I've decided not to date. Why am I absolutely fucking terrified?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

A potted relationship history:
12 year relationship and marriage. 3 dcs. He gambled and drank. I left him eventually. Then I rushed straight into online dating because I was terrified to be alone. I met a man 3 months later. He swept me off my feet completely. Said he loved me early on. Then became very cold and dumped me after 3 months. He was quite cruel to me and used me for sex afterwards. I became incredibly depressed and my poor dc didn't get the attention they deserved. I'm ashamed of that now.
I went straight out dating again. Met someone about 7 months later. Another 3 month relationship where he declared love early on and then dumped me.
Guess what? I went straight out dating again. Course I did. After 6 months I met a man who I was with on and off for almost two years. First year was genuinely good. Then he became more and more distant. Even when he was going me he didn't love me, I begged him to give me another chance. It all went horribly horribly wrong and he was sleeping with other women at the end, with my permission. It was really messed up and my self esteem was on the floor.
I dated again. Nothing that really went anywhere. Then I met my friend's brother at a wedding and we dated. That ended just over a week ago. He declared love early on, bla bla bla. Then his feelings changed. This time I let him go.
I downloaded all the apps again.
Then something clicked. I've told the dates I had lined up that I'm not ready to date. I've deleted all the apps. Tinder asked if something was broken when I deleted it. I put 'my heart.'
I'm terrified. I don't understand why I'm terrified but I do know there's not a chance of me meeting anyone while I'm so desperate to avoid being alone. I cannot keep doing this. I don't know why this keeps happening, but I need to walk away from it all right now. I hope I don't cave and start using the apps. But I'm knackered, I don't have that much free time, my kids need me and I've a full time job.
God. I don't know what the point of all this is. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. But I do know that I'm deeply unhappy and that I've been using dating to fill that empty space inside me for a long time. And I can't do it anymore. I just can't.

Look upon it as an exciting time to really get to know yourself. You seem to give everything to men, afraid of being alone. Use this time to do what you want, be selfish, find passion for something - it does not have to be a person. A time of calm and taking care of yourself. The fact that you are so needy is attracting those who prey on the vulnerable. Concentrate on becoming invulnerable.

I like the idea of dating yourself. Take yourself for coffee, talk to yourself positively, give yourself compliments and upbuilding pep talks like a partner would. You do sound self aware OP so you can do it. It's very commendable of you not to date and to put your children first.

Op, you will feel so much better I promise. My only advice is that I would probably wait a bit longer than a year and when you do avoid OLD. I waited 3 years and then didn't go back to OLD I actually met somebody in real life and it wasn't draining and at the mercy of the constant checking of messages it was so much more natural. Anyway I just wanted to say good luck

Thank you. I'm saying a year to myself because I don't want to over face myself. I may decide to take much longer. I've never gone even a month before. I probably would go back to OLD if I decided to date because I dont get that many opportunities in real life. Real life isn't all that, look what happened with my friend's brother.
Today feels like a fresh start.

OP, I think what you are doing is really empowering and brave. I am doing something similar right now. I am two weeks out of a breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry. I have realized that I really need a long time away from dating to work on myself and get my self-esteem in a positive place. It is a very scary concept to go without dating and to deal with hurt and heartbreak. But I am determined to come out of this as a whole, healthy person who can stand on my own two feet and feel confident in myself.

We should form a MN support group!

We should form a support group. We can do this.

Just an update. It's only been a couple of days but I'm feeling a lot less drained. The apps felt a bit like constant chatter in my head. I've more energy for my children and I'm hopeful for the future really. One thing that I wonder is whether I'll ever be able to trust anyone when I am ready in the future. But then if I'm at peace with myself that probably doesn't matter too much.

OP, your post is so similar to where I'm at right now. I have just been let down again by another man and I've decided that enough is enough!
No more judging my worth based on a relationship status, or allowing how I feel about myself and my life to be so affected by what's going on in my dating life. I'm reclaiming my life for me and my children!!!
I agree when you said it is a sad feeling, not a triumphant one, but I think it will be empowering.
I wish you all the very best OP.

It's a few days since I've decided to remain single and I'm feeling much better about it tbh.
The weekends when the kids are with their dad will be tough, but I think I'll get used to my own company again. When I was younger I used to love my own company :)

We'll get there :)

OP, I like how you talk about finding peace with yourself. I think finding peace is really the key...but how to do that?! I love the idea of "reclaiming" our time and life, that is what I feel like I need to focus on for the next year and make my life as amazing as possible for myself. I really want to look back a year from now and think of this time as being a great, albeit sometimes sad, learning experience where I dealt with my issues of self-esteem and self-image and became all the better for it.

Perhaps we should start a specific thread where we chat about our growth and are supportive during difficult times--can you start one OP?

I'm going to arrange a few things with friends on my free weekends, but I also quite fancy booking myself into a spa for a night too. I'm tired of being judged and found wanting. I'm attractive and intelligent but I have absolutely no idea what some people are looking for and I think my life is already so busy that I'd rather forget it for a good while.

Well done Faron. I have been single for five years since I divorced my cheating exH. I thought at the time and still think that ICBA with all the grief around relationships and all the being at someone's beck and call. I love being single so much that I really cant see me changing that now.

Making a positive choice to put yourself and your life first for a decent period of time is the best thing you can do.

I think I will start a support thread about finding ourselves and not looking for validation.

Yes I've just come out of a 10 year relationship with two DC's

I immediately went on POF and Tinder but found that every time someone messaged me I felt anxiety and OLD isn't for me, at least not right now. It definitely doesn't make you feel special, having a guy message you the same message he's probably sent to countless other girls.

Just today I declined a date I had accepted because I felt I should 'get back out there.' I was honest and just told him I'm not ready to date, and thankfully he was totally understandable. I'm trying to correct my past behaviour too. Not just jump into something with someone to feel comfortable.

I'm trying to love myself, find myself and correct all my flaws that I know I have. So today was a big step in being honest with someone that I wasn't interested instead of settling into another relationship for the sake of it.

We should definitely all post in a support thread like you said Farontothemaddingcrowd - I'm really enjoying finding myself and practising self love, but obviously there are lonely times where you think about getting back on Tinder just for the sake of it.

If you do start a support thread please link it here. I'm not going to be able to do this alone. If I decide I'm ready.

Learning to love ourselves: ditching the dating scene support thread. - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3032154-learning-to-love-ourselves-ditching-the-dating-scene-support-thread

OMG, I've just stumbled on this after a friends husband asked when I was dating again now I've separated from STBExH. I'm quite happy "dating myself" for now, coffee, swimming, galleries, and random conversations! The next man will have to be pretty spectacular to convince me to give up my me time. This was interpreted by friends as me wanting to get back with STBExH. I'd rather saute a slug.

I'm pretty sure that I remember you posting under two different usernames in the past about your situation OP.

I'm glad that you feel a renewed resolve about not putting your happiness in the hands of a man - it really is easier said than done and I wish you good luck and strength to continue with your journey.

You may have done catra. I was a fairly prolific poster and I do sometimes read those old posts. I sound deranged. I was very vulnerable.

I think the reason your posts stuck in my mind Far is because you did indeed seem very vulnerable and you reminded me a lot of my friend.

After ending her unhappy marriage she rushed straight into dating prolifically. Like you, she was looking for someone to fill the emptiness and was terrified of being alone. Unfortunately, the men she dated recognised that vulnerability and exploited it so she found herself taken advantage of, messed around and heartbroken over and over again. She wasn't looking after her health either and ended up in hospital twice. On several occasions she deleted all the dating apps but then her resolve would weaken and she'd meet someone she was convinced was "different" but of course they weren't and she got hurt again.

Now, finally, I feel that she has reached a turning point. She is getting counselling, hasn't dated for 2 months and has booked a holiday of a lifetime on her own. She has so much going for her - a good job, financial security, warm, outgoing personality and at last she is beginning to value herself.

I really feel for her because she is her late 30s and wants children so time is not on her side but at least she's now hopefully heading in the right direction as she realises that the final pieces of the puzzle are never going to fall into place while she is so exhausted and broken.

If I were in your shoes OP I'd see this break from dating as a positive and spend as much precious free time as you can with your three children. I wish you the best of luck

That's a really helpful post catra. I do feel an absolute clarity on this and I'm not sure why it's all clicked into place now, but it has. Even in just the past few days, the behaviour of my children is better. Without realising it , I had never been focusing 100% on them, I was just going through the motions.
I guess I'm very lucky as I have no time limit, I don't want more children. I feel very calm. We are watching a movie and eating popcorn topped with m and ms and I feel really strongly that the loves of my life were here all along.
My health needs looking after too. I'm on iron tablets now as my ferritin level is 7 when it should be a minimum of 15. I don't have energy to be messed about.
I think, without realising it, I was going for men who were on some level recognising my vulnerability. My last ex was a lovely guy, but emotionally damaged and not right for me. If I was in a better place I would have taken those early declarations of love as a warning sign from him. Sometimes those three words can mean that the person saying them just wants you to fill the gap left by their ex girlfriend, or the emotional emptiness they have inside.

I love not dating! I love it so much I doubt I'll ever bother again. You have so much more time for everything else, I got so bored with the couple thing. You may get to like it too, op!

^Something like Nina

Am in my 50s. Not meeting any decent eligible men in real life. Did some online dating the last 10 years, but never met anyone remotely interesting! The day I decided no more dating was such a relief really.
I didn't have to deal with all the weirdo idiots online. I could honestly put my energy into things I really loved to do, which is what I do now. Am much happier.

I'm so glad that you're feeling calm and strong, Far, long may that continue.

Sometimes those three words can mean that the person saying them just wants you to fill the gap left by their ex girlfriend, or the emotional emptiness they have inside. These are wise words and it's only since I've been on Mumsnet that I've come to realise that early declarations of love can sometimes be a red flag.

I'm incredibly fortunate that I have a wonderful marriage - I have the opposite problem to you because the hole in my life is children (we recently lost our son 15 weeks into my pregnancy) but when I think back to my dating days they were fraught with tension and I had more than my fair share of men who blew hot and cold and fractured my sense of self worth. If anything ever happened to my husband (god forbid) I think I would feel utterly terrified of being on my own and of dating in equal measures.

Sorry to hear of your recent loss catra. I think you have offered some great advice to me on this thread, as have many other posters on here.

My recent ex was making comments about us getting married in Vegas when he barely knew me. I thought I'd wised up to this being a red flag, but I obviously wasn't ready.

I don't want to compromise my life, my dc's lives or how I choose to spend my money and time in any way. Being single means I can do what I want, when I want.

I don't include lovely recent ex in this, he meant what he said when he said it, he's just a mixed up lost soul. But those men who deliberately manipulate and exploit vulnerable women should have a special place in hell reserved for them

But those men who deliberately manipulate and exploit vulnerable women should have a special place in hell reserved for them

Yep. We're going back 13-14 years now, but I'll never forget the first man I dated after my long term partner died. We spent the night together at his place and he was full of amorous words about his feelings for me and our future together. Then in the morning he went out to get "breakfast" while I was showering and when I got out I found a cab number on his coffee table along with a message telling me to check my phone. When I did I found a message saying that I wasn't the girl for him and could I please get out of his house. Bastard.