I don't know how much longer I can carry on.

[Livelaughlu]

I'm literally pulling my hair out! Sorry for long post.

2 and a half years a go I split with my ex, father to my two daughters 4 and soon to be 2. We had an ok relationship because I allowed him in my flat to see the children I let him stay over night and I would stay at my parents so he got time with them like he would if he had his own living arrangements. This was all until Jan this year when he had gone through my stuff and changed the settings on my devices to find out what I was up to and who I was seeing! Obviously I stopped him from coming up my flat completely.

I met someone last December I wanted to introduce my new partner to our children being respectful I spoke to ex about this and he wanted to met him first but on his terms and on a date that suited him, I didn't want to do it on this date as our eldest was starting school the following week and that's a big enough step as it is. That date passed... I give him a date at the end of the month that I was going to introduce new partner to girls but he now putting it off by saying he now needs to talk to me before any of this goes ahead. And if I don't sit down and talk to him then I will have to wait a year for new partner to meet the girls. Once again on his terms.

He sees the girls on a regular basis however he used to have them alternate weekends for two nights which he has now cut down to one reason behind it being that our eldest isn't herself but he wouldn't think twice about taking her abroad for 7 nights.

I don't ever ask for more money from him even though I know he should pay more then he does (he thinks he pays enough) this isn't the same for me though as when I am out with my partner when he has the girls I usually get messages telling me I can now pay for nappies and food because I shouldn't be out while he pays for those things. God help me for doing something in my spare time then sitting at home by the window till he brings them back.

I just don't know what to do anymore I have tried to be respectful towards him and be amicable but it gets thrown in my face time and time again I want to have a good relationship for our children's sake but I feel like I'm at a dead end with it all now.

Introduce your girls to your partner, you have been more than amicable about trying to meet what he wants, whats the worst he can do? Stop maintenance and then you go straight to the cms, it seems to me that the only one trying to show your dc that you have a good relationship with the ex is you, he is being rather controlling!

OP you might want to ask HQ to post this over in relationships there is more traffic there and loads of us who have been in controlling relationships.

You don't need to ask his permission for you to introduce your new partner. He is desperate to stay in control of you clearly. If he messes about on the money you absolutely do it through CMS as other poster said.

Your best communication strategy with him is to stop any and all discussion with him. You take all emotion and information out of every exchange and you stick to logistics about the kids only. Preferably by text only. When you have to meet face to face it should only be for drop off etc and don't engage in anything.

Good luck!

Thank you for your replies I'm very grateful.

Most of the communication is through text message, mainly because I like to have proof of what he is said. He is very good at playing victim.

He wouldn't stop money because he knows it's something that will go against him. He has people talking in his ear who have been or currently going down the court road so thinks he knows best. He talks about this "umbrella" that everything should come under it for example all food should be provided, nappies, wipes. I do provide him with nappies and wipes but food wise I used to until I said they should come back home for dinner then because I like them to have proper home made dinners.

His maintenance via CMS is reduced for the nights he has them because he has the responsibility of providing what they need when they are with him.

Google grey rock. Stop trying to bEnd over backwards. Get CMS involved. Get on with your life, he's your ex.

We will be moving this thread to Relationships soon.

What random says. He thinks the money he gives you is all that is needed for everything for the children
Sounds like he is trying to control you. He has no control over how you spend your time. Or what you spend your money on.

Grey rock is the way forward. Do not give him food for them or nappies or anything, it's his responsibility when they are with him

When he's with his children it's HIS responsibility

Grey rock, grey rock and some more grey rock on the side. Do not engage

Someone also advised on another thread that you set up a specific email address that's just for you and him to communicate around the dc needs. This is a very good idea. No more texting, especially if he's doing it when he knows your out with your current dp.

Sorry I don't understand why you've put up with this?

For the sake of your girls you need to sort it out

Start receiving money. Get a proper routine going.

He's to blame, but you've gotta accept some responsibility for being so soft on him! No wonder he's dictating - you're letting him!

You're bending over backwards to accommodate him and time and time again he has demonstrated he isn't worth it.

Introduce your children to your partner when you feel it is the right time, and ensure your ex is paying your girls everything they are entitled to.