Child after Separation

[OzzyOsbourne]

Hi there

Looking for some advice about my DS who's 9.

I separated from his dad in February and we've been sharing custody of DS since May. It's been reasonably amicable - there were no big fights or anything like that. The situation is that each of us spends time with DS in our family home while the other lives elsewhere. This will change in the next six months or so as we need to sell family home and then DS will spend time with each of us in our own homes.

Initially DS seemed ok about the separation. I know he's sad about moving out from family home but for most of the summer he seemed happy enough. Since he's gone back to school, however, he's been getting really upset over minor things and seems very sad in himself. He won't talk to me except to say that he's got a lot going on and is under pressure but won't elaborate.

For instance he was unhappy and anxious about going to afterschool. We got him a place in a different afterschool where his best friend goes and now he's upset about leaving his previous afterschool - saying that he'll miss the kids there - the same kids he was dreading seeing again.

We've tried to get him interested in activities to take his mind off things but he gets upset. All he wants to do is watch YouTube or play video games. But even his favourite video game is now upsetting him too. If anything goes slightly wrong, he freaks out.

He won't talk to us and I'm afraid he's getting more and more anxious and that it will be self-perpetuating. Does anyone have any advice on what to do or any experience of this? My instinct is just to make life as easy for him as possible but it seems he's losing enjoyment in everything. I'm not sure if he needs counselling at this point. He's so closed off and won't talk to me. I don't know how to get him to open up.

Could you offer to help him create a timetable /schedule for how things will pan out when he has 2 homes?
Seeing it in B&W may make it make sense to him. .
Offer to let him choose new bedroom decor etc for the new rooms. ..
Big step moving never mind a whole new life set up. .

We have a schedule printed out and put on the wall so he can see who'll be with him at any time. It's not regular though eg. four days with me, 2 with his dad, 3 with me, four with his dad. This was on the insistence of my ex as he wanted it to be strictly 50:50. I felt every other weekend and splitting the week up would be better and easier for DS to understand.

Yes, could probably talk to him about decorating his new rooms though...

It's hard isn't it. I split with my exh in February too and my ds was 10 at the time. We stayed in family home and ex moved out.
The first few months were really challenging and my ds found it very hard and he had a lot of anger/confusion/sadness etc that he had to work through. He spent nights crying, blaming me even though it wasn't my fault. He was all over the place for a while - sometimes he'd be angry with me for staying with his dad for so long and he wanted to ask me questions a lot. He'd mostly be angry with his dad though but wouldn't tell him that because he is pretty scared of him. So I got the brunt of it all which I am absolutely not complaining about because I wanted to be there for him. He seems to have accepted it all now and rarely mentions it other than to say that he never wants his dad to come back. It is a very confusing time for them. When it was his bday we had a party and I picked his dad up on the way and we were chatting and being friendly to each other (tbh I was trying my best to be nice even though I'm pretty contemptuous of him) and ds was angry with me after that... said I was flirting with him and he didn't like it. I felt like I couldn't do anything right but totally took on board what he was saying and now I am polite and friendly as much as is necessary but I am not NICE as such.
Anyway my point is that they are all over the place at times. I found it helped to show him how I was feeling too (not too much) he saw me cry a few times, he knew it was hard for me too and that I wasn't just cold about it - that it was normal and fine to be sad.
Your point about making things easy for him - I disagree with that to an extent - you have to give him the same rules and structure as before, it will make him feel safe and show him you're still in control.
I reckon that your ds is suffering because of the impending move / not feeling like he has a stable base because you and your ex are alternating in your family home. I don't think personally that will be doing him any good (jmho) and I think once you both move and he has a proper base with you he'll start to feel more emotionally secure. I'm not having a go I just think that he's not been allowed to settle yet because of it. Limbo land.. iyswim. Can't he see your ex wherever he's living and you both stay in your home together? That's what I would suggest..
hope this helps a bit.

My ex and I separated when my son was 6 and we shared custody.
A timetable seemed to help him keep track and sticking to a schedule was useful (so that he knew that if he spent the weekend with me, he knew he'd be seeing his Dad on Monday)
There are books about divorce which are aimed at kids which might be useful, as often children think that somehow they caused it.
Also, my son thought he was the only child in his school where his mum and dad didn't live together any more, so if any of his friends are in a similar position, maybe you could talk to one of their parents and see if you can both encourage a conversation about the situation between the children?
Knowing that he's not alone and that other children get through this might help him.

It undoubtedly did impact on my son - he's 19 now and I think it has affected his confidence and general outlook

Good luck

Just read your 2nd post
We did a 2 week cycle:
Fri, Sat, Sun nights with me
Mon, Tues with dad
Weds, Thur with me
then
Fri, Sat, Sun nights with dad
Mon, Tues with me
Weds, Thur with dad

And yes, talk to him, be honest about what is happening and what is going to happen

I tried to get my ex to agree to house share but he wouldn't consider it, so my son ended up having to shift his stuff every few days

So I think what you're doing is better, your son staying in the same house. He will always have the right things on the right day, which was a source of confusion and annoyance for my son until we got more organised

Aperolspritzer123 - thanks. Luckily me and ex get on ok. When we do switchover we'll have a quick chat about what DS has been doing etc. I'm not sure DS picked up on the hostility that was around before the marriage ended and we are both quite happy now. Maybe I should open up to him more though and let him know it's ok to feel sad.

LizB62A - I heard yesterday that the parents of one of his schoolmates are also separating. However, I think in this case there's drinking involved and it sounds more complicated than our situation... Good idea though - I'll have a think on it. Our schedule is similar to yours.

Does he understand why you split up? I asked my ds if he would consider counselling but he flatly refused! Maybe he doesn't need it.. but it's not like you can force them is it. You must be really worried - but also it's easy to feel guilty every time they seem a bit down as you think it must always be about the split but could it just be him settling into a new school year? Just make sure he knows you're there for him anytime. My ds sometimes still comes and sleeps in my bed! They're still little really aren't they. On the other hand - I have also got a 4yo dd who hasn't been in the slightest bit affected (it seems) she talks about it openly to people 'my daddy doesn't live with us anymore he lives in a different house' very matter of fact - she never complains about going to his or anything. She kind of just got on with it! I actually thought she'd be really messed up and confused. She cried more when the cat went to the cattery. (!) you just have to do your best and hope that's enough! Good luck

Thanks Aperolspritzer123 - we just told him that we were still friends but didn't want to be married anymore.

It could be the new school year, yeah. He's been ok all summer. I'm going to talk to his teacher today anyway so she can keep an eye on him.