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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Old "FWB" wants to meet up 20 years later, not sure what to do?

23 replies

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 09/09/2017 00:16

20 odd years ago my best friend was a guy I met at college. We did everything together, had loads of fun but for me he was just a friend. One boozy night out we ended up kissing. At the time I was young and inexperienced and didn't want to ruin our friendship (friendships were more important to me than relationships) and so we continued as friends who would sometimes kiss, sometimes not. We didn't sleep together.

Then I met my first boyfriend, who was EA and eroded my self-esteem. I stayed friends with my "FWB" and we used to double date with his new gf, who was also EA and grilled me for hours about our friendship and used to hit and scratch him. It was like we were each other's safe place in our shitty relationships.
Eventually I moved 200 miles away, he split up with his gf, I split up with my bf and met someone new. I still visited my old town and we would always meet up. Last time I saw him he told me how wrong my bf was for me and told me he loved me. He was right about my bf, and I knew it but I got in a cab and went home - I can still picture him standing on the pavement as it drove away, I felt terrible and knew our friendship was over.
Fast forward a few years and I got my first home PC. I looked him up regularly, no sign for ages until one day I found him on Friends Reunited. I just wanted to know he was doing ok in life, by now I was married. We messaged for a bit, I was honest about being happily married and didn't hear back from him. A few years later - I got an email from him asking how I was, sent him a link to my FB profile, I was still happily married.
A few years later again, I got a friend request from him on FB. He has no other friends on it, it's clear he doesn't really use it. He'd occasionally log in and send a friendly message. Last year my marriage broke down and I posted a status on FB so I didn't have to tell lots of people over and over again. He sent a lovely message saying I'm strong and will be fine. Then nothing again until this week. It was his birthday and I sent him a message. He replied saying how happy he was to hear from me and suggesting that we might meet up. It was late and he was probably drunk and I sent him my email address. I've not heard anything from him yet, but I know he hasn't logged on since.
The thing is - for 20 years he's been in the back of my mind, I've not forgotten him and have actively seeked him out, even when in other relationships. But, when he could actually have been my boyfriend I didn't let it happen. Am I just romanticising the past? Should I meet up with him? Am I just on the rebound from my failed marriage?

OP posts:

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 09/09/2017 00:18

Sorry that was longer than I thought! Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

ThunderInMyHeart · 09/09/2017 00:20

MEET UP WITH HIM

A) what's the worst that could happen? You have nothing to lose
B) finish your unfinished business

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/09/2017 00:24

So you and he are currently both single? I'd go for a meet up at least, with the usual "in a public place/having ready excuse to leave" provisos. What's the worst that could happen?

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/09/2017 00:25

Haha, X post with Thunder, Dr Pepper rides again!

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 09/09/2017 00:33

Hahaha, thanks for the cross posts! Yes, for the first time in years we are both single. But also still live 200 miles apart!

OP posts:

Windytwigs · 09/09/2017 01:11

I'm obviously suspicious due to too much time spent reading the relationship threads, but was he in a relationship while using that FB account? Reads to me like a secret second account, with no other friends on it!

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 09/09/2017 01:20

Nope, no second FB account!

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 09/09/2017 01:22

You're having (or thinking of having) a meet up, which will presumably be in a place, time etc which is mutually agreeable.

You're not about to jack in your job, home etc and flee 200 miles overnight!

Maybe it'll all be brilliant, and a relationship will develop - and that's when both of you start thinking about what a 200 mile distance means, and how you deal with it. And you'd do that together. But atm you're meeting (maybe) for a natter, a coffee, whatever.

certificateofauthenticity · 10/09/2017 14:20

Are you now single? Or are you just going through a bad patch in your marriage. You say your marriage has broken down, but are you now actually divorced? If you are single, then meet up. If you are not single, then don't. If you are going through a bad patch and have children to think about, then be careful. Also, make sure he is actually single and not having a mid life crisis. Also only 5% of first loves her back together successfully. Is it just a fantasy? He will not be the same person, neither are you. Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

Crumbelina · 10/09/2017 14:27

Thunder I loved reading through the thread to then see your reply (which is exactly what I was thinking!).

OP, I'd definitely meet up with him and see what happens. If it isn't right or it comes to nothing then fine. At least you won't always be wondering.

Crumbelina · 10/09/2017 14:33

... but echoing the wise words of Certificate above.

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 10/09/2017 19:39

Thank you
I'm divorced and he's single.
I haven't heard from him anyway.

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 11/09/2017 09:40

I would be VERY surprised if the Facebook profile you have seen, is his main account. The only people I know on FB with only a few friends, tend to be much older people, who don't have many friends who are tech savvy.

It is very likely that he has another, main account, that isn't under his real name. I know loads of people who don't use their real name on FB, because they don't want work to see what they post.

In this case, he could be using a second account, because he isn't single. So, I would say yes to meet him, but be very wary and keep your eyes peeled for any shady behaviour, which may indicate he isn't as free as he says. For eg. "my phone was off" / "my phone was on charge", for reasons as to why he doesn't ever pick up when you call. Not sharing his home address with you, or his workplace. That kind of thing.

Windytwigs · 11/09/2017 10:30

husky that's what I was thinking. I mean, who has a legitimate FB account with no friends on it? Is there any activity on it OP?

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 12/09/2017 00:39

This thread has been a reality check. I don't actually know for sure he is single, had presumed from previous emails when he was but don't know if he still is. And he hasn't contacted me since. Maybe I've let my imagination run away with me.

OP posts:

2furbabies · 12/09/2017 01:12

Sorry I had to laugh a bit 😂 just because he doesn't use Facebook doesn't mean h es cheating and lying god sake! My boyfriend hates Facebook and has a profile with literally 3 people on it as he never uses it! He's only 24! Don't listen to that stuff! Ask him outright.... yeah he could lie but after all you've both been through I bet he would be honest! We need to stop being so suspicious of everyone it's really not healthy! People will cheat regardless of what you do etc so just go with it. Hopefully he's not a wanker! And you can finally sort your unfinished business out xx

Windytwigs · 12/09/2017 21:56

My boyfriend hates Facebook and has a profile with literally 3 people on it as he never uses it!
Yeah, but he has ppl on it. Unlike OP's friend. Correct me if I'm wrong, but with no friends and no activity, it looks as if the account was specifically set up to contact OP, and nothing else.

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 13/09/2017 00:21

Thanks 2fur - I do think he is an honest person actually, I knew him well enough to know that he used to be at least.
Windy - he did set up the FB account to contact me, last time I messaged him I said the best way to contact me was through FB and sent him a link to mine. He said he wasn't on it and then set up an account realised FB is rubbish and only goes on every few months when he messages me.

Anyway, if I'm honest this has made me think about who I was when we were friends and wanting to be that person again. If I do meet up with him then it will be as a slightly jaded middle aged woman and not the innocent carefree person I was then. I think I just want to turn back time.

OP posts:

Windytwigs · 13/09/2017 02:54

notjust that would explain then.
Also identify with your observation about meeting up again as a jaded middle aged woman - might not be as you remembered with two sets of baggage and a different mindset to before. Would it disappoint you if you didn't get on as well as before?

m4rdybum · 13/09/2017 10:46

It would be easy enough to do a search for another Facebook profile of his, if you thought that was the case.

I would meet up with him, OP. Even if it is just to reminisce about the past and have a catch up - remember, he'll be middle aged man as well.

I would honestly just relax and go with it for a little bit.

Windytwigs · 13/09/2017 22:58

It would be easy enough to do a search for another Facebook profile of his, if you thought that was the case.
There will be lots of acct with ppl having the same name, doesn't mean you'll be able to verify one is his, unless his pic is on it.

Shadow666 · 13/09/2017 23:11

I don't know. My old neighbour was in an abusive marriage. Her old flame from university contacted her after he went through a divorce and she ended up leaving her husband and they are both very happy now.

I've had a few exes contact me on Facebook after they have become single and honestly I'm not interested in them at all so have defriended or blocked.

It just depends on the guy, I suppose. I remember the love of my life and how I often used to think about him but one day it just hit me that he had been emotionally abusive. I couldn't see it at the time but subconsciously I think that's why I walked away from him. Like, deep down I knew he wasn't right.

Original poster

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 13/09/2017 23:52

I'd tried to find him on FB before and unless he was using a different name couldn't find him. He's on no social media at all - as I found out by looking for him (once in a while, I wasn't SM stalking him!) and he told me that he's not interested in SM, he spends his work infront of a PC and needs a break when he's at home.
Anyway. What will be will be. I was overthinking things when I posted this thread and am more settled now. He'll contact me or he won't, we'll meet up or we won't. I'm not going to force the issue.
Thanks for keeping me grounded

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