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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone had a trial separation that didn't end up being permanent?

2 replies

crumbsinthecutlerydrawer · 08/09/2017 10:27

Partner and I have been together for 11 years, we have two dcs. Things have not been good for a while. Not awful but we have definitely drifted away from being a couple to just cohabiting. We rarely do anything together, I can't remember the last time either one of us told the other that we loved them. I think we both know it's not working as it is but don't know how to fix it.

I've tried suggesting counselling in the past but he's not keen, he was brought up with a family that don't ever talk about anything and that is not helping.

I know I could cope on my own with the kids and I think they would eventually adapt to it, our eldest can be very emotional and anxious if he doesn't know exactly what is going on but he has, at times, quite a strained relationship with his dad as he feels he doesn't make enough time for him.

I think we're at the point where we need to be apart but I don't think I want it to be permanent. I know there is a risk that either one of us may well not want to come back together but things aren't working as they are.

I just feel so sad.

Has anyone any experience of separating on a trial basis with it actually improving things or am I just going to cause too much upset and confusion to our dcs to have their dad move out and not be able to give them a definite idea of what's going on?

Sorry this is a bit of a jumble, I'm struggling to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
qumquat · 09/09/2017 07:27

We're in a trial separation now and debating whether to get together or not. I wouldn't recommend it to be honest. Going back is hard and not the same as staying iyswim. I think though if a trial separation gives you clarity it could be really helpful, unfortunately it hasnt for us. There's a lot to be said for just ripping the plaster off, which I just can't bring myself to do so I'm stuck in limbo.

Frenchlady14 · 09/09/2017 15:37

I did it five years ago for six months and gave it another try. I'm leaving him for good now at the end of the month. We got back together after our separation and things improved for a while but then we just limped on badly until now. IME if it's got to the point where you're thinking of separating, it is probably over. It's comforting to think you can get back together after a break, but I don't think it really works. Good luck.

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