What would you do?

[ChickenlessHead]

Situation is this. Dh and I are splitting up. There's no one else (apparently) on either side. Been married 6 years - 2 dc 5yo and 2yo. I'm a sahm, DH works in London. He earns approx 250k a year and commutes 1.5 hours each way a day. If he left this job he has a professional qualification that would allow him to work in most places for a salary of approx 50k a year. If he left his job, went somewhere else then returned to London he would be looking at jobs earning approx 90k.

We currently live in a nice house with land in SE. House worth about 900k, with about 500k equity. I'm deeply unhappy here. We moved when dc1 was a baby and I still don't really have any friends, I've suffered terribly with pnd and my marriage has fallen apart here.

Dc1 is in yr1 at a school that is walkable and lovely. However, after this year they do combined classes. So he'll go from being the youngest in his class of 16 to being the youngest in a class of 32 with some kids nearly 2 years older.

Options are -
1 - stay where we are. Dh commuting means he doesn't see dc's mon-fri. Dh and I are currently amicable and we'd have to wait and see how we'd handle it if/ when we meet other people.

2 - I love with boys back to SW where my family are. We'd split equity in the house so I'd have 250k to spend on a house. Doable in DM's town for a 3 bed house. Dh would but flat near work in London for 500k ish and see kids EOW by them going to him or him coming to us and me decamping to my DM's house. Dh likes this idea and may even be able to condense his work slightly to have 3 day weekend EOW. Dc would have to move schools, schools are good in hometown but there's a lot more poverty than dc is used to so it may be a bit of a shock for him. I would also be able to return to work as my dm would be able to do wrap around care (dc1 has some additional needs that mean after school club isn't suitable).

3 - move to London. We could buy two, two bedroom flats near to dh's work for 500k each. This would mean dh could have them overnight in the week as well as EOW. I've never lived in a flat or a city but do see the benefit of there being so much for dc's to do there. There are also very good schools near dh's work although hugely oversubscribed so don't know how that would work when moving.

Gosh sorry, didn't realise that was quite so long!

I think it depends on the level of support you think you'll need initially; moving to London sounds pretty isolated and if you've struggled with building a support network where you are currently, you're probably not going to find it easy moving to London.

Living together long-term would be tricky. Trekking all the way to and from London with a small child EOW to give DH his time would be tricky, as would decamping from your new home to your Mums house. Is there any way you and DS could temporarily live with your DM while you work out what it is you'd most like to do?

Personally, I think whichever option allows the kids to be with their dad the most is the best option. Is your husband a good dad, and so the kids love to be with him? Having their dad as a regular part of their lives is so important.

What are you feeling about each option?

Where will it be easier for you to get a job because I wouldn't be counting on your DH supporting you indefinitely.
You have no idea what the future holds regarding your DH and who he will meet, where he will move etc etc so you need to make choices that work for you in the long term.
Think about yourself and what's best for you.

At the moment you're approaching this from a mutual POV. You have no idea for how long your DH will be involved/single.

Do what is best for you and your DC.

I think moving back somewhere with family support is a good option, as you need to think about working and the long term. I don't think you decamping to your mum's would work long term though. What if he brought a girlfriend, are you going to have her in your house too? You may end up less amicable and find it awful for him to be in your space. Maybe if he was willing to help you buy somewhere with a granny annex or similar so he could stay without having to be in your home?

I think London would be a mistake, very expensive - could you earn enough there to pay childcare, have a life there without financial support from him?

I think you need to imagine the 'worst case scenario' (ExDH in a relationship, offering less financial support and not available or willing to be flexible with his time for the DC) how would you be best equipped to deal with that scenario.

I feel you would be best in your own home, close to your DM, earning your own money.

Hopefully worst case scenario won't materialise.

Agree re family support for you being an important consideration but also have you seen a solicitor about the split of equity etc? You being primary carer could be entitled to a larger proportion of the house/ pensions etc. You would be naive to not see one imo.

For me I would love back to my hometown in a heartbeat. I'm a very reluctant sahm (dc1 has additional needs and as my salary was 10% of dh's obviously I was the one that had to stay at home) and hugely miss working. I also miss my family very much. But I'm also very aware that moving dc's 300 miles from where we currently live would be hard on both dh and dc's.

I haven't spoken to solicitor as yet. I feel I can trust dh to provide what he says he will, but that's what everyone says isn't it?

Dh is a relatively good father when he's here. He needs very specific instructions (if I don't lay out an outfit for dc1 and dh is getting him dressed he'll end up in jodhpurs and a rash vest for example) and has never taken dc's out on his own. Whenever I go anywhere and leave him in charge (rarely) I can guarantee they'll be in front of CBeebies the entire time and fed beans on toast if they're lucky. But I don't doubt he loves them dearly and they love him. Perhaps if left to his own devices he will be better than at present.

By the sounds of it you want to be close to family

And being a single parent is hard enough so get all the support you can

Your ex was hardly around
So why would that change?

If you can find work to support yourself in your home town then go vack

Currently he only sees the dc at the weekends, so actually you moving away and him seeing them EOW perhaps having a 3day weekend, would be very little difference to the dc - and he would spend it with them solidly.

As pp have said, you're possibly entitled to a better split of the assets. You should get professional advice.

#2 imo.

You've got to assume that he will become more and more useless and disengaged as time goes on. Hopefully it won't happen but preparing for the worst is prudent.

Do see a solicitor. You need a game plan that can be borne out irl without you suddenly coming a cropper when dh pulls out the SHL. For example you could split equity without getting it all in writing, and later dh might come after you to sell the house you've just bought because he's lost his job or something. You just never know. Again, plan for worst case scenario

The children are v young and will adapt. You need a career and a life. If you don't have those, you'll make the kids miserable when you're elderly without savings and a support network

I think it sounds like you will be more fulfilled & settled in your hometown and it may sound twee but happy mums make happy kids. While they'll only see their dad eow this will be quality time where he can concentrate on them & it sounds like they'll be in their home environment instead of say a midweek overnighter in London where he's maybe stressed from finishing work on time, they've got homework, left favourite toy at yours & so on. How would you feel if you both move to London, he gets a new partner, moves back out of the city with her & you & dc's are left behind