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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking up with someone lovely - hand hold please

29 replies

cakecakecheese · 08/09/2017 10:09

Argh so I've decided I need to end things with my bf. He's a great guy, we have a lot of fun together but it's been over a year and it's got no future and ultimately I think I love him in a friendship way not a romantic way.

So I've got to end it but I feel sick. I don't want to hurt him but I'm probably going to Sad It would be easier if he was a scumbag but he isn't and he hasn't done anything wrong but letting things go on longer when I'm not feeling it would be much worse wouldn't it?

OP posts:
Ozzde · 08/09/2017 10:19

I've just done the same thing a few days ago. After 18 months I felt more friendship than relationship. I cared very deeply about her as she is lovely, everything I could ever want in a partner but just not for me.

It's hurt a lot as I still love her in a way and hurt her massively too which made it awful. You are doing the right thing though. They deserve to find someone who feels the same way about them.

BillywigSting · 08/09/2017 10:31

I've to do this in the past and it's awful at the time. I felt so guilty and like a total bitch but the spark just wasn't there.

He's a lovely man, in fact we're still friends now, except we both have partners now who we love and who love us in return. So it really was the best decision for everyone in the long run, despite how horrible it was at the time.

something2say · 08/09/2017 11:48

Yes, there is such a thing as wasting time isn't there x good luck x

Original poster
cakecakecheese · 08/09/2017 11:51

Thanks everyone, need to focus on this being the right thing to do.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/09/2017 11:58

I've done this once too. He was a lovely guy, but timing was the issue. He wasn't quite at the same stage as me and I occasionally wonder.... what if.

Brahms3rdracket · 08/09/2017 12:04

Me too! My first ltr who I lived with. He was love!y too, but you know it needs to be done so it's time to rip off the plaster. Be kind, but clear, don't give false hope. I remained on friendly terms with him and he's now happily married with dcs.

TheNaze73 · 08/09/2017 16:45

End it. You're doing the right thing all round

wasbumpers · 08/09/2017 17:45

God. I'm in the same boat but i just can't face hurting him. I think about it all the time but can't seem to be able to go through with it. I will be watching this with interest...

mydogmymate · 08/09/2017 19:11

My adult son ( he's 32) has just been dumped by his girlfriend of 6 months who said all this to him : really nice bloke but no spark. I don't hate her, she's a nice woman, and my son respects her decision. It's killing me though to see him so upset.

AgainPlease · 08/09/2017 19:40

Oh these are the worst! I've done this twice, both guys were so kind and sweet and gentle and smart and handsome and in well paying jobs. They'd make great boyfriends or husbands for someone, just not me (actually one recently for married and I'm so happy for him!). It was awful breaking up with them and both times they said a similar thing: that all this had seemingly come from no where as there were no fights or no one cheated on anyone... it was awful and I hated seeing them so hurt.

But there's no point staying in a relationship if you're not in romantic love with them or don't see a future with them. Best of luck to you!

dangle90 · 08/09/2017 22:16

I've been in this position aswel, it is awful!! You feel so guilty but know it's right in the long run. I always used to think "am I imagining some fairy tale life I could have with someone" as there was just never that spark! I split up with then bf and about 6 months later met the love of my life, 2 and a half years in, the spark deffo exists. So just to say really it is awful at the time but so worth it when you meet the right person. Good luck

qumquat · 09/09/2017 07:16

I didn't do this. And now 14 years on with a baby and mortgage we're splitting and it's awful and I've ruined his life as well as mine. All because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.... Think of me if you wobble. I wish I could turn back the clock and do what you are doing.

dudsville · 09/09/2017 07:26

I didn't realise that the spark was either real and/or something I was capable of experiencing. So, I stayed in a sexless relationship with a lovely person. I don't know his reasons for staying. A decade on, I felt the spark for the first time in my life, at quite a mature age. I don't regret my decision to stay with my lovely friend. The person I felt the spark with wasn't available, and I think I must be hardwired awkwardly if I've only felt that spark once in all this time. I would have been lonely. I respect your decision though op, and your faith!

Applesandpears56 · 09/09/2017 07:35

How old are you?
Do you want kids?

You can think of qum but at least she has a child. Imagine being 45, single and childless - will you regret dumping him then? If the answer is still no then you are doing the right thing.

GlitterGlassEye · 09/09/2017 07:41

Apples- seriously? Just use another human being so heartlessly?

Applesandpears56 · 09/09/2017 07:45

It's not using - love comes in different forms. If you want a family then a friendship based love is good - how many parents care about the 'spark' as they battle exhaustion and baby sick!

Ozzde · 09/09/2017 07:59

That's okApples as long as they know where you stand and they are mutually agreeing to the situation. Otherwise I do think it is using someone as your need for a baby trumps letting them go to find someone who truly loves them.

Yes, I do think physical attraction and spark plays a part when you have babies and dc. How many threads have you seen here with people lamenting about their lack of sex life and intimacy after kids and a partner that doesn't want it? I cared and it damn hurt when my exh didn't want to sleep with me anymore.

Original poster
cakecakecheese · 11/09/2017 08:37

So I did it and he got angry and smashed my phone. So clearly he's not as lovely as I thought! I've definitely done the right thing!

OP posts:
Ozzde · 11/09/2017 10:28

Woah, lucky escape there cake. Hope you're ok Flowers

MyBrilliantDisguise · 11/09/2017 10:33

Blimey, I wasn't expecting that! Had he shown any signs of temper or anger before?

Original poster
cakecakecheese · 11/09/2017 12:03

I'm fine, thank you.

No I would never have said he was the type to do something like that, it is very out of character.

OP posts:
TimingIsEverything · 11/09/2017 12:10

Wow. You dodged a bullet there OP!

LadyInDread · 11/09/2017 12:10

Well there's any doubt you had down the toilet! Sorry about your phone.

DistantSun · 11/09/2017 13:11

That's hardly 'dodging a bullet'

You did the right thing but the poor guy was obviously upset. Use whatever excuse you need to justify it though

stevie69 · 11/09/2017 13:26

Imagine being 45, single and childless

Yes, just imagine ..... the SHAME.

Can't stop. Pretty guys (half my age) to chase and other age inappropriate behaviour to exhibit. Cos I have no children to suffer the fallout. So, I can Grin

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