Feel so drained about my mum.
My dad abused me as a child (sexually) and my sister (physically), this all only came out when I was 18 and my step sister told her mum he had been abusing her. I had blocked it out I guess. My dad sent me a letter admitting what he had done to us and our whole family fell apart.
We all testified against him and he only plead guilty at the last minute so we all thought we wouldhave to stand up in court (don't think he thought we would go through with it). At the time my mum fell apart - not the strongest person anyway, and became a huge drainon us, when I feel she should have maybe been at least attempting to support us. He got off by pleading guilty and my step mum had my step sister (then 9) write a letter about how much she missed her 'daddy'.
My mum speaks to my sister about it all a lot even tho it makes my sister uncomfortable and depressed. She has told her that she always suspected this of him , that she knew he had got his 14 yr old cousin pregnant when he was 21, etc, etc.
I am now 24 and have my own ds who is 2 - I cannot fathom how she could suspect him of doing this and continue to live with him with her three little girls.
If I suspected someone of this I would want to tear them apart limb by limb.
I see her or speak to her on the phone maybe once a month and feel emotionally exhausted by it every time. She is dreary, mentions my dad at any vague opportunity or possible link into the conversation - when I have said I do not want to speak about him. She also goes on and on and on about her work x did this, y did that (she fancies her boss too) and how much she hates working there. She never asks how I am or my ds, I ask her to babysit maybe once every 3-6 months when me and dp are desperate for a night out - but I hate doing it as she does not listen to simple written instructions I give her.
I am just so sad about it all. I am sad I have no father in my life (I don't miss my father, miss actually having a decent father) and most of the time wish I could cut my mother out of my life too, but would then efffectively make myself an orphan.
Oh god this is really long and foolish and I am crying now just don't know what to do with it all.