Cold feet?

[Snowfire]

I met DP a little over a year ago and felt instantly connected to him. We lived a little way apart but we talked every day and spent as much time together as possible. He seemed strong, dependable and I knew he was the one for me. When we met, he had been separated for 9 months, he had settled all the finance with his ex and they had agreed to divorce after 2 years of separation.
A few months ago, we decided to move in together. I lived with my DD and we are close to her school and my family so it made sense for him to move in with us. He spent more and more time here, and has been slowly moving in for some time to the point where almost everything is here. However, now we seem to have hit a rock. He is self employed and has been working solidly, saying he has no money and doesn't have time to sort his house out. His mortgage payments are quite high (having bought out his ex) and he pays a good amount of maintenance for his dc. Due to the amount of work he is doing, we haven't had any time for us in what feels like ages 😕 our sex life has gone downhill and I feel stuck. I work full time and earn an ok wage, but I am still paying all my bills and am worse off since he has been living here.
I have said that I want him to get his house sorted and rent it out but he just keeps finding more little jobs that need doing, hasn't even spoken to the mortgage company or a letting agency.
I know this situation won't continue forever but today I found his wedding ring hidden in a drawer and I am suddenly questioning everything... of course there has been no mention of the divorce as he is so busy working and faffing with the house.
I think I just needed to write this down and get it all off my chest and I do love him and so want this to work out but I feel like I have no control over this and don't know what to do anymore.

You are in a relationship with someone's husband. I don't think I'd want a boyfriend who was married to some else. I would have not moved in with him till he was divorced.

Sorry you're having a tough time.

The moving in by stealth thing seems to be working for him but not for you.

What do you want to happen? For him to sell his place and officially move into yours and start to contribute financially? That's more than fair enough. As things stand he's having his cake and eating it by staying rather than living with you and getting the benefits of being a guest with none of the responsibilities and obligations of being of proper cohabiting.

Are you cooking, cleaning, doing his washing etc with him just showing up and making a mess? How is that making your life better? He's not putting effort into having quality couple time with you and then has the excuse that you don't really live together and him having his own place.

I wouldn't worry about the wedding ring. I still have mine from my previous marriage in a box somewhere. It doesn't mean anything to me at all but it seemed odd to chuck it in the bin and it's not worth anything.

Being unsettled about seeing it might be because you feel he still have at least one foot in his old life and is reluctant to commit to this new life with you. Which is completely understandable.

The only thing I can think is you need to pull back a lot. He's not living with you properly so only invite him to be there when it suits you and stop playing wife in looking after him because it's easier for him to crash at yours and have some of his stuff there which is costing you money and effort with no benefits.

Let him know finances are becoming strained since he moved in and the income from renting his home is really needed.

How about if you offered to help him with the work that needs to be done. I don't mean by paying, but you can offer to help find builders or letting agents that could manage the work that needs doing.

His response will help you know if he wants to do anything.

It could be that he's just a procrastinator. The wedding ring isn't anything to worry about in my opinion.

Unless he sells it, he would be having it tucked away like he has done.

Both of my wedding rings are in my jewellery box; they're an important part of my life story. As I always say I married two lovely men and divorced two wankers! Don't worry about the ring.

You have moved in together really quickly so maybe he's just feeling very overwhelmed. Do what SandyY2K suggested and try and help with logistics on his house and take your cues from that. It's not easy living in someone else's home. I've done that before and it never really felt like it was really my home despite my ex's assurances. It could be that if he's previously been the dependable provider he's now struggling with his new role.

Time to slam on the breaks and get him out of your home. He is clearly not ready for a serious relationship and red flags are popping up everywhere. Don't doubt your instincts.

If you live in UK you will no longer have the single person council tax decrease in payment if he is living with you. He will also be paying for his property. You can ask him to rent out his house or sell it., but it is his asset and both will take time and he can choose to do nothing. Secondly, you can ask him to divorce, but he may take time to do this. It seems that you got together quickly after the split from his wife. You could ask him for a monetary contribution or ask him to do some DIY or chores round the house /garden. You should not be worse off for him living with you financially or emotionally. You could send him back to his own house until he is divorced

Sounds like you've sleepwalked into something that suits his needs but leaves you worse off. Am not hearing any evidence of this being thought through or implications of both your financial/legal situations discussed..

Also you are now only just realising this man is maybe not as dependable as you believed because you aren working towards a common goal here. You are not setting up home together just hoping things will come together but there is always a lot to sort out in these situations.

Oh and as an aside where do his kids fit in? Does he need to retain this property to see his dc in or is there room at yours? In which case you just have a married boyfriend who is taking the piss and nothing more. Not really a DP.

And I'm afraid a year isn't a long time when there are kids on both sides. A year is quick. You are only starting to get to know him....