Feeling like a failure

[LostMyselfSomehow]

My marriage is breaking down and I feel like a failure. I am heartbroken that I have let my DC down so badly. Not sure how my life came to this.

I don't even know what to write. How do I get up in the morning and carry on knowing that I couldn't give my kids the life they deserve.

Your kids deserve not living in a dysfunctional relationship. I say that from the heart as someone who has very recently left her husband.
They deserve to see you happy.
It's hard, bloody hard. But you can do it.

I know. You're right. I just never thought I would end up here.

My DS started crying tonight and said 'mummy I am sorry Dad made you upset'. That broke my heart.

I don't want my marriage to be over but maybe I'm fooling myself thinking we can make it work.

I am so very grateful my parents split up when I was a child. They made each other unhappy and though they never argued in front of us we knew! Yes it took a bit of getting used to and we had some difficult times as a family getting to the new normal. But they were and are happier, they're actually great friends now and despite the trauma for both of them of their divorce they tried to always put us first and we're a very close family now. My mum even gets on very well with my stepmum, which can be a bit weird, but it's lovely for everyone.

My DSC have said several times they're glad mum and dad no longer argue and are happier apart. Divorce sucks but it's sometimes a fresh start as well as a sad end.

Your DC deserve happy parents not married parents.

It'll be okay.

How old are your DCs Lost?

I felt exactly the same about letting my DC down. I felt I'd ruined their lives. But we are all happier and more relaxed now. They get a far better me.
It's really hard OP, I get it.

Thanks Anne very wise words and not the 1st time I heard someone say similar.

I just can't imagine life with just me and the DC without DH here. Christmas, birthdays, first day at school or even a random Tuesday evening.

Maybe I am in denial and just delaying the inevitable.

We are both struggling in our relationship but he said some things tonight that were so hurtful. We are 2 different people. They say opposites attract but how do opposites make a marriage work.

DC's are 4 and 7. So young. If we split up they probably won't even remember mummy and daddy together.

I do love my DH but realised love isn't enough. I have been so frustrated with him for such a long time. Since the DC came along and all of the responsibility of life fell to me.

How are you doing today Lost?

Thanks for checking in Purple. I'm ok. DH is at work all day. Left before we got up. No idea if he is coming home.

I just feel so sad. I feel jealous of all the people who married the right person. Someone they could get along with. Why couldn't I manage that?

We've been together 13 yrs and married for 8 yrs.

Lost - you would have thought I was one of those people living in a happy relationship. It's amazing what you can hide.
Do you want to talk about what's going on?
I'm at work but checking in throughout he day.

I don't know where to start. We are really so different. I am organised and think that things are better thought through. I understand the responsibility that comes with marriage and DC.

DH will tell you himself he can't organise and doesn't think about thinking ahead. This means everything falls to me. He takes the bins out and the dog to the vet and the car for its MOT. I do everything else.

When I tell him other stuff he will do it. But having to remind someone every week that the food shopping needs to be done or the bathroom needs to be cleaned really starts to get frustrating after so many years.

Also the big things like buying houses, enrolling the DC in school, managing the finances all fall to me. He regularly goes into his overdraft even though he earns more than me as I work PT now to mind the DC. I also arrange all childcare for DC.

I guess I just had enough one day and told him because I was starting to resent him.

He thinks I am putting him down and thinks I am being too particular. When I ask him what he considers too particular he can't recall anything. Am I being too particular wanting the DC to eat home cooked meals rather than take away? Am I too particular wanting to have a clean toilet? But I cleaned it last week, is often his response.

We can't seem to get on the same page.

Lost I know how you feel. My ex was like your husband. I tried so hard to get him to step up and he just wouldn't. I lost all respect for him in the end. Men like this don't change, why should they?

Being a single parent is hard, but I have more time to myself now when the kids are with him, and I'm beginning to rediscover me as a person.

I feel jealous of my friends with partners who aren't selfish. I wonder how I got it so wrong. But it's not my fault that my ex turned out to be a selfish git. It's not your fault either. Get out of the relationship before the resentment and anger eat you up.

Ruby That's exactly it. I keep trying to get him to step up but struggle to see how he can't see that DC2 needs new clothes and shoes that fit!

It's like he thinks I was given a manual the day I was born and unfortunately they ran out of the how to do everything in life manual when DH was born.

He is not a bad person but he gets really aggressive (verbally only) when he's frustrated and I don't deserve that.

To people on the outside we have a great marriage and life. It's true we can hide so much and never really know what goes on in other marriages.

Whatever happens I am so grateful to you all for your support. Just knowing I am not alone has been enough to get me through the day today.

That does sound really frustrating; and it's understandable why you've lost respect for him (if he can't organise a piss-up in a brewery) - it's almost like he wants a Mummy/Personal Assistant to run his life for him.

Unsurprisingly, you've ended up feeling resentment- and that's a killer in relationships.

I feel so much better about what the future might hold just speaking to you all. Thank you so much.

It's not only about the fact that I asked him to fix the broken light in the sitting room months ago and he hasn't... it's about days out, holidays, plans for the future. He doesn't make them.

Every single holiday home or away for the last 13yrs has been thought up by and arranged by me.

He seems to just be happy to plod along with life, not bothered if he used mouldy bread for our picnic sandwiches because no one died.

I wonder if anyone has been in this situation and managed to make the relationship work?

Lost - I'm sorry. I actually got busy at work for a change!

I lost all respect for my exH. He did zero for me, not even the vets or rubbish! He thinks he loves me but he doesn't. He loves the idea of me. I had 3 kids for a while and now I've got rid of the 1 big one the other two are easy! I ended up resenting him beyond limits. Until I couldn't look at him without contempt. I realised I didn't love him and the thought of sex with him (which was always crap because he's a selfish tit) was awful.

I've been separated 3 months. The first one was really hard as I beat myself up and took all the guilt on myself. But these last two months are much better. Single parenting is hard. But at the end of the day when the kids are in bed I can relax. It's lovely.

Do you still have any positive feelings for him?

Good to be busy at work! Makes the time pass quicker

Sounds so similar our situations. I definitely have 3 kids! 2 that I chose to have and the big 1 that should have grown up ages ago!

Good on you for doing what was right for you. I am happy for you that it has all worked out and although a struggle you are in a better place. How old are your DC?

I do love him but I don't know how to get past my resentment and frustration. Right now I feel more negative about him than positive. I wish we could get past this and have a happy life.

I don't know if he is selfish maybe just completely clueless. But that's just as bad.

He's not home yet but text me earlier saying he is coming home and he lives me and the DC very much.

*loves not lives

My DC are 5 and 7.
The reason I asked if you still love him is I believe that if you still have feelings then it's worth being very very upfront and telling him. Give it a go. It might mean you have to be very explicit in your feelings.
If I had had any feelings for my ex H then it would have made things very difficult as he constantly begs me to take him back. I would have caved I think.
It has taken me ending the relationship for him to take any notice and even now he's dismissing my thoughts and telling me how wonderfully he's treated me
If you do sit down and lay it out then give it a time frame to work and stick to it.
I don't know you but I can tell you, you are worth more than playing mummy to a grown man. You are the prize and he needs to keep working on that with you.

Would you think about counselling together, OP? If there's still some love there, it might be worth a try.

So he came home and we talked. I was very honest. I think he would love me to beg him to stay but he has to want change and want to stay. I want to make this work but am being realistic now.

We have set some things in place that we will try for the next 2 weeks and see where it takes us.

I do love him but the resentment has taken over and I am afraid one day it will be all I feel and then there is no going back. That makes me feel sad.

You seem so strong purple not to cave. You exH obviously realised what he had once it was too late.

We did try counselling earlier this year but I really don't think she was the right counsellor for us. She just kept talking every week about the food shopping and making a list together and stuff. She really didn't see the bigger picture. Maybe we might try again.

Lost - I appear strong as I realised I don't love him and we both need a chance to be happy. I've had some really really low points but currently going through a much better patch.
I made myself very ill early this year worrying about what to do. Anything is better than that frankly.

I think the fact you have realised what's going on and are willing to do something about it is great. Good luck with everything.

Keep posting or PM me if you want to talk/rant about anything.

When I was where you are I really wanted to talk through it with someone who knew.

Essentially you want your H to be someone he's never been and someone whose behaviour you've enabled for the majority of your relationship. You say that the counsellor wasn't seeing the bigger picture because her focus was on the smaller stuff but maybe, her incremental approach was far more realistic than your expectation of a 'new' him.

I'm not saying that your want for him to be different is unfair but I do think that it's unrealistic (in the short term at least) and maybe you've already passed the point of no return but fear keeps you on the merry go round.

There was a point (one of many) when I realised that a more organised, thoughtful version of my Ex wasn't around the corner waiting for me to fall back in love with. The relationship ended with a bang (DV) but its decline started with thousand paper cuts, over the years I had come up with work arounds and compromises that stopped me from going crazy but not only didn't change him, they enabled more unsatisfactory behaviour. I hate to say it but unfortunately, DV was the wake up call I needed because if it hadn't of happened, our poor relationship could have been the final resting place of my spirit.

I think you know deep down that your marriage is over but understandably, you're scared but I think more waiting around for him to be the person he never was, is a waste of time and just adds to your inertia. I think your energies are better spent by getting solo counselling and preparing mentally and financial for a split, if he does the unexpected and changes for the better, than great but if he doesn't, hopefully your proactivity will help combat the fear.

Thank you purple you have been amazing and helped me through a few tough days.

Isetan I really appreciate your words too. I don't think I want DH is change as such, well not who he is as a person. I want us to work better together and for him to take up his part of the responsibilities that come with life. Not to change himself as a person but to make an effort and understand he has to pull his weight. We all have to face difficult change in life and I think some people are better at it than others. But we should never refuse to try when it's for the better of our family.

I am very realistic. I know there is no perfect H out there or no perfect marriage. I just want a marriage that works. Maybe I am hoping for something that will never happen but while there is some hope and love left I want to try.

I am sorry for what you went through and if DV ever became a part if this I would do the same as you and that would be a clear end.

Great posts by purple and Isetan

"more waiting around for him to be the person he never was, is a waste of time and just adds to your inertia"

This is so true. My ex was fantastic, or so I thought, in the first couple of years of our relationship, and I kept waiting around for that person to reappear, but it was never the real him. I was held back by fear of the unknown and shame at having failed at marriage. But you can;t make a marriage work with only one person trying.

"I do love him but the resentment has taken over and I am afraid one day it will be all I feel and then there is no going back. That makes me feel sad."

Don't be me. I did stay on past the resentment. It nearly destroyed me and I'm going ot be picking up the pieces for years. Meanwhile my ex flitted off to another relationship straight away.