Am confused what is Emotional Abuse and what is Dysfunctional?

[Autumnskiesarelovely]

Me and DH broke up last week. I've been reading posts to get some perspective. I think that my ExDH is fantastic in lots of ways, really caring and responsible, however he has a cycle that just repeats.

Fantastic and then I might do something or get cross, and he totally flies off the handle and says mean things. Every 3/4 months. And sometimes he ends the relationship and doens't commit again for weeks. That is why we've ended the relationship, he's sick of being mean and I'm sick of him doing it.

I think he's a good guy who is dysfunctional in his relationships. Even though he was married before for years. I thought emotional abuse was fairly constant, but this is fine until the outburst hits.

Emotional abuse doesn't need to be constant to devastating to a relationship. Would your husband be willing to have therapy which could help him deal with his abusive behaviour? Even if you don't get back together, and quite possibly you shouldn't, it could help him have a better future.

Emotional abuse IS dysfunctional. It goes in cycles. It is nothing to do with you. Someone who flies off the handle and says horrible things is emotionally abusing you.

We used to have a campervan which cost £££££ to keep on the road. When it worked it was brilliant, and usually it did work. It broke down probably a handful of times. I have asked the dcs if they miss the van and they say, no, because it broke down all the time. They felt that they could no longer trust it not to grind to a halt somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. Unless he is able to take a good look in the mirror, nothing will change apart from his behaviour will get worse. Most abusers are unwilling to change.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GO TO ANY THERAPY TOGETHER. He will use anything you divulge against you.

We did go to therapy together and it was really useful. But short lived. He went to his own therapy after that but that seemed crap. Not sure what he gained but it wasn't insight, it seemed to be looking at what he was unhappy about with me. Apparently he found out that he felt that I didn't see his point of view but that he felt he could see mine. Totally did not strike true. I suppose that's the trouble with therapy a lot of therapist just do active listening. Do not challenge.

My husband does the same. He has ego massage therapy which takes no account of his behaviour, what he says or what he does.

Yes it's annoying tiger. I think my Ex would have listened to the therapist if she'd suggest he was in a destructive cycle.

She obviously didn't bother to analyze what he was saying. Just asked questions such as 'why do you feel so angry?' Where he muster my faults (and the incidents were obviously minor) and apparently she said to him he should share that with me and I should listen!

Pretty angry about that myself!

The couple counselor, on the other hand, noticed very quickly there weee issues with control, and said to him directly that he needed his own therapy to deal with it or he could not be able to be in a healthy relationship. She was great. Such a shame she got scuppered by someone else.