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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

People Really Can Change

17 replies

tigercub50 · 07/09/2017 23:09

I have been realising more & more that DH is genuinely changing rather than talking about doing it & it feels good. I am also realising how low we got & that although it was sheer hell at times, I now appreciate things that perhaps others may take for granted. Back in the light I guess you could say.
The main thing is how much more empathetic he is. For many years he was at best very immature emotionally, at worst abusive. Now he can really put himself in other people's' shoes & he can understand a lot more how his behaviour impacts on others. Our marriage isn't perfect (whose is?) & he still frustrates the heck out of me at times but we are a team now. He seems to have lost that dreadful need to manipulate & control. Has anyone else experienced a change around in their relationship?

OP posts:

SoffyKittySillyKitty · 07/09/2017 23:14

Yes. My parents relationship. Early on, my DF was a twat. Controlling, possessive etc. But over 40 years of marriage (god bless DM) he has become a decent human being.

Audreyhelp · 07/09/2017 23:16

Yes my husband changed twenty years ago,he threw his dinner at me and had a temper. He can control his temper now.

loubee11 · 08/09/2017 04:31

From your description my H at the moment sounds very much like yours used to be. Can i please ask what, if anything, made him change?

Hidingtonothing · 08/09/2017 05:08

Yes, my DH has noticeably grown up and made lasting changes to his behaviour and attitudes over the course of our 16 year relationship. He was borderline abusive, never actually hit me but was threatening and aggressive when we argued, lots of sulking and PA/controlling behaviour, I wonder why I stayed looking back.

He's a different man now, has not only changed those behaviours but understands what caused them and the impact they had on me. He's become much more emotionally intelligent and self aware and we're closer now than we've ever been. Like yours OP our marriage isn't perfect but yes, I do feel like things have turned around and that we're a pretty good team now

Mustang27 · 08/09/2017 05:38

I'm so happy reading this but I don't always think people deserve the chance to change. I'm glad you persevered and it's worked out for you both.

Gooseberrytart4 · 08/09/2017 05:38

Some of these men may have been simply a self centred immature teen character when young. I was never abusive or nasty. However I am definitely a better person then I was as a self absorbed teen. A result of naturally being more mature, exercising to release stress/endorphins, having children and putting them first/wanting to role model, having shit happen to friends/family I love (cancer/divorce/job worries/bullying), becoming more accepting of differences and actively choosing to be kind. Also learning how to speak up in a calm, kind and considered way when I see injustices at work or around me.

Gooseberrytart4 · 08/09/2017 05:45

Also realising how fradgile people/life is and how lucky I am to have such great friends/family. I still get PMT and down days but I know to go for a walk and do extra self care.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/09/2017 08:12

Yes, people can change. But it's not common.

I think it comes in one of two ways; either a slow realisation and determination to change and improve, or something dramatic happens (a brush with mortality often does it) and they change over night.

I've seen it quite a few times, specially now I'm older and can simply observe people over the long term. But I also have to say that many people are unwilling to move out of their rut, even when their ways of doing things makes them and everyone else unhappy.

Some threads make you wonder though; the OP is unhappy but honestly, sometimes partners aren't perfect but might be willing to change, but the chorus of LTB is so quick to rise. Im not at all sure it's the right answer sometimes. Even abusive people can change if they don't realise they are being abusive and then wake up and decide they don't want to be.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 08/09/2017 08:41

It's nobody's job to fix another human being. Yes people can change, but that's a dangerous narrative to tell someone who is in an abusive relationship, or even just an unhappy one.

No LTB isn't always the best first response on threads here, but if a person is with someone who makes them unhappy, they have every right to leave. So you stayed and it worked out, but you get that it doesn't work like that for most people in abusive relationships right?

Anniegetyourgun · 08/09/2017 08:53

Sometimes it's their partner gearing up to leave that provides the impetus to change. Like with alcoholism, putting up with the behaviour enables it; each alcoholic, and abuser, needs to find their personal rock bottom. People can change, indeed I hope most of us do change for the better over the course of a lifetime as we learn and mature. But they have to want to. Abusers often don't because the rewards for carrying on with it are too great to give up, or because it's too deeply ingrained for them even to imagine being different. (Lundy Bancroft, as usual, is good on this.) It may not be their fault but it doesn't mean you have to live with it. You may choose to, but if there's no sign of them genuinely wanting and trying to change - get out of there, don't look back and don't feel guilty.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 08/09/2017 09:01

Absolutely Worzels. Every relationship is different. That's why it can be tricky on forums because you can only get a " snapshot" if you like of that person's life. I felt like leaving a few times & actually when we were starting to come out of the bad times, DH said perhaps I should have left to bring him to his senses.

OP posts:

Original poster

tigercub50 · 08/09/2017 09:03

Can someone tell me how to put a username in bold?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2017 09:15

Yeah it's good that it's working for you but I don't think everyone is capable of change and sometimes it can be dangerous to wait it out and see if it happens.

Bold is by using * either side of the word you type

SeaEagleFeather · 08/09/2017 09:27

tigercub you do an * before the name and after it, without spaces. Italics are the same only with a ^

I think three biggest parts of changing are

seeing the need to change and wanting to
taking responsibility for yourself
Knowing how to ... if you don't find pointers or good advice you can flail around simply not knowing how to do things better even though you want to. Emotional literacy isn't often inborn. At least there's a lot more good advice around now =)

Original poster

tigercub50 · 08/09/2017 09:27

loubee11 , it took things to reach crisis point (January this year). DH was going to leave but this time it wasn't just an empty threat to mess with my head, he was planning it because he admitted that all the problems in the family were down to him & DD & I would be better if he was elsewhere. He was going to go to a hotel temporarily but in the end he stayed & things started to improve from there. There had been arguments all the time & we couldn't have continued as we were. When I look back, I put up with way too much for years. I have low self esteem & am not naturally assertive, also I am very empathetic & I knew that I was trying to "fix" DH but that wasn't my responsibility. I have to be honest, it has been bloody hard & we have been to some very dark places, but the difference to this time last year is immense. DH has had counselling but his therapist went off on long term sick & he hasn't been allocated another yet. Again, I have to take a step back from this & leave it to him to sort. He has already said he feels under pressure, although that's the last thing I want to do. CBT would benefit him hugely but it has to be him doing it all, with me supporting.

OP posts:

steppemum · 08/09/2017 09:34

yes, I've changed.

a large part of that is simply growing up and growing older

If you are in any way emotionally intelligent, you learn. From your mistakes, from your successes, from life, from being a parent.

I am not the same person I was when we got married. I hope I am a better person, otherwise the last 18 years haven't taught me much!

But I think you can't usually apply that to a relationship, not unless both side have a rock bottom moment when they realise they have to change or lose the other.

loubee11 · 08/09/2017 10:26

Thank you for the reply tigercub50
There sounds a lot of similarities to what im going through, being at that crisis point now & its good to hear that it is possible to come out the other side & 'LTB' isnt neccessarily the only option. Ive spent longer than is healthy lurking on these boards i think! I hope things continue to improve for you

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