In laws talk down to me

[Albinohedgehogs]

There's a large cultural class difference between me and my in laws, or maybe they're just snobs.

(boring background)
Both my parents were privately educated but left education in their teens, my DM because of life long mental health issues and my DF because he just hated boarding school and wanted to rebel/ work/ get a trade and get as far away from the world of education as he could.

My dad was a single parent and brought my sister and I up. We are both now (and have been since our late teens) self supporting adults with good lives. We have definitely been poor over the years and grew up on council estates etc but had good values instilled and we are both happy.

MY ILs are nice but quite emotionally blocked, they sent both their children to very good boarding schools and have spent most of their lives going on nice holidays and socialising with friends. They just have this very off putting and infuriating way of talking down to others me which is starting to really piss me off but for the sake of my DD I will never say anything.

I would love a close family but it just doesn't look like that is ever going to happen because I feel so patronised by them and not loved.

MIL is always saying condesendingly "well done" and scoffing at the things I say.

I worked very hard get my degree despite adversity and now work in a very satisfying professional job, they didn't appreciate what an achievement this was for me, MIL just said 'it took you long enough."

My DM died of cancer last year and they didn't send a card or anything to acknowledge my pain, they don't even refer to her, it's like they've got no language for emotions, it has been a massive deal for me, having a new baby without a mother present.

I just feel like I'm a bit over trying to make an effort as I have been doing for years for people who seem to just look down their noses at me.

I can create my own close family out of just me, my DH, his DD and our DD can't I?

Or maybe close families are over-rated?

Yes, you can create your own lovely little family unit without your PILs, although it requires DH to be on board with you and have your back.

They sound infuriating. I have shit PILs, too, it's difficult

They are sadly lacking so please, never, feel inferior to them. You sound streets ahead of them .Yes you can have your own close family. What about your dsis? Can ye bring your two families together and build a strong bond there. Try to ignore them as much as possible, accepting they are the way they are.
Some counselling after your dm might be good as losing a dm and becoming one all at the same time can be difficult. Look after yourself.

"I would never say anything?"

Well, why not say something. "Do you realise how patronising that comment sounded?" would be a start.

Hi

Your DH is key here as well. What is his opinion of his parents behaviours?

Re your comment:-
"They just have this very off putting and infuriating way of talking down to others me which is starting to really piss me off but for the sake of my DD I will never say anything".

Please do not continue to make that mistake; your DD is learning about relationships from you as well and she will learn here that her mother is being patronised and says nothing in response to being so. They could well go onto treat your DD not too dissimilarly either. Raise your boundaries with these people a lot higher now than they have been to date.

There is no law to state that you have to spend any amount of time with people who make you feel this uncomfortable. If they were friends rather than family you would have dropped them a long time ago. Family are actually no different. Spend time and effort instead around radiators of people and not drains.

Emotionally blocked inlaws are NOT nice people to be around.

I think you need to work on finding coping strategies here and accept that while you can't change other people, you can change the way you react to them.
I've found taking a breezy approach to snobby sorts works well. I faked it at first but now its second nature to meet snide comments with a dismissive 'I can't be bothered to engage', or a 'I take it you didn't mean to be so rude?', or even 'If you can't treat me with respect then lets just call it a day'. If you knew it, you'd realise that you have all the power here as a mother. His family will have to toe the line if they want a relationship...not the other way round!
And yes, you can make a lovely life for yourself with your little family but I would be wary of your child being exposed to negative comments about you. If that happens, you need to be very assertive and challenge anyone casting aspersions on who you are and where you come from.

It sounds like your DH has a DD from a previous relationship, do you think that may throw some light on the situation between you and your PIL?

It is exactly for the sake of your DD you should respond honestly, and not supress the fact you feel insulted. That's a terrible example.
Looking at the opening paragraphs of your post I am concerned that you allow them to get away with this because you suffer from a low self esteem? You don't need need to say why they judge you at all, they just do, and clearly openly too. They feel they have the right, and you are allowing it, even looking for reasons? The question is wrong here, it should be..
What is wrong with my in laws that they feel they they have the right to openly judge me against some random standards they have made up for that purpose?
Have you tried asking them that? ( They should be embarrassed!! After all what they are doing is embarrassing themselves, not you) If the relationship is already at the nuclear option point, you have nothing to loose.
And yes, you can make do with less people like this, it doesn't mean you will have less "family", people define family different ways, most don't see "One way social obligation originated in some shared genetic similarity with you or your spouse" as the definition.

You can't (and shouldn't) expect emotionally illiterate people to suddenly become empathetic and appropriately emotionally expressive.

You can however insist they become less rude, and less tactless. Speak up!

Limit your time with her and avoid being alone with her.

Thank you so much for your comment. I hadn't thought about it that way round ie. I have the power to decide whether they have a rl with DD.

I'm not asking for much, just superficial politeness.

Last year my dad left a woman he'd been with for 18 years because he was not happy/ there was alcohol involved and he broke away in his own, probably imperfect way but I personally think he is a good example to my sister and I about not staying in a situation because society dictates that you must regardless of how nourishing the relationship is or is not.

MIL was very disparaging about this under her breath but her and FIL have this ridiculous dynamic where she does everything and is putting up with all kinds of inconvenience and he does nothing and just pleases himself.

They live a very long way away which means that their visits are whole chunks of time rather than quick ones so each time I see them I think to myself that this time spent together has the potential to be healing or an improvement on the last.

I do think her intentions are good which is why I try to bridge the gap but these little moments where I feel loomed down upon are very wearing.

"They live a very long way away which means that their visits are whole chunks of time rather than quick ones so each time I see them I think to myself that this time spent together has the potential to be healing or an improvement on the last".

Hope is a powerful force here but you're not seeing any real change from them. People on the whole do not change, this is who they are and they still talk down to you and otherwise patronise you. Its no lesson to be showing your child.

Again what does your DH make of his parents behaviours?. Or is he the sort who says things like, "well you know what they're like?" so brushes off your real concerns.

"I do think her intentions are good which is why I try to bridge the gap"

Now why do you think that?. No, her intentions are not good and you are really under no obligation here to bridge any chasm. They have to want to do so as well and they show no sign of doing so. You wanting even superficial politeness from them is too low a boundary and one that they won't reach either.