business and house and as a child/teenager never lifted a finger in the house or even made a sandwich for himself, he remains the chosen one!

How can I manage this situation where my family are so hostile to me but not actually doing anything much themselves to help? I don't mind going up every 6 weeks but can't manage for practical and psychological reasons to go any more often.

When I do visit my mother doesn't get in any food for me and I have to go out and buy it myself, she insists on her choice of television and then falls asleep watching it. She never opens a window and when I get home I have to wash every single item of clothing and have a shower and hairwash as the house is so musty it permeates everything.

Mother refuses paid carers or to go to any social activities such as a day centre.

I would drop your critical mother, brother and cousin completely now given the ways they have treated you over the years. None of them deserve any of your consideration whatsoever and you have bent over backwards still to gain your mother's approval (approval that she will never give you). Its not your fault they are like this, you did not make them that way. They do not want to be helped and you cannot help people who are that way inclined.

Dysfunctional familial relations like you describe can and does go down the generations and it was of no surprise to me at all that your own mother did not get on with her mother. However, when it came to you she took the same old path and parented you similarly as well leaving you with your own fear, obligation and guilt re her.

What has been and continues to be your role here in your family of origin?. You read like the family scapegoat with both your brother and mother's sister now further ganging up on you. This woman has no idea of your life and is completely wrong to do as she has done. They do not really care for your mother either and are acting solely in their own interests here; the person who berated you is certainly acting in her own interest here and not in yours. She is not interested in hearing your side of things and just wants to rant. I would block her number with immediate effect; you do not need that flying monkey in your life.

You write of your brother who has always been favoured by mother and is now left the house and everything else that she possesses. He is doing the barest of bare minimums here re his mother; why isn't this cousin figure having a go at him?.

I would raise your own boundaries with these people a lot higher than they have been to date.

What does her cleaner do exactly? Is she told not to open the windows; why is the place so musty?.

You cannot either give your mother the proper mothering or childhood that she so clearly never had either. Do not let her continue to use you as her own personal punchbag for all her inherent ills.

Thank you for a reality check. My mother was the youngest of 6 and has always been the "child" in any relationship. My father was lovely and was kind and supportive to me, but sadly died 27 years ago in his early 60s. I've struggled on with my mother and brother for a long time. With my mother I feel I must be the bigger person and be there for her when she is clearly approaching the end of her life (though she might live to be 100) I remain polite to my brother, he does not have an easy life in all respects and is very jealous that I had a career and moved away. I'm 61 myself and my youngest left home this summer so ( bearing in mind the age my father died at) I really want to enjoy this bit of my life. I have tried very hard and I think succeeded in being a better mother to my sons than my mother was to me. I praise their achievements and enjoy their company. I even try to foster reasonable relations between my brother and my sons as he has no children of his own ( did not want any).
The cleaning is done by my sister in law, but she is paid for it, 2 hours on a Thursday. Opening the windows once a week doesn't do much good. Mother has adopted the behaviour of smiling and nodding if there are any things you say to her that she doesn't agree with.

Attila. The main area I can do something constructive for my mother is to take her out. The rest of the family will do things for her such as shopping or grudgingly take her to appointments (not often) but it is only me who takes her out to lunch or to M&S shopping.

Drop all three of them. I think it's appalling your brother has been left everything. It's insulting. You don't need them in your life, any of them.

ExConstance,

re your comment:-

The main area I can do something constructive for my mother is to take her out.

Yes but even then she's not grateful to you for even doing that. Therefore stop with the taking her out; your brother or cousin can instead do it. You also wrote this initially as well re your mother:-

"I have not taken her out anywhere in the past 3 + years when she has not been critical of the food or the place I have taken her".

Stop seeking her approval because she is not going to give it. Your mother has been critical and difficult towards you your whole life and she is not going to change even now. She also banned you from visiting because she thought you were too fat; that is clearly not the actions of a mother who is at all loving.

You can only change how you react to her and you need to raise your own boundaries urgently. I would reiterate that you would be better off without these three in your life. Your role here is one of scapegoat in your family of origin.