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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His wife

9 replies

user1499590110 · 10/09/2017 17:30

I posted a while ago about seeing someone for a reasonably long time, to find out he was in fact married and living with his wife and she had no idea. we found out at the same because of a third party (dont want to go into too much detail).

anyway, literally the day i found out, i ended things with him and told him i never wanted to see him again. she spoke to me briefly and was obviously cold with me (i didnt expect flowers!!!), and said maybe in a few weeks we would meet up, and shed let me know. this was months back and i havent heard from her, and i have no knowledge as to whether they are still together - the last thing she said to me was that she would divorce him. but i genuinely have zero interest in whether that is the case as i really and truly despise the man.

but recently i have started hating myself for not telling her everything. she knew bits when we had the brief one and only chat as mentioned above, but at the time i was in shock, and i feel like an idiot saying this, but i didnt know how much to tell her - i was confused and hurt and knew that the more i said the worse it would be for her, and in that instance i blamed myself, though now i know that he was entirely to blame for living two lives and damaging both me and her. i feel angry and i know he will have lied to her, and still will be if he is with her. when she mentioned coffee i said if she ever wanted to ask me about anythng i would always make time for her - so she knew she could do that, she just hasnt.

i guess im just wondering why? does she not want the truth? will she ever want it? i genuinely do not care one bit if she stayed with him (though obviously i think it would be a huge mistake on her part!!), but i guess i feel as if her silence means she blames me. and that makes me so angry, because had i known anything about her, i would never ever have been involved with him. i also think if i were her, i would want every detail.

OP posts:
Tilapia · 10/09/2017 17:34

Your conscience is clear. You didn't know he was married, and ended it as soon as you found out. It's possible she does blame you (as we're not always rational about such things and it may be easier for her to blame you than him, especially if she decided to stay with him) - but even if she does, that doesn't change the reality of the situation. You did nothing wrong!

Try to put this behind you and move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2017 17:34

What happened was not your fault, but you are not her, and what she wants to know or acknowledge is none of your concern. Hopefully, she has left the cheating bastard, but if she hasn't, that's HER problem. Just let it go and move on.

ButteredScone · 10/09/2017 17:37

Don't try to kid yourself that any interaction would be 'for her'. It sounds like you want to know more about their relationship. That isn't your business.

You've done really well. Just keep on moving away from anything to do with him.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/09/2017 17:41

She probably does blame you at the moment, completely irrational as it wasn't your fault, but imagine how devastating it would be in her position. Do both of you a favour by moving on, you know you weren't to blame so at least you have that to hold onto.

user1493413286 · 10/09/2017 17:52

It could literally be anything. She may not want the details as they're trying again, she might have left him and be wanting to move on or she may feel anger towards you.
If it was me I don't think I'd want to meet with the other woman because if you're but trying again having the details won't help and if you've left the man and starting afresh then having all the details would hurt more.
Basically you've done nothing wrong and how she deals with her pain is about her and not a reflection on you. I wouldn't contact her as if she wants to speak to you she will.

user1499590110 · 10/09/2017 17:59

thanks for replies. i definitely wont be contacting her, but i would talk if she ever wanted to. i have considered whether the interaction would be more for me - i genuinely think i personally would want to speak if i was her, but i do also know that in this situation, i want something out to speaking to her and that is to make sure she knows exactly what he was like. i am moving on and not speaking to him since that day has been the right thing to do, and i have no intention of speaking to him. i just feel like he has most likely managed to lie even more and got away with it.

OP posts:
ConConstance · 10/09/2017 18:00

I have been the OW, if his wife wanted more details she would have asked for them.

Try to move on with your life. If you genuinely didn't know, your not to blame.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/09/2017 18:01

i just feel like he has most likely managed to lie even more and got away with it.
Probably, it often seems to happen, but that is not something you need to worry about.

user1499590110 · 10/09/2017 18:03

im not worried about it, i just wish i hadnt had one conversation with her when i was in utter shock myself. if i had even had a day to take in hie lies then i would have been able to have been clearer and more straight with her. anyway, like you all say, it's better to ignore and move on as i have been doing x

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