Am i overreacting?

[Uptooearly16]

Hi, I've never posted on here before but need some other opinions about whether I'm being fair. A bit of background, DH and I met almost 4 years ago, we each had 1 child who were close in age. We fell in love at first sight, everything happened really quickly and we had another child a year after we met and have since had another one. DD was a terrible sleeper and the more tired we got the worse the arguments became. DS2 (11 Months) has been much better and although we're getting more sleep the arguments have carried on. Last night we were going out and he walked in as I was getting ready, I had decided to put 'naughty' undies on, he walked in didn't react. In fairness the kids were outside the door but anyway I was upset and said to him that I'm insecure at the moment and that he hadn't said anything. He got really pissed off stormed out saying I'd been trying to pick a fight etc etc. We went out for the evening, managed not to speak at all to each other and then when we got home he went crazy. I was trying to say I wasn't cross just upset and feeling insecure but cross about the way that he reacted to me and I got the usual barrage that I get - I'm not normal, I'm mental, I'm a fucking idiot, I'm fucking stupid, he wants to go to sleep, I thrive on drama. I got really upset, tried to leave the house and he threatened to call the police if I took 'his' car. We're now not speaking. I don't know if I am overreacting, he's just so mean when we fight, he shows no empathy or kindness regardless of how upset I am. I feel worthless, fat and like I'm just a nuisance to him. I don't know what to do!

Him name calling is not ok.

But i wonder if he does genuinely feel you thrive on drama. You have 4 kids and got upset he didnt comment on your sexy pants, with the kids right outside. You did create tension right before going out.

It sounds from that post that the problem is that you dont really know eachother.

In 4 years you have got married, blended families and thrown 2 more kids into the mix. 4 kids is alot and relationships do strain with kids added in.

But you 2 havent really got know eachother without something huge going on. There has always been some drama (or something huge) going on.

I would suggest some counselling together. You both need to discuss your concerns about eachother.

If he genuinely feels you pick arguments and thrive on drama it need speaking about in a calm environment. If you feel ignored and not desired, its needs talking about in a calm environment.

He sounds unkind to you and not supportive

His way of dealing with issues- no matter what they are - is just wrong. Name calling, shouting and threatening is awful, and from what you've said it doesn't sound like a one off. Counselling sounds like a good idea, but maybe on your own first to try to sort out how you deal with stuff in your relationship iyswim.

it is a weird thing to complain about to start with, but his response is not nice, and I wouldn't want to live with someone who behaves like that.

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you not heard that people attack when they know they are in the wrong. They attack to get out of a situation they don't want to be in.
Maybe he was tired, or stressed with work or so on.... who cares? We are all tired and you tried to make an effort and he made you feel bad for it. He is your husband, he should make you feel like a million $$$
When he saw how upset you were he should instantly soften, but instead he went on the attack. Why? The fact that you say 'usual barrage' upsets me .... why should you or anyone put up with being spoken too like that?
In any part of your life? School - Work - day to day living - no one would speak to another human being like that, so why would the one who is supposed to love and care for you the most think it's ok to speak to you like that? And why would you accept it? Like "it's normal"
He didn't do it in public whilst you were out - because he knows it's wrong... so therefore he is a bully.
Personally the next day I would ask him to leave - to take some time to work out what "his" issues are (because they are his issues - not yours) - and tell him to come back ONLY when he is willing to treat you with the respect you deserve.
You need to be willing to do this and stand strong, as backing down will only allow him to disrespect you more.
Only you can demand respect for yourself. Most people don't as they are scared of the alternative.... but surely the alternative is better than feeling like crap everyday because of how he treats you. ???
I wish you all the best, please keep telling yourself it's not you... because it's not you are beautiful - and if he can't see and treat you like that then sod him xx

I think it was a daft thing to trigger an argument (him not commenting on your underwear?) but I suppose that is not the point. The years with young children are so stressful that I can see how it gets to this stage sometimes but no excuse for the horrible name calling.

I think you created an unnecessary flashpoint but, his reaction was to it was also unnecessary

Thanks so much for your replies. I obviously did over react, what he doesn't understand is that I wasn't upset with him about that, just a bit gutted because I feel fat and gross anyway at the moment and him not saying anything reinforced this. I was upset at his reaction to me saying that though. It's always the same, he is just vile when we argue. I might create drama because I am so bored of being at home, it just feels relentless, I get no affirmation. I think I need to go back to work/get a life so I have more to think about! I went to counselling last year, thought it was great but he refused to come, he's since said he'd go but the counsellor wants him to go by himself to start with like I did which he's refusing to do. He's VERY stubborn. At the moment we're just not speaking, I've brought one of the kids out for the morning. I don't feel like I should say sorry but I hate the atmosphere and he's going away on Monday for a week and don't really want to leave it like this.

I think Gorgo is spot on.

And reading your latest post OP, its not his fault you feel fat and gross. It feels like you took your insecurities out on him. It would have annoyed me too as your DP

If you feel you might be creating drama at home then it's probably fairly certain you are. You did in this instance. His way of handling it is awful though, but he may have reached the end of his tether. Both of you may just be sleep deprived.

I also agree with gorgo, doesn't seem like you spent much time being a couple, going from in love to love, and you've very young kids which can cause stress, and sleep deprivation is a bastard.

You are where you are, both of you chose these circumstances, so you need to try to be kind to each other, and either change the circumstances or come up with a plan to manage them.

So you do create drama.

You both need to sort your issues. Him going off on one is not ok. But i can imagine he is on edge alot waiting for you to create drama.

Your boredom at being a sahp isnt an excuse for that. As his frustration isnt an excuse for flipping his lid. Even though i can understand, in part, how you both feel and end up doing what you do.

This is what i mean about not knowing eachother. You didnt know how he dealt with anger and frustration. He didnt know you create drama when bored.

You havent really had chabce to be bored i the last 4 years. Throw in sleepless nights and its a recipr for disaster.

One of the problems in relationships can be not really seeing things from the otgers point of view. Especially when one is a sahp.

The sahp thinks the working one is lucky because they get to go out and interact with other adults, drink a coffee in peace etc

The wohp thinks the sahp is the lucky one because they dont have to have the pressure of being financially responsible for a whole family, they dont have to worry about putting together a report by 2pm, worry they arent achieving targets, etc..

The sahp often looks forward to the wohp to come home for some adult company and someone to talk to. The wohp often has had to talk to people all day (even when they dont want to) and doesnt want to come home to full on chatting etc. Maybe wants some head space.

The truth is that life with kids is hard. For both parents.

Especially when they are young. Sometimes we dont comment on how our partner looks, because we are thinking of the other 101 things that need doing or whats happened that day. Or just zoning out for a few minutes while they go get ready. That goes for both people.

If he refuses counselling, not really sure what else you can do. If you stop creating drama, its doesnt meant that he will deal with anger any better.

Unless you can sort this about between you and both come up with a way to change this. Maybe when you feel shit and want to blame him, you agree that you dont say it and give yourself sometime to think about it. When he starts getting frustrated he removes himself from the room and calms down. Then both discuss it when emotions are not as high.

Might not work, but not sure what else you can both do. It could be that you are not compatible in the long run.

Gorgosparta you're so wise!

Gorgo, thank you, I think I just need to stay out of his way today until things have calmed down and then try and calmly discuss how we deal with one another. I'll suggest counselling again. I really hope, for everyone's sake that we are compatible!

Lol wise is not usually word people use to describe me. must have been the full english breakfast i ate this morning.

But thank you.

Op good luck i do hope it works out for you.