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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

LDR partner wants space. So worried

23 replies

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 18:35

Sorry, long!!

I've been in a LDR with a gorgeous man for 4 years. We were extremely happy until a big argument that reached a head about 2 weeks ago.

During this, I got quite annoyed (not physical, shouting, intimidating or threatening or anything like that), mainly terse text exchanges and phone conversations.

The annoyance was at him consenting to something very important to me then dragging it out for weeks, changing his mind at the last minute and refusing.

Both of us have apologised but he now says he wants some space and time to think as he didn't like the angry side of me he saw. He initially said he wanted some time before moving on as normal.

For the last 2 weeks, we have communicated in friendly texts initiated by both (far fewer and a bit cooler than normal and he'll usually just leave mid convo). He's bailed on this weekend which was planned.

yesterday I asked him how he felt
He said he was still unsure about things following the argument and still needed time to think as he's been extremely busy (true).

I have never had this sort of protracted disagreement before and just don't know what to do. I love and miss him so much and really don't want an amazing relationship to end based on one bad argument. I told him this.

Honestly, both were to blame but I don't think I was really nasty, just stressed and frustrated at the potential problems that his refusal could cause (job related, sorry to be vague).

I'd hate the the relationship to slip through my fingers as we're miles apart, and just want us to be back how we were.

Any advice on how to handle this? Any wisdom would be so much appreciated right now!

Well done for reaching the end. Sorry for the length, I feel better for writing it down!

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 10/09/2017 19:10

"The annoyance was at him consenting to something very important to me then dragging it out for weeks, changing his mind at the last minute and refusing. "

Regardless of what you do next you have to realise that his priorities dont seem to match yours and he will probably let you down again. If he isnt there to support you in the way that you want, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship with him.

After all, this is what he is doing. He isnt happy that his choice upset you and is wondering if that is worth the stress. He is in a different place in the relationship than you are. Do you realise this?

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/09/2017 19:14

He doesn't like you being angry.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life keeping your feelings bitten down and internalised for fear that, if you show them, he will leave you?

TimingIsEverything · 10/09/2017 19:19

4 years LDR. How many times have you actually spent together in person?

KnitterAndTwisted · 10/09/2017 19:26

"The annoyance was at him consenting to something very important to me then dragging it out for weeks, changing his mind at the last minute and refusing. ""

Do you think this might have been the beginning of giving himself space? Why did he change his mind and refuse?

I suspect that it is whatever is behind this rather than the row that is causing him to talk about 'space'.

Sorry if it is not what you wanted to hear.

And 'he doesn't like you angry' , WTF! Are you supposed to never react?

He's trying to put the blame on you.

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 19:30

Thanks so much for all the replies so far,
really appreciate it. I'm just having a proper read and think about them.

Timing - we see each other nearly every weekend and always have done, so plenty of in-person contact over the years! we live in the same country. the LDR is due to his work, mainly.

OP posts:

splendidisolation · 10/09/2017 19:44

Its pretty impossible to really get a sense of anything without knowing what it was you argued about/how he let you down and why.

Mrskeats · 10/09/2017 19:51

This all sounds a bit controlling on his part.
Get annoyed 😒 and I will withdraw
If he let you down then surely he should be sorry and want to make things up to you
Also 4 years in a ldr is a long time-do you have plans for the future?

thestamp · 10/09/2017 19:51

Look, there are two likely scenarios here.

Either he has decided he can't be arsed with the relationship anymore and is building up to ending it.

Or, he's punishing you for being angry. He's effectively put you on notice now, you're not to cramp his style by being annoyed ever again because it pisses him off. Effectively he's telling you that how you feel is irrelevant and your primary job is to please him.

I assume you were right to be annoyed. If you were right and reasonable, then what he's doing now is a massive red flag.

If you were being unreasonable in your annoyance, which I can't fully tell from your op due to lack of details, then that might be different. But. Even then. If he respected you and still wanted you to be in a relationship with him, he'd probably not be acting like this. Sorry

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 19:51

Knitter - trying not to out myself without being annoyingly vague... It wasn't really anything that would've affected him, just an administrative thing for me that would've needed his details.

It was the changing his mind and taking ages to do so, not the refusal in itself iyswim.

Hope this isn't a drip feed (not a very experienced mumsnetter!) but it was his parents who persuaded him not to be named on any paperwork.

There was no financial element to the admin.

OP posts:

Shumpalumpa · 10/09/2017 19:52

Sounds like he didn't like you standing up for yourself?

Do you think you consciously or unconsciously go along with him on most things?

Disagreements and how they are resolved are an important part of a relationship. Witness on MN the number of men who give their wives silent treatment, accuse them of being controlling or aggressive when they voice an an opinion. I'd be wary that he is heading in that direction.

Anonymoususer1938 · 10/09/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 20:14

Mrskeats- it is a long time. He's committed to a year in an area where there aren't really any jobs for me ( he moved there quite recently). He's in a very specific field so has to go where the work is for the time being

After his current stint we're planning to move in together.

OP posts:

Anonymoususer1938 · 10/09/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 20:30

Shumpa - we usually resolve things amicably between ourselves, make decisions together. this is our first big disagreement

Anonymous - it's hard to say. I let him know how I felt.

I probably was quite sharp verbally (not shouting or abuse) but looking back over my text messages as objectively as possible, all I see is frustration at him not providing a response, not anger or nastiness

I did apologise though.

OP posts:

KnitterAndTwisted · 10/09/2017 21:34

Oh, I see.
For some reason I imagined him not coming back to join you for some event or something.

Look out for a red flag though; his parents being so influential, and against your interests.

Was there any significant risk to him in what you wanted him to do?

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 21:59

Sorry, I wasn't very clear!

Yes, that is worrying me somewhat. he was all for doing it until they got involved.

No not at all. His information would've been treated confidentially, not shared in any way.

OP posts:

KnitterAndTwisted · 10/09/2017 22:19

Do you feel he is on your side?

HeddaGarbled · 10/09/2017 22:39

I agree with PP - he's punishing you.

This is how it's going to go. You keep grovelling and apologising. He will decide on the length of your punishment and when he's decided you've been punished for long enough, it will all get swept under the carpet. Until the next time you are annoyed with him about something. But will you dare to express your annoyance next time?

Original poster

Stormyweather1 · 10/09/2017 23:32

Knitter - I always have done, we've made a really good team. they don't live near though so haven't much input in our lives.

OP posts:

TrailingWife · 10/09/2017 23:43

To me, it sounds like he was being a shit, and you eventually lost it.

Now he is acting like the real problem is your temper. The only reason he saw your temper is because on you asked him for something that was important to you but he, "dragging it out for weeks, changing his mind at the last minute and refusing."

So, my thought is to ask yourself how reasonable your request was. You don't have to say it here. Was it over the top? If not, it doesn't sound like he is someone you can count on.

Also, I've been married over 20 years, and if my DH couldn't handle me getting upset from time to time, we would not have lasted. Life can be upsetting. If he is waiting for a woman who will never send a terse text, he'll die alone.

TrailingWife · 10/09/2017 23:46

My advice to you is go have fun, and start nurturing some friendships you've been neglecting. Find a way to be REALLY HAPPY, even if you have to work at it. It takes away all his power to jerk you around. If you get back together with him, do it on your terms, not his.

Do not sit around being sad and wait for him to decide its time to get together. Fill you calendar, so that he will have to wait. You don't actually need him, and its really best for him to know that.

sykadelic · 11/09/2017 00:53

Sounds to me like you were either asking to be added to his information as an "in case of emergency" person, or vice-versa (him to yours). If it really was something that innocuous, his lack of interest and that of his parents is very telling.

I'm going to continue to reply based on the above assumption about what it was.

I'd be bothered by how easily he let his parents persuade him to change his mind. You're supposed to be partners and he let them come between you... and it makes it obvious they don't consider yours a real relationship.

I would also be bothered by how strongly he withdraws from you in the face of your disagreement with him. You're "being trained" to keep your feelings to yourself or face his disagreement. He should meet up this weekend in order to properly discuss what happened, you know, like adults.

You should be assessing your relationship (just as he is) based on HIS reactions. Stop apologising and making out like you've done something massively wrong, you haven't. You expressed an emotion. If a FOUR YEAR long relationship him withdrawing like this is is something that would cause me to seriously reconsider the relationship and whether it's a truly happy and equal one.

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/09/2017 00:59

Within reason and the normal boundaries of acceptable behaviour, people generally put in the effort if want a relationship to continue. It's a balance - really his positive feelings for you should outweigh the negative. If it takes something this slight to tip the scales, then it could be he was already distancing himself - this deadline for him moving back to the vicinity, was it soon? Cold feet?

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