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Original poster

I slept in "my room" last night

18 replies

Onlytheyoungones · 09/09/2017 12:30

H snores (dreadfully - you can hear in adjoining rooms!). He won't do anything about it (I know it's may not be solvable but he doesn't even try). We just returned from a week's holiday, obviously sharing a bed/room so 8 nights of disturbed sleep, being woken every hour/half hour, give him a nudge, he stops and I try to get back to sleep. I did mention the issue when we were away. His response to me saying I only get 2 to 3 hours sleep night was.......silence. So when I returned, very tired from the holiday anyway I slept in the spare room. We have a long standing agreement that if he is out drinking (and he drinks a lot (even though he has been diagnosed with cirrhosis)) he sleeps in the spare room, so on the 2 nights he was out this week we swapped and he was in the spare room and I was in my lovely bed (soft linen) in my lovely room (with all my bits, photos, clothes, etc). Yesterday I asked him where he found something (unrelated) and he said "outside your room". I don't know what to make of this. I'm cross that he seems happy to let me move when I really don't want to, while I feel he should as he is causing my problem?

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 09/09/2017 12:35

Easiest might be to just make the 'spare' room your room. Or talk to him and get him to officially take over the other room. Either way, probably stop classifying it as the spare room and both admit you now sleep separately, which is perhaps the real issue

StarfishSeahorse · 09/09/2017 12:41

He's the problem, take his stuff from your room and put it in the spare room then get a kiddies name plate of his name and stick on the door.
If he wants to behave like a child and ignore his health issues and the effect it's having on your relationship then he can be treated like one.

PolkaDotty7 · 09/09/2017 12:43

You should have the nice room and him in the spare room.

Believeitornot · 09/09/2017 12:44

He's obviously too scared to go to the doctors and get it fixed.

My dh at least went to the docs and they did a sleep survey but dh didn't do it properly. So I'm nagging again

Timeforabiscuit · 09/09/2017 12:48

If you start sleeping apart on a more permanent basis, how do you think that will affect intimacy in your relationship?

In mine it would be red flag bunting time, but if youre both fine with it lots of couples prefer it - maybe trial the set up for a couple of weeks and then have a very honest conversation about arrangements going forward?

Ropsleybunny · 09/09/2017 12:52

We sleep separately due to DH's snoring. It's torture being woken up by a snorting train, every five minutes. I just couldn't go on with the sleepless nights. I now have the master bedroom with the big double bed, TV and ensuite. He has the spare room.😎

Amara123 · 09/09/2017 12:56

Just to say alcohol consumption can contribute to snoring. This sounds to me to be the main issue here, cirrhosis is very serious. No easy answers but look after yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2017 13:00

Why won't he do anything about this?. Its not just you that is being affected here; its his heath as well. Is he that selfish to all around him?. He may well be scared but that's not a good enough reason not to see a medical person. This will bite him hard ultimately and could put him in hospital; such problems do not go away of their own accord.

I would record his snoring and play this sound to his GP to ask what this person thinks. He ignores this at his peril; this is a ticking timebomb and this will go off soon enough. He may well have sleep apnoea and alcohol consumption can cause snoring issues as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2017 13:00

Why are you with him still OP?

Hulder · 09/09/2017 13:06

He's got cirrhosis because he drinks too much and he still won't cut down/stop.

Frankly that's a bigger issue than not seeing the doctor about his snoring. Which he clearly is not going to do as he won't do anything about his health.

Move into the spare room and start considering what his good points are. Whether you are together or not, he is en route to an early death from liver disease.

happypoobum · 09/09/2017 13:06

I had to sleep separately from XH because of this.

DC tell me his new wife nags him endlessly about his snoring but he won't lose weight or stop drinking (which is what causes his snoring, appreciate it's not the cause for everyone) so she is stuck with it and him

OP you and DH need to agree on who will have which room. If you need to make the other room nice, I would go all out to do that. Have it redecorated, new furniture and bedding etc.

You might even find it exciting arranging conjugal visits

On the other hand, XFIL snores so loudly the people in the house opposite can hear him, so it may not be a long term solution, in which case he will have to get his arse to the doctors and at least try to reduce the impact he is having on you.

Not sleeping is a real health issue and he needs to recognise that.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/09/2017 13:07

I banished mine years ago and I love it. Face it - lack of sleep causes health problems. This way, I get my niiice sleep and he gets to keep his testicles. Win / Win.

Silvercatowner · 09/09/2017 13:44

I'm mid 50s and have slept apart from my husband for about 4 years now (we've been married 30 years). He snores and I'm a light sleeper, we both sleep much better when we are apart. No intimacy issues!

PlayingGrownUp · 09/09/2017 13:49

We have separate rooms (he snores so bad and i flail in my sleep - once leaving him with a broke nose!) I have my room decorated the way I like it (first time I've ever had a pink bedroom!) and he has his the way he likes it (I think it's too dark with the black out blind) and it works really well. I do late shifts now and it works even better! I think there's definitely deeper issues in you post but separate rooms are fine

Amber111 · 10/09/2017 15:32

We've been married 11 years and mid thirties, we've had separate bedrooms for the last 4 and it works well for us, no intimacy issues. I have a long term chronic health condition with chronic pain making me toss turn and get up and down to the toilet a lot in the night, and he is a very light sleeper and has periods of insomnia who also has to be up at 5am for work, sleeping together was actually making us both ratty with each other and I felt terrible I was the cause of his exhaustion. He is also lovely and so when the occasional night of him heading off to the spare room finally became the realisation we were both much better off sleeping apart, he said he'd happily make the spare his room and I get the main bedroom as it's next to the toilet for my nocturnal trips! We spend the evenings cuddled on the sofa watching tv and chatting then both go up and get ready for bed at the same time, we have the choice of either room for more cuddles and any intimacy which we both feel is important for us, only difference nowadays is after a cuddle and kiss goodnight we get into separate beds. I don't see him in the weekday mornings where he's up at 5 for work, but at weekends he brings tea in and wakes me up with a cuddle then we chill out there for a bit before the day starts. If you're at the end you f your tether with lack of sleep because of your dh and you have a spare room with a big enough bed for one of you, I say do it, he needs to get his health issues under control as well though, he may be worried and sticking his head in the sand but he can't do that forever and it not have consequences for both of you xx

grannytomine · 10/09/2017 16:10

I have two rooms, he has the main bedroom and I have a blue room and a yellow room. I have months in one room and then move into the other one for a change. One has more road noise so it is my winter room, the other room no road noise and I can have windows open so it is my summer room. I am a terrible sleeper anyway so sleeping while someone else snores is impossible and it makes me angry and resentful.

RubyGoat · 10/09/2017 16:18

If the snoring isthe only issue in your relationship, is there any reason why you can't have separate bedrooms but still maintain a great relationship in every other way? You each get your own space, he doesn't have to worry about keeping you awake or you repeatedly mentioning the snoring. You would no doubt be well rested & happier. Can you suggest it as a positive thing? Could you manage without the spare room on a permanent basis if one of you moved there properly?

Ewanwhosearmy · 10/09/2017 16:43

My DH has snored like a freight train since he was young. He always refused to sort it out. Once we'd moved and had a nice doctor I made a double appointment and dragged him along. He was referred to the sleep clinic, diagnosed with sleep apnoea and given a CPAP machine.

Then he moved into the spare room because there was nowhere in the main bedroom to plug in the machine!

We have a annoying 10 yo who floats between the 2 of us. (She does have a room of her very own but chooses not to use it; she hasn't been chucked out of her room) I look forward to "his" nights so I get a peaceful sleep (he does likewise). But it works for us, and stops all the arguments about who is pulling the duvet/who is hot/cold etc.

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