Does anyone have a mother who gaslights?

[WeLikeLucy]

I think my mother gas-lights. The trouble is - I am wise to it now and I do not react to it, which makes her angrier.

Basically there are things she is not happy about in her life and past, and she is resentful that my life seems to be going well. So at any opportunity she will drop little insults (obvious or implicit) into our conversations, to suggest that I shouldn't be doing certain positive things to improve my life, or to suggest that others are laughing at me, I'm selfish or inadequate in some way.

She wants to wind me up and get me angry so she can let rip and show all the anger she has inside. If I ever call her out on it, she will claim there must be something mentally wrong with me to imagine that she would be trying to upset me and I'm imagining it. She would also get very nasty - use direct insults and then play the victim and cry, to make me feel sorry for her.

So now I play thick, and pretend I haven't noticed or understood that she's insulting me. Or I stay calm and just state the truth, or say that she has got me all wrong. This is winding her up inside even more. She is probably pretending that she hasn't noticed that I'm pretending.

Any advice? This stresses me out and I don't have inner peace.

I'm really really sympathetic! I can especially relate to your 3rd paragraph 'She wants to wind me up...' Insult, get nasty then play the victim - you could be describing my mother!

I think it's ongoing, they're unlikely to change are they? It's hard as people I know with straight-forward relationships can't really relate and I sound paranoid so I don't tend to discuss it, which is then isolating in itself.

I think you seem to be figuring it out. My advice would be to maintain as much distance as possible - I do this. As it always may be a 'game' when you're with her. And just really stay connected to yourself to take care of yourself in the face of this behavour, to get back your inner peace.

Sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing. It must infuriate her.

Yes, my mother does, both my parents do in fact. People like this suck the life blood out of you. It is beyond exhausting. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone like this. It sounds like you have a very good awareness of what is going on and her motivations for doing it.

I rarely see my parents now and never share anything with them that is important to me. Distance, both physical and emotional, has been the way forward for me. I also spent years in therapy, which I recommend very highly. Being parented by someone like this can seriously mess with your head. So whatever level of contact you have with her right now, I would think seriously about reducing it. And carry on with calmly stating the truth and refusing to get drawn into any of her toxic behaviour.

don't offer up information about anything that's important to you then she can't piss all over it.

Keep it to general topics when you're forced to interact with her otherwise just avoid her as much as you can.

My mum was like this. I couldn't take it and went NC with her. She consequently died - v unexpectedly.

I feel and felt no guilt about going NC with her as at the time it was all about self-preservation. She was in short a nasty piece of work with a vicious streak but it'd manifest in the same was as your DM does to you.

In short, you are managing the situation excellently. But don't be afraid to go NC if you have to. I didn't have half the stresses that I do now 10 years ago but I just could not cope with my DM taking all of her resentment at the world out on me.

Stupid and cheerful! Give it a google.

Thanks for sharing :-)

brassbrass - It's now got to the point where the list of things I can talk to her about is shrinking rapidly. I feel she analyses everything I say to find a way to view it negatively. Any weakness I show gets used against me. So I can't talk about being unhappy about things - she will use it in a future argument to try and take me down.

Every argument is twisted so that it is 'my fault'. If I stayed calm and said nothing bad, but she flew off the handle and insulted me, then it's apparently my fault for starting a particular conversation. She'll say I should have known not to talk to her because of xyz.

Basically you realise you are on your own, emotionally anyway. You don't have 'a mother' as such.

exxrecluse - honestly, try the not reacting thing if you can. I just decided she was a bastard and cut off all feeling towards this kind of behaviour. The first time I did not react (and I coupled it with a hug and said 'but I love you' in the middle of her rant; which she would never do to me), it totally knocked her off her feet. Then, they have nothing to blame you for after the argument, but they look like a complete tit for their over-the-top nasty behaviour. What they want to do is rile you to justify their own words and actions.

Tell her to do one. That's me being polite.

Sorry you've got a mum like this. She doesn't deserve the title of mum.

Don't visit by yourself and only use the phone for texts is my best advice!

Low contact and tell them nowt as far as I've learned.

it's a shame we're hard wired to keep in touch with these people. We wouldn't put up with it from anyone else.

It is not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her.

Such disordered of thinking people like your mother do not change.

I would either use the "grey rock" technique (i.e. tell her nothing whatsoever of any interest so talk to her instead about the laundry) on her or actually continue to lower all forms of contact to a level where you no longer see her. Put physical as well as mental distance between you and she now.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, your mother is no different.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Gaslighting is really another form of emotional abuse.

You may find this article on gaslighting helpful as well.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/gaslighting/

My mother is like this, and after trying lots of different methods to deal with it, the one I've been using for the last decade is to just acknowledge she's crazy, she has no impact on my life, laugh internally at the manipulative and devious things she does, and congratulate myself that the buck stops here - her issues are not my issues. Then I actually quite enjoy her company!

Me too. But now I never spend time alone with her.

She has now noticed and has complained. Today I thought she is complaining because it robs her of the chance to.

But whatever. I am not here to be her supply.

I went NC and the relief... oh my god the relief of just not having to deal with that was incredible. I felt sad for a while but one day woke up wondering where that giant knot of anxiety in my stomach had gone. The one that had been there my whole life. It took me a couple of days to figure it out :)

I have also thought about the 'not spending time alone' option too. She does to seem to care if my kids are in the room though, and unfortunately my sister just goes into another room and keeps quiet if dm's on one.

That means I have to keep my DH around, which is more difficult.

Attlia - The website looks really good - thank you.