It wouldn't have worked anyway, right?

[TimingIsEverything]

Met a guy 15 years ago. Got together briefly but I then had to move away for work and so we amicably called it a day.

Occasionally slept together over the 5 years I was abroad, sort of FWB when I was back in town.

Both in relationships for the next 5 years so only exchanged occasional emails for that period.

Then 5 years ago, we were both single at the same time. And he really pursued a relationship for a few months. Told me I was always the one for him, that we had something special. But I wasn't sure, and then I met someone else who I ended up in a LTR with for the next 4 years. He was very disappointed but accepted it.

Last year I realised I had made a mistake, ended my other relationship and told him I loved him back.

But he isn't in the same place anymore. Says he still cares for me but doesn't want to be in a relationship.

I was gutted but respect his decision.

But I'm feeling sad and regretful. Can't help feeling that if only I'd realised I loved him all along, we'd be together now.

Is timing everything, or did I fuck it up?

Can't help feeling that if only I'd realised I loved him all along, we'd be together now.

Probably not, though.

Hi Trills, thanks for posting. I've seen you about and like your way of thinking so I'm interesting to know why you think so.

*not, not so.

It was bad timing. Yes you messed up but, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It's very easy to build things up in our minds when they don't happen. Easy to idealise the one who got away.

But most people who we fancy, they don't turn into long-term relationships. And even many relationships that are "long term" don't last 15 years.

In reality, is it more likely that you would have tried it but not been compatible? Or grown apart? Or matured differently? Or just wanted different things out of life?

And in order to have tried to make this be a long-term relationship from the very beginning, you'd have had to have given up on moving for your career. So the feeling of "I gave up that job for you" would always have been hanging over the relationship.

Chances are, you were right to move for that job, and right to not be sure 5 years ago.

That makes sense, and actually I think maybe I'm just feeling disappointed that he isn't the person I thought he was. We were regularly sleeping with each other until very recently and I think I grew more attached than was good for me.

I think "he isn't who I thought he was" is a much more likely scenario than "he should have been the love of my life and I messed it up".

All really good food for thought. I've also had some sort of inkling (that I pushed to the back of my mind at first) that he's punishing me for rejecting him in the first place. But I could be being over sensitive...

Well if he's doing that then he's not very nice, and would not be a good person to be in a relationship with. What else might you do that he would feel justified in punishing you for?

True. But I don't know that for sure although I am quite direct and did ask him if rejecting him back then was affecting our relationship now. He replied that the reason he couldn't commit to a relationship with me was because it was inevitable that I was going to ditch him a soon as I met someone better.

P.S. please forgive my bad English, it isn't my first language!

Your writing all makes perfect sense, no need to apologise at all.

Thanks Trills.

I've been reading other threads here and have decided to end the friendship, at least for as long as I am still feeling hurt. Maybe one day when the dust has settled we can be friends again but until then, I need to block him out of my life for my own sanity I think.

If the right feelings had been there you would have gotten together a long time ago. You had plenty of opportunities.

He has told you the reason. From reading your story, it seems completely understandable and therefore Im inclined to think the reason he gave is true.

You have left him for a job, you didn't come back to him but made a life with someone else. You then rejected him again when he made his intentions to you clear.

Of course he fears making himself vulnerable to you. He doesn't trust you. But it does seem he probably loves you.

Would you dump him and run again? How can you be sure you won't?

If and only if you know with all certainty that you won't let him down, then rather than run away you need to put in the hard work of making him trust you. Because I'm guessing if you walk away again there won't be any going back.

Think it is a case of that ship has sailed op, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

There's two ways you accept it/let go and move on or you and him could give it a go.
Holding onto the past in any form isn't great imo on both sides, it's better to start from scratch if restarting an old relationship.

That's my thoughts as have an exdp who moved away even though we feel for each other and neither has moved on yet, If he came back this how I would approach it.

No, I definitely wouldn't dump and run again. I love him. I just realised too late that it was him all along. I have communicated all of this to him.

But I also am sure that it wouldn't work if either of us holds on to past hurts etc. Like Pine says, we would have to start from scratch in order to build a healthy relationship. And I don't think he is up for that.

I know love doesn't necessarily conquer all, but I can't help but feel that if you didn't take the opportunities when you had them, it perhaps is not the relationship that you think it is....and it's just seeming so in the wake of your breakup. Which presumably followed difficult times in your relationship and thoughts about paths not taken.

Very human and understandable, and of course we will never know. But I just feel that if two people have such an incredible connection, and both of thrm truly felt it, they'd have got it together when they were both free.

I really hope you're right PoorYorick. That's what is haunting me most I think. We do/did have a very special connection. Always will I think. But maybe it's just not the kind of connection that leads to being life partners. It makes me too sad to think of the alternative which is that I had my chance and I blew it.