To think my relationship is doomed whichever way I choose to go?

[Pinkvoid]

Tricky situation.

I unexpectedly fell pregnant earlier this year. At first DP was adamant I abort, we weren't ready, he wasn't ready to be a father etc. He got quite angry at me and at one stage walked out on me all together, leaving me in pieces. After a week or two he had a total change of heart, came around to the idea and seemed excited.

Then at 11 weeks I miscarried. It was absolutely devastating. I almost died during the miscarriage due to retained 'products' and in turn, haemorrhage. He watched it all unfold and was clearly petrified. I went through a deep depression for a few months after, he supported me throughout.

I'm only just coming out of the woods and have found out I'm pregnant again. He's back to square one insisting on an abortion. I don't really understand that stance after seeing everything we went through the first time and also remembering how he felt when he came around to the idea. I also think if he didn't want another pregnancy that bad, he could have used condoms but never did so I can't get the sole 'blame'.

He effectively split up with me when I told him on Thursday. He collected his things, blocked me everywhere and said I was on my own with it so he suggested I 'do the right thing'. He unblocked me the following day, said he'd spent the night bawling his eyes out and that he couldn't live without me and loves me very much but equally can't have a child.

I can't abort after I miscarried a few months ago, I'm sure anyone could understand why. The miscarriage tore me apart, I blamed myself even though it was completely unavoidable. Here I am choosing to miscarry, it will completely destroy me. It's just not an option for me. I'd rather let the pregnancy unfold and if I miscarry again, at least I know I didn't cause it. I just couldn't live with the guilt.

My DP keeps insisting we don't split up, he needs me and can't live without me etc. But how can we stay together now? If I aborted, I'd be doing it solely for him and I'd resent him for the rest of time. If I keep it, he'll likely resent me for 'forcing' fatherhood on him. Plus when the pregnancy test came up positive, I was absolutely terrified and it brought back so many emotions I'd managed to bury from the miscarriage. I really needed his support but instead he was quite nasty and basically left me. The trust has gone... how can I trust a man that treats me that way? I just don't see how we can go on, I feel it's doomed.

He wants to meet in a public place to discuss it and hopes we can find a 'middle ground'. There isn't really middle ground here, it's quite black and white as far as I can see...

Oh OP what a horrible situation. I'm sorry about your MC and that he was so awful to you. He sounds extremely manipulative and selfish.
Can you manage by yourself with the baby? If so, I'd run a mile from him and keep running.

It would be difficult, I can't lie about that. It would turn my life into even more of a juggling act than it already is but it's not impossible and I just can't see myself living with the idea of an abortion. I just think it would break me. The miscarriage absolutely tore me down, I was a wreck for quite a while and I couldn't even see baby clothes in a shop without bursting into tears . I don't think I'd cope.

Oh what a mess OP. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support your partner has shown.

For me, if he'd rang and said he'd been crying all night as he'd been worried that you'd get ill or suffer complications, it had brought back memories of the mc and he had panicked then I could get past it. But that's not what he said. He's not worried about you and your baby, he's worried about himself. Him not being able to live without you is selfish, he is not concerned about your health or wants this baby.
I'd seriously be planning to have this baby alone.

Tell him to fuck off. As you said, he is not there when you need him most. Its all about him.

You will get over him. Hes just a man x

I've always bent over backwards to relate and empathise with him but I just can't here. I can't really understand his side of things at all.

He didn't want the first baby but realised after not very long that actually, it wasn't the end of the world and he became very excited. Then obviously he saw me experience the miscarriage and how I felt after it. He hasn't used protection, I've got pregnant again and now he's throwing his toys out of the pram again and insisting he can't do it...

I don't know if it's something he'll come to terms with again like last time but equally I'm not sure I'm willing to forgive him for doing this to me again. I really needed support and he just ran .

I'm so so sorry you've been through a very traumatic experience.

I almost died during the miscarriage...... He watched it all unfold and was clearly petrified.

This is what stood out to me from your post - his reaction and behaviour sounds like he's terrified and is trying to protect himself from experiencing this again.

I'm not suggesting that his reaction and behaviour is right/wrong/normal.

If you was my friend IRL I would tell you to be prepared to go it alone. Right now you need to feel loved and supported. He's not showing that by dumping you, demanding you have an abortion and dragging you up and down this emotional rollercoaster.

If you successfully carry this pregnancy full term and have a baby, he sounds like the kind of man that will opt in and out of being a father depending upon how stressed he gets. He may prove us all wrong and step up, but this is what his behavior is indicating at the moment.

Take care of yourself and good luck with how you decide to proceed with or without him.

Be true to yourself.
Whatever you decide, some things will be hard. But it will be much much harder to live a life where your choices were all about keeping other people happy (here your partner - nothing dear about him atm imo) and not about who you are and what your beliefs are.

It's clear that there is no way you can go through an abortion.
I think it's up to him to decide what HE wants. Live with you becaus she loves you so much and leave because he can't stand to be a father?
(Note: I would remind him that regardless of whether he stay with you or he will always be the father of that child and will always have the responsibilities to go with it. As yu said yourself, he did not use a dondom and if he was so so adamant not never have a child, he shouldn't be having PIV altogether. Because that's the only way to ensure that he will not father a child)

Yes my thinking is that he got me pregnant once (despite protection), if he were so adamant he didn't want to be a father then why risk it again? Yet he did and now it feels he's blamed me for making this happen again, as if I were the only one DTD .

I propped him up during the last pregnancy, I was his emotional support rather than the other way around because I was almost made to feel bad for wanting to keep the baby when he didn't want it so felt I had to make him feel as supported as possible.

I've desperately tried to always empathise and relate to him but with this, my sympathies are stretched that step too far. He's being incredibly selfish and has hurt me a lot.

I agree with you that your relationship is doomed. Your partner has proved more than once that you can't rely on him to be there for you when you need him, or to put anyone else's needs above his own. You'll be much better off without him, as you can build a support network for yourself which you know is reliable, rather than never knowing if he'll be there or not. Good luck with your pregnancy

I don't have any advice to give except focus on doing what feels right to you. He seems to expect you to be his emotional support but can't do the same for you. I'm sorry - it's a difficult situation to be in.

I'm in a similar position - 10 weeks pregnant by my now ex who was all excited, talking about moving in together/schools etc, then jumped to not wanting to be with me but would be there for the baby. Now he thinks I should terminate. Just telling you that so you know you're not the only one - sometimes it helps!

I'm so sorry about your previous miscarriage. Look after yourself and take it one day at a time

I would be very suspicious if he changed his mind again. I would be very careful with any food or drink he gives you.

Frankly, I wouldn't have him in the house because the trust is gone.

I'm sorry if this offends you, but I've seen this happen before.

Realistically I think you have two options

1 - leave him and have the baby
2 - Leave him and have a termination.

I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but this man sounds like an immature, emotional wreck. Did you discuss having children after your miscarriage , if so what was his stance then?

I said I wanted another child desperately. I was borderline obsessed with the idea of having another child, it was the only realistic way I could see myself healing at the time. Again, he blew hot and cold. At one stage he said we would of course try again as soon as I emotionally healed, another stage he said maybe we should wait six months and discuss it in full then and see how we feel about it at that stage. Then he suddenly would change his mind and say he absolutely didn't want a child right now. He could never make his mind up! But didn't use condoms, now I actually am pregnant and he's adamant he can't be a father.

Yesterday he was texting me pretending to be my best friend but didn't mention the pregnancy once. I agree about not trusting him, the thought has crossed my mind about him slipping something into a drink! I just thought I was being paranoid. A friend of mine has said he's being so friendly with me to try and win me over so I'll agree to abort.

Keep the baby as you want it so much. Dump the bloke.

You really did pick an idiot to have babies with though and that was clear from the first pregnancy. You're really too upset (totally understandably) to have thought this through and you're now landed with this dickhead for the next 18 years.

Keep the baby, dump the dickhead. He brings nothing positive to your life.

A man who isn't there for you is a bad partner. Dump him, you'll never truly feel emotional safe with him.

I would give him the teensiest opportunity to say that he's just terrified after what happened during the miscarriage. There's a small chance it is that and he is afraid of saying it?

If not, dump him and keep the baby

For your own sanity you need to keep your distance from him or his mind fuckery will negatively impact your MH. Congratulations and get proper real life support.

You really sound like you're blaming him for this pregnancy and you need to stop that. You're equally responsible. You knew he was unsure about pregnancy and you also should have used contraception. So I'm not at all surprised that you're in a situation where he doesn't want to go ahead.
Park that - stop blaming him, it was a joint decision to get pregnant again.

Now that you are, you obviously want to go ahead. I don't blame you - after my miscarriage it was all I wanted too. I really feel for you

Dump him, and start working on the practicality of going it alone then make your decision. (although - your decision is clearly already made - so you'll find a way... and so I'll say congratulations )

I've been in your position OP - almost identical - except DH kept it from me for years that he didn't want the pregnancy, despite having unprotected sex the second time. He is now ex-DH, claiming that I ruined his life by forcing him into parenthood against his (badly communicated) wishes. We have a wonderful 7yo DD and he adores her. He does not adore me. My life has been torn apart.

However, I am so glad I had my DD. I don't think I would've got over my miscarriage had I not had her. My marriage failed for various horrible reasons but amidst my pain and anger is a child I love, and I'd go through anything for her.

As hurtful as his behaviour is, given his past behaviour, his current behaviour isn't that shocking. Prepare to go it alone and stop giving him opportunities to mess with your head because he will take them.

Trying not to be harsh as it won't help you here except maybe to shift the blame attitude as a pp has said. You keep saying he didn't use condoms so has to take responsibility for the pregnancy (which you feel you have no option but to continue because of the fallout from your recent miscarriage.) You also say that after your miscarriage all you wanted was to get pregnant again. However it's almost like you claim the second pregnancy was unplanned (due to neither of you using contraception) and now you have this impossible dilemma due to the physical and mental after effects of the recent miscarriage. He's an idiot for not suggesting you use condoms, I totally agree. However, unless you had agreed that a second pregnancy was the best thing to happen relatively soon after the awful trauma you both suffered, it would have been best if one of you had broached the contraception topic even if just for your own health reasons. Otherwise what did you (both) think would happen? I can see you might not have been thinking clearly in your trauma as you had depression after the miscarriage but equally on some level were you actively or passively hoping to get pregnant? I'm a single parent who went through a hugely traumatic breakup during pregnancy then a very complicated birth and recovery and you better believe I am he biggest stickler for contraception ever because I know even over 2 years on I wouldn't be able to deal with the prospect of going through that again, I had major PND and I am still healing. I just think it seems like you wanted or expected to find yourself in this situation sooner or later and it's hardly surprising. However I do think he should have taken control and asked you about contraception, not that he could force you to start taking any pills or whatever.
Anyway maybe something to think about, maybe you wanted this to happen on some level, even if just to get closure/clarity on the future of your relaidonshop. If you had MH issues this kind of thing is not unusual. Myself I got pregnant by a man who used and abused me and ignored me constantly but I seemed hell bent on conceiving his baby. It turned out to be one of the worst decisions I made, but also one of the best as my DC is my world, thriving now at 2 and a half.
Look after yourself and good luck whatever you do