Unmarried couple splitting

[malika54]

Just after practical advice really. I have been with my partner for nearly 13 years, we have 2 DC's (3 and 9). I am ready to leave him, after 2 years of hesitating/ staying for the kids. I just wanted some practical advice about how you broke the news to your OH and the DC's, how did everyone cope, how did you organise yourselves, did you sell the house, what difficulties you encountered, and most importantly of all, are your children and yourselves happy in your next chapter? Thank you so much for your help

Malika. My situation is a bit different that the children's dad left me after 13 years together. We both sat down with the children 10 and 5. And explained that daddy was going to live with friends. And he was u happy living with mummy. We both loved them. And they will see him lots and can call him anytime. And it's ok to be sad because we are all sad.

I backed this up with follow up conversations. Letting them know they can talk and ask questions if they wanted. After about a week they just adjusted. Although he works away so it is very normal for him not to be around.

We haven't sorted regular contact. But we need to. So the kids know when they are seeing him and get regular visits. But it is early days here.

The house was mine before we met and we havedebts of his in the mortgage. So as it stands he leaves with nothing.

Hope all goes smoothly for you all.

What @eve34 said.

And good luck.

OP it sort of depends, in my opinion, how homelife has been recently, why are you splitting? Will they be shocked and surprised? Or relieved as they've seen so many arguments? Do they have a great relationship or not so much? Etc etc . Sorry for all the q's but I think there isn't really a one size fits all in this situation.
My dc were 10 and 3 - home had become like a pressure cooker with their EA father so when he finally was forced out of the house, I think an atmosphere of relief descended. My 10yo knew what had been going on (partly why I had to get rid) so I didn't really have that much explaining to do.

Oh and also, mumsnet was an immense source of support for me in getting the strength to go through with it and afterwards so please know that there are so many supportive people on here who have heard it all. Keep posting if you can, it will help

It was horrendous for a good 3 months. Everyone outside the relationship was shocked, which didn't help (no DC though). We managed to sort out the house and finances amicably, with close friends in attendance to keep the peace and give moral support while we discussed everything. That was a smart move. I've since lost some friends and my relationship with his family, but I'm still glad I did it. Good luck and take care of yourself.

No shouting matches here. Neither of us ever shouts, just plenty of huffing/ sulking so not sure whether the kids even notice as never in front of them. He works long hours anyway, so none of us sees much of him. In appearance everything is well. In reality, I feel disrespected and like my voice doesn't matter at all. He is only affectionate when he wants sex, and we pretty much live lile housemates rather than a couple. We have our happy times, but they are very rare now. I just feel like we have been going round in circles, always the same issues coming back, nothing being resolved. Whenever I bring issues up he just defends himself by accusing me of doing this and that, so we can't have a rational conversation where he doesn't rubbish how I feel by either telling me I'm wrong or by bringing his own issues with me up.
The nails in the coffin for me weresl seeing his mindfucking me for what it was, and his lack of emotional support/ understanding when I had depression. I didn't leave him at the time because I feared it was the depression talking iyswim, and wanted to make a rational decision to leave him when my mental state was good and my mind clear.

malika - this makes me very sad, because I suddenly see my own similar situation more clearly. No advice, sorry, but I hope it all works out for you.

supersop