How do I trust my own Mother again?

[astrongdrink]

For a while, I have not particularly liked the person my mother has become. I am not sure I know her anymore; 6 years ago, she completely uprooted her life and moved hundreds of miles away after having an affair. Her boyfriend is a waste of space: doesn't work, drinks, is socially awkward.

Last week, my DD started school and I send DM a photograph of DD in her school uniform. I do not use social media, however I know DM does to an embarrassing amount, divulging all sorts of nonsense that my friends and family tell me about. Therefore, I specifically asked her not to share the photograph on social media. I did not explain why, but asked her not to. I do not want a picture of my child wearing a uniform on social media as I am from a small town and it would be obvious to DM'S friends as to which school DD is attending and I don't know who shes friends with. Each to their own, but this is my preference.

At 9pm that evening, I received a text from a friend telling me how cute DD looks in her school uniform.
Hey?
only to discover that, against my wishes, DM has plastered her picture on facebook for all to see. School emblem on show.
I was furious and called DM to remove the picture immediately. She did so and apologised quite in sincerely. I've expressed how hurt I am that she so obviously went against my wishes, but defends herself saying "well I deleted it when you asked."
Obviously isn't the point when I asked her not to share on the first place! She tells me I need to "let it go." But I feel so let down its untrue. How do I ever trust her again? Next week, we are to visit her for a few days and I feel sick at the thought of being in her company after what she has done.

Would you be able to trust her again?

Please don't turn this into a debate about what is or isn't ok to share on social media, I think everyone is entitled to their own points of view. The point is, I asked her it to share and she did so anyway and in my opinion , put DD at risk. I'm so angry.

drink,

re your comment:-
"I do not use social media, however I know DM does to an embarrassing amount, divulging all sorts of nonsense that my friends and family tell me about"

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but given this information it was not a good idea to send such a photo to your mother in the first place. It was a given that she would put this on FB despite you asking her not to do so. Your mother continues to be selfish and only think of her own self interest here. She has not really apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. She disrespected a boundary you set for her and I would have thought her own boundaries in relationships are not great in any case.

I would cancel next week's visit and cite illness; there is no law to say you should spend time with people who make you feel this uncomfortable. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

I wouldn't give her another photo to be honest.

I ask my family to not put pictures of DD online, because these images will be there forever. It is our decision to make. SIL ignores this so now SIL doesn't get photos sent to her. I also try to avoid pictures when we are visiting.

My mother told me that she has polycystic ovaries too after I've been struggling to conceive (she never had trouble). I'd had a scan and was upset... turns out she lied to me and doesn't / never had polycystic ovaries.

Relationships with mothers are HARD when you're the adult and she's a juvenile... but this sounds like the (relatively tame) tip of a proverbial iceberg? Not the most massive deal, a small betrayal.

Tell her how it makes you feel. Her reaction to that will tell you what to do next...

How do you trust her again? You don't.

She's going to do what she thinks best, and what she thinks best is what she wants to do.

Don't visit her next week. Take some time away from her, and think about how things are.

I loathe facebook.... so don't have it ... I'm sorry this keeps happening... I agree with the others... don't send any photos again

Don't visit her next week. She doesn't deserve it.

People seem to think they have some sort of right to put pictures of others on Social Media.

I thought I was within my rights to say that I didnt want a certain photo on Internet but someone and their troll type buddies had a right go at me, very bullying. No more photos have been seen by that person.
It causes so much trouble. Why dont people think before posting

I never expected her to share the picture after I'd asked her not to Attila. It's has genuinely shocked me that she went against my wishes anyway. It makes me question our whole relationship. Does she have any respect for me and my boundaries at all etc?

FB really does cause all sorta of trouble, but I think if it's used responsibly, then fine.
I really don't want to visit now, but hotel etc is booked, DM has taken time off work, rearranged my work days etc, I don't see a way out of it. But I'm dreading it.

Just received the "I've said sorry, what else do you want me to say" message from DM, following her stating that she is the one who should be feeling let down, not me! I just have no idea how to continue a relationship with her... she's become so unreasonable.

Cancel, and when she gets upset just say 'I've said sorry, what else do you want me to say?'

I'd still cancel next week's visit despite all that and send afterwards her "I've said sorry, what else do you want me to say" non apology text your mother sent you.

She neither respects you or your boundaries. This may well be the incident that makes you properly reassess your whole relationship with your mother. She to my mind is selfish and is herself with a waste of a space boyfriend. That also tells me that her own boundaries are way off in any case and she is for her own self.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

If you're dreading going, then don't go. The cost will be too high.

Could you transfer your booking to another hotel, somewhere else? If it's a hotel in a chain this might well be possible. If not, then you can still go but you don't have to spend time with your mother. Do all the sightseeing things you don't usually do.

I wouldn't go either OP

I don't put my child on social media either. My mil doesn't agree but respects it.

I also don't trust my mother. It's sad, it sucks but it's the reality.

If you cancel, you set a definite and clear boundary. There are consequences for her actions.

If you don't, have a clear idea in your head about what you will do next time she does something like that. Make sure you tell her and make sure you follow through.

I understand why you feel very upset, but not going is an overreaction.

Seems to me there's two issues here: firstly that she went against your express wishes not to put up the photo. Secondly that she's changing.

The solution to the first is easy: No more photos and if she asks for more, say no and why. If she protests, keep calm and say that you'd simply rather not. She'll protest, but let her and simply keep to your decision.

The second is much, much the hardest. Your mum is changing and from the sound of it is no longer the reliable, trustworthy mum she used to be.

It's a kind of loss; the woman and mother she is now, is not the woman and mother she was; your mum. It's very very hard to cope with but sometimes people do change when they meet their second partner ...a lot of people find that they lose their parents in a way when they meet someone else :( You think they'll be there forever and then suddenly the emotional bedrock of your life is rocked as they change and become frankly less loving.

It takes time to come to terms with and kind of mourn the loss of the person she was. You can't rely on or quite trust her in the same way. She's got feet of clay now. But she is still your mum and in her way she loves you. I think this visit might be strained but I think you should go, even though it will be hard.

I am still off with mine for a similar breach of trust to do with my DC earlier this year. I asked her not to do something explicitly; she waited a week, did it and then told me about it almost gleefully.

I would have accepted an immediate apology eg I forgot you had asked me, I am sorry etc. I dont hold grudges and would have accepted that at face value. However her reaction to my anger about the lack of trust was that I should seek help. (The underlying message being that she had and would continue to ignore my wishes, if her own views didnt agree). She has gaslighted me before on similar matters.

The trust is broken. I went very low contact for a number of weeks. What she doesnt know is if she ever does it again I will go no contact. She and my dad are in their 80s but I am still so angry.

I understand why you feel very upset, but not going is an overreaction.

No, it really isn't.

If the OP is still too hurt to want to see her mother, going now could cause even more friction between them. Waiting, working out how she feels, might well be a more constructive way to behave.